Ask The Advice Goddess 7

I have decided to get breast implants so I can be more self-confident. The thing is, I am a little worried about how people are going to react if they see a difference in me. I'm not sure what I should say if people say something, or whether I should say anything if they don't. What do you suggest? --Miss L, Washington, D.C.Apparently, you and two Yemenite nomads who have been lost in the desert for several decades are the only humans on the planet who have yet to view The Wizard Of Oz, a movie in which several creatures learn that there's no easy way to get a heart, brains, or courage. Please rent this film and pay close attention to its message before you let anybody with a scalpel get up close and personal. In other words, a bigger cup size may put a little spring into your step, but you shouldn't expect it to transform your life.Should you decide to go through with this surgery, and should you subsequently wish to convince the world that your new set of twins was an original accessory, remember these helpful post-op tips: Wearing low-cut clothing several sizes too small and sending out change of address cards indicating a new Hollywood pad are dead giveaways.When presenting The New Improved You to the general public, attitude is everything. If you seem happy and confident, you'll set the tone for others' reactions. While you needn't announce to the world that you've added a new landing to the home office, should anyone inquire about your renovations, the humorous approach is probably your best option... short, sweet and outrageous.Pick the handy sample explanation that suits you best:*I'm just a late bloomer. *It's the miracle of prayer. *I didn't have my own, so I adopted. *My body was invaded by two extremely tiny pod people. *My car didn't have a space for a cup-holder, so I improvised. *I put my brains where men can find them. *I was partially reincarnated as Jayne Mansfield. *It's the first step in the Witness Protection Program. *I got trapped all weekend in gravity boots.Even if nobody believes your account of the transition from Wonderbra to Wonderbreasts, surely you'll get bonus points for entertainment value. And should you manage to convince the gullible that a little spiritual growth can have impressive fringe benefits -- (from Dalai Lama to Dolly Parton) -- you could probably make your new boobies pay for themselves, by starting your own church. But, remember, if you're not careful in your choice of surgeon, your temple could very well end up being the next Dome of The Rock.***I work in an office. The guy in the cubicle across from me loves to play loud music -- which happens to be music I detest. He constantly plays Meatloaf and Gorecki's Symphony #3. I tried to be nice at first, and I asked him nicely a number of times to turn his music down or off. Then I told him seriously. But he still keeps playing this terrible music, over and over and over again. I've gone to my boss about this several times, but he told me we have to work it out between ourselves. Help! --Chopped Meat In MinneapolisSince having him killed -- which seems a reasonable act of self defense against anyone repeatedly inflicting Meatloaf on others -- is still prohibited by law, you're going to have to beat him at his own game.Buy the soundtrack of the John Cleese film, "The Secret Policeman's Other Ball." On it are several recordings of the English orchestra, "The Portsmouth Sinfonia," conducted by Sir John Farley, which is renowned as "The Worst Symphony Orchestra In The World." And it is. A group of acclaimed professional musicians play a screeching and honking version of "The Blue Danube," guaranteed not only to wake the dead, but to make them leap out of their graves and run down the street screaming.Once you start playing this in your office, the winds of change are sure to blow. Your coworker will probably get the message and change or turn down his tune. Your boss could find it a little more difficult to abdicate responsibility when his sanity and eardrums are at stake, and may ban music in the office outright or require aficionados to wear headphones. Or, if the battle of the bands is allowed to continue, everyone in your office will surely lose their minds, then their jobs, and you'll all live out the rest of your days as wards of the state in the serenity of your local mental institution.Got a problem? Ask Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, box 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com

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