Computer Geeks, Labrador Retrievers and other Horny Beasts

Horny beasts have been with us throughout history. Not the just the rulers of brimstone substrates, but leering, earth-walking humanoids. Anybody who is shocked by the amount of exposed body parts on the Internet is not a student of history. Archaeologists don't have conclusive carbon dated evidence, but there is considerable data confirming the hypothesis that the wheel was invented so early man could have easier access to nude petroglyphs on the other side of his prehistoric valley.An ice age, Renaissance and several world conflicts later, there is little proof that evolution has affected this part of the male homo sapiens cranium. What is certain is that computer geeks are hornier than the average labrador retriever. Yes, I know this is an affront to labradors retrievers and their owners everywhere. Nonetheless, have you ever noticed the number of dog classified advertisements that list lab/elkhound/beagle/poodle/any-dog-living-in- a-yard-with-a- jumpable-fence mixes? My favorite is the "bassador." Sounds like another bad American Motors idea or a late night TV ad for a fishing lure, but it is really an unholy basset hound/labrador union.But back to the subject of bipedal dogs -- history documents that most of the advances in technology have been driven by feral packs of horny geeks. The first not-at-all-instamatic cameras greatly reduced the cost of buying nude oils paintings and marble statues created by the great masters. It of course also greatly reduced the number of fake great masters who just entered art school for the nude model sessions. Horny geeks were mollified for several decades thereafter until Polaroids took the middle men out of the process. Instant photos allowed them to avoid the embarrassment of picking up photos from winking clerks at the local PhotoMat. The only problem was that it is much more difficult to find nude models to pose for you if you are a photographer with only a Polaroid camera. Hence the evolution into moving pictures and greater technology.About two decades later, the first VCRs nearly put the Art (wink, wink ) theaters out of business. Two more decades later Bill Gates is a multi-billionaire and Congress is trying to slam on the computer brakes on the next generation of horny geeks now armed with modems, software and a ready made pipeline into even Ward Cleaver's den.This is not intended to be a primer on how to find lusty bits in computerland, but it is almost impossible to avoid them. All you have to do is accidentally type in the word "nude" instead of "node" (one of the two points in which the orbit of a planet intersects the ecliptic) in any of the dozen or so search engines and you will be bombarded by writhing bodies faster than you can say "Hugh Hefner wishes he had thought of it first." Apparently millions of people are confusing these two words. It even happened to me once.Although many other men will lie to you in public, few in private can resist the urge to click their mouse on an icon (that they accidentally found) that says "nude pictures of Cindy Crawford."If not for an untimely power shortage, I might have clicked it myself.

Enjoy this piece?

… then let us make a small request. AlterNet’s journalists work tirelessly to counter the traditional corporate media narrative. We’re here seven days a week, 365 days a year. And we’re proud to say that we’ve been bringing you the real, unfiltered news for 20 years—longer than any other progressive news site on the Internet.

It’s through the generosity of our supporters that we’re able to share with you all the underreported news you need to know. Independent journalism is increasingly imperiled; ads alone can’t pay our bills. AlterNet counts on readers like you to support our coverage. Did you enjoy content from David Cay Johnston, Common Dreams, Raw Story and Robert Reich? Opinion from Salon and Jim Hightower? Analysis by The Conversation? Then join the hundreds of readers who have supported AlterNet this year.

Every reader contribution, whatever the amount, makes a tremendous difference. Help ensure AlterNet remains independent long into the future. Support progressive journalism with a one-time contribution to AlterNet, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you. Click here to donate by check.

Close