Copywriting the United States of America

In an effort to both protect and augment the economy, the Department of Commerciality, backed by the Clinton administration, proposed yesterday that the symbol of the trademark symbol immediately follow the name of our country.Reporters gathered in the West Wing of the White House yesterday morning to attend a press conference headed by Commerciality Secretary Wilma Zinsser. Zinsser unveiled the proposed plan which she says would "nourish two birds with one, simple worm." According to federal officials, the need for some kind of action has long been required. The astonishing number of international business mergers have troubled economists and Administration officials for some time. The present merger frenzy rivals the 19th century boom that first gave birth to what we now consider corporate giants."The problem is," pointed out Zinsser, "that these mergers know no national boundaries -- it's a mass globalization of capital. Consequently, the profit associated with these huge buy-outs and amalgamations move and disseminate all over the planet."Her approach, which entails the trademark incorporation of our country's title, would "create a bulwark of sorts, a strong message that the U.S. is unified in its economic strategies and goals." The proposed alteration, she stressed, would be "simple and elegant," appearing as such: the United States of America (copyright symbol) or the acronyms U.S (copyright symbol) or USA(copyright symbol) .The trademark wouldn't suppress international transactions and mergers, said Zinsser, but "it would make other nations sit up and take notice."It's a way of incorporating ourselves -- for security and, eventually, for profit," said Zinsser. The profit she's referring to would come from a "small royalty for uttering or writing the name of our country."She stressed that this particular aspect of her proposal is only in the theoretical stages, and that "even if it does come to fruition, the charge would be minimal." When asked who this royalty could be charged to, she replied that, once again, "theoretically, both individuals and organizations could be assessed a minuscule stipend.""This doesn't mean," elaborated President Clinton as he stepped to the lectern following Zinsser's presentation, "that our country is for sale. It merely makes official what we already know: that our country is indispensable and therefore the number one choice of the world."Without this trade mark symbol, warned Zinsser, "we are just a Brand X kind of nation, without any economic identity." She predicted that this process of trade-marking will "sweep the globe once we make the leap. So if we can patent the nation-trade-mark process even more royalties could be forthcoming."In response to a reporter's question, Zinsser insisted there "was absolutely no plans in the works" to place the bars and code symbol beside the country's name. "We're simply attempting to keep ahead of the prevailing economic trends," she reiterated.President Clinton cautioned the reporters that the Commerciality proposal was in the formation stages and that "of course there will be multiple entities that have a hand or two in approving and revising the plan."One reporter asked the President if the proposed addition of the trade mark would "transform our country into a commodity."Clinton thought for a moment before carefully replying that "indeed, the United States is a kind of commodity. It would be folly to ignore such an integral aspect to our nation. Zinsser's plan is just a way of honoring how deeply economic we are by nature. Essentially, how I look at it, economics is the very heartbeat of our country."At the end of the press conference, a reporter hastily scribbled a message on a legal pad and held it up for the President. The sign read: Clinton(copyright symbol) . Clinton paused for a moment, then smiled, shaking his head. A moment later he disappeared, the din of last-minute questions rising behind him.