Babes, Inc.

Herewith, some of our new enterprises. Babe Books A fabulous new imprint, Babe Books is devoted to expanding the general public's knowledge and appreciation of babely living. Selections from our spring catalogue include: * The Road Babes Travel (with a foreword by M. Scott Peck) -- A moving, heart-warming account of some of the babes' early experiences and how these helped lay the groundwork for a lifetime journey toward spiritual growth and dewy skin. * Embabed by the Light -- A fascinating account of one woman's near-babe experience, which mysteriously occurred on a sultry summer evening in 1992, when, clad in warming peach tones, she suddenly viewed herself in the flattering lighting of the ladies' room at the Four Seasons Hotel and her life changed forever. * Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and Babes Are from Some Other Planet Altogether (Don't You Wish You Knew Where It Was?) -- A revolutionary and thought-provoking examination of the differences between men, women, and babes, with a moving foreword by Heather Locklear. * The Babe Book of Virtues--Moral stories adapted from Roseanne, Seinfeld, Mary Tyler Moore Show reruns, and elsewhere. * Babes Who Run with the Wolves--A provocative meditation addressing why certain men can never be trusted as jogging partners. Also, watch for our spring food-and-wine titles, including Babe Cookery, More Babe Cookery, Wine Tasting with the Babes, and Babe Cooking Made Easy: Let's Call the Caterer! Exciting mystery titles include B Is for Babe. And Babe Books's fiction runs the best-selling gamut, from The Babes of Madison County to The Kitchen God's Babe. Tru-Value Babe Tool & Appliance Centre This arm of Babes, Inc., functions roughly like the Mary Kay Cosmetics company. A babe has a home-repair problem, she calls the Tru-Value Babe Tool & Appliance Centre's 800 number. Within 30 minutes, a tool consultant pulls up to the babe's home in a pink Cadillac, enters the premises, and unlatches a lovely tool-and-appliance display kit, which contains all manner of carefully labeled nuts, bolts, screwdrivers, and so on. The consultant then assesses the babe's problem, recommends the needed tool or appliance, demonstrates how to use it, then dispenses free samples of laundry detergent, furniture polish, and other household products. There is no charge for the consultant's visit, tools and appliances are priced at wholesale levels, and every large appliance purchased comes with its own man, a muscular handyguy named Irv, who will remain on call for installation, repair, and general maintenance. Babe HealthStop An All-Babe HMO, Babe HealthStop is a walk-in facility that caters to all your babely health needs. Conceptualized a little like a salad bar, it features specially designated service areas, allowing babes to pick and choose assistance based on their needs. Customized sites include, but are not limited to: Emergency Fingernail Repair, Random Facial-Hair Tweezing Facilities, Hosiery-Replacement and Run-Prevention Services; a Static-Cling-Elimination Booth; and a large Hairstyle Correctional Area, in which pouffy hair, limp hair, uncooperative bangs, and hat head are dutifully attended to. There's little to no waiting time, although babes who find themselves in line may take a seat at the Scuffed Heel Service Station and sip a cappuccino while a kindly gentleman polishes that unsightly spot on the back of her pumps she gets from driving. Babe Realty, Inc. At Babe Realty, we classify homes and apartments not according to numbers of rooms or square footage, but rather according to the Babe Homeplace Indices: cuteness level (on a scale from cloying to elegant); offensiveness/desirability of homeplace odor; cleanliness and spaciousness of bathroom; and amount of sunlight received daily, measured in photons. We also guarantee that the interiors of all our properties will be painted in warm and flattering peach tones. See Embabed by the Light under "Babe Books," above. Blockbabester Video A chain of video-rental stores that organizes films in ways that are more meaningful to babes than the system used by your ordinary video store. Upbeat, feel-good movies are located in the "Mascara Maintenance" section; action and adventure films are in the "Sweaty Man/Minimal Fashion" section. An aisle called "Feeling Fat Today?" carries John Waters's films featuring Divine; a "Cinderella Fantasy" aisle features the likes of Pretty Woman and An Officer and a Gentleman. All tapes are, of course, self-rewinding. And when they're due, our staff picks them up, chez toi. Les Babes Bilingual Centre des Language We know you've been waiting for this one. Now vous, too, can learn to parler le Francaise comme les babes! C'est bon! Les Babes can teachez vous l'art de parler Francaise perfectement dans six lessons simplement. Nous coverons tout d'aspects de parling Francaise, includement conversation basique, coversation des emergencies (i.e., "Help!" et "Vite! Donnez-moi le polish de fingernails! J'ai une run des stockings!"), et conversation advancement. Vous will speakez commes les babes -- that is, commes une experte -- dans no temps. 1-900-NON-MERCI (a subsidiary of Babe Telepublishing, Inc.) There's never been anything like 1-900-non-merci, a special hotline for non-assertive babes who find themselves in a jam. If you've agreed to do something you really don't want to do, but you can't think of a way to get out of it, call now! We've got tough, older women standing by, hard-boiled broads who've said "no" enough to last a lifetime. Some of these women are lawyers, extensively schooled in justification scenarios; they'll furnish you with escape plans that'll stand up in court. Others are doctors and parents, who can write you notes of excuse. Twenty-five cents for the first three minutes; 50 cents for each additional minute. As the babes like to put it, just say non. Interested in learning more about Babes, Inc.? Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope, along with a cash donation ($250 minimum) to: Caroline Knapp and Beth Wolfensberger, Babes, Inc., c/o The Boston Phoenix, 126 Brookline Avenue Boston, MA 02215.

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