Ask the Advice Goddess 20
About four months ago, I started having lunch about three times a week with this guy who frequents the cafe near my office. I really enjoy his company; he's bright and interesting and fun to talk to. He recently told me he only comes there so much so he can see me. He's not my usual "type," but one day, I looked at him and realized I found him really sexy, and started lusting after him. And it's just been downhill from there. I asked him to join me for a couple of casual evening events, but both times, he turned me down, and didn't ask if we could "make it another time." He's also alluded to having an interest in someone else. I have too much self-respect to chase after someone who isn't interested in me -- besides, I have a few other men asking me out -- so I decided to give up on him as anything more than someone fun to talk to. The problem is, lately, I can't get him out of my head. I'll be doing something at work and all of a sudden, I'll have a little lust flash about him. Please help! --FeverishIf only you'd found yourself inhabited by aliens, possessed by demons, or invaded by a tapeworm the length of a triathalon. As harrowing as these dilemmas might be, all are easily eradicated with the assistance of Sigourney Weaver, your local exorcist or medical professional.But since your takeover is an "inside job," you're on your own. And here's more bad news: There's no clear-cut cure for what ails you. Even as pharmaceutical companies advertise hi-tech allergy remedies by showing lifelong hay-fever sufferers loping happily through amber waves of grain, (desperately seeking Sandy Duncan)??, none of them seem to have half a clue about how to get one's internal CD player off infinite repeat. What makes your task even harder is that you can't just cut this guy out of your life. You might as well be a diabetic working as a pastry chef.Reason is your best weapon against your emotional poltergeists. Every time they zap you with their little lust bolts, remind yourself that your feelings for this guy are an exercise in futility. Pursuing him, even in your head, is irrational and a waste of time. Just ask yourself: what important new ideas is this continuous lust loop crowding out of your head? When you're plagued by unwelcome thoughts, yell at them to leave you alone, and try to force your brain onto more productive subjects. (Avoid conversing with yourself in public, as it tends to invite the attention of men whose job description includes the daily employment of patient restraint devices).You might also find success with baser tactics. Reason aside, perhaps one of the very best ways to divert your imagination from the arms of one man is to lose yourself in the crotch of another. _____________________________________________ My friend went out with this girl for two months. He's kind of a jerk to women, and it was obvious they weren't getting along. She and I got along great, so, we started going out a couple months after they broke up. My friend is a painter, and he had taken nude photographs of her and done some nude paintings of her. A couple months after she and I started going out, he slid a big charcoal nude of her under my door with writing scrawled on it like, "I'm not mad at you anymore, she's yours now..." --you know, pathetic guy stuff. So, anyway, push came to shove, and she dumped me (this happened two years ago). Here's the problem: I was cleaning out my storage locker last week and I found that nude drawing of her. I'm normally a pack rat, but there are too many painful memories I associate with it, and I don't want to keep it. But it seems wrong to throw it away. I thought she might want it, but I don't know if I should send it to her, because I don't want her to think I'm still crawling after her. What should I do? --Oliver, TiburonIn cases like this, tone and manner are everything. Call your ex when you don't expect her to be home and leave a friendly but businesslike message asking if she'd like to have the picture. Give her two weeks to call you to claim it. She shouldn't make any assumptions that you're still holding a torch for her if the tenor of your message reflects that, in her absence, your life has gone on, and you're now getting your nudes from other sources.