Ask The Advice Goddess 16

I am a 30 year old woman just coming out of a three-year relationship. All my life, I have been what you would call a serious serial monogamist. Now that I'm 30, I feel that I don't have infinite time for everything, and I have a desire to get my yayas out. But I don't want to take advantage of anyone and I don't want to be unkind. Can you give me some tips on dating multiple people and not making a commitment but not being a jerk?On your first date with a man, if you confess to him, "You know, I'm really not interested in making any kind of commitment right now, because I just want to get my 'ya-ya's' out"...(whatever "ya-ya's" are)...which of the following do you think would be his reply?a. "Damn! I was hoping you'd want to get married right away!" b. "What is it with you girls and fear of commitment?" c. "Your sheets or mine?"(If you picked "a" or "b," please schedule an emergency appointment with your local mental health professional to get those delusions checked out).Since you were blessed with two X chromosomes, you can live as all the boys dream of living, but only a girl can. In other words, not only can you "have your cake and eat it too," you can have it delivered to you on a silver platter by an extremely attractive nude butler. Of course, in your new incarnation as a "good-time-Charlotte," be sure to invest heavily in latex.Regarding how to inform men about your intentions, before you start pricing advertising space on The Goodyear Blimp, take heed that you needn't make any bold pronouncements. Wait until you're out with a man, and deftly drop your "just-dating" status into conversation. For example, you might mention that you just got out of a long relationship, and note that you intend to "date around" for a while. To men, this is code for "I just want to have wild, no-strings-attached sex with you and a few other people."In all of this, your main problem should be getting men to believe you, because a girl who "just wants to have fun" will probably seem too good to be true. Once a man understands that you're sincere, chances are, he will be more than thrilled to help you shake out those "ya-ya's."I'm a guy in my early thirties. My problem is that I always seem to end up with women who are "looking for daddy." I think a lot of these women feel a powerful need to be taken care of, and they look to me for stability and security. But I can only sustain the dad thing for about three months and then the relationship falls apart. The other person needs a father figure so badly that she will either behave badly so I continue to fill that role or move on when I stop playing it. How do I find women who aren't looking for substitute parenting? --World's Worst DadIt's understandable that you'd like continue dating for a few years before you consider adopting a daughter -- especially one who's already a fully grown adult.You need a woman who doesn't need you; a woman who's strong and independent; one who finds her stability and security within herself and is already complete...with or without a man.Of course, dating an Uberfrau comes with a whole new set of problems. A woman who doesn't need you won't do as much for your ego as these "fixer-uppers" you've been seeing. While you protest that these daddy's girls rely on you too much; you may find yourself complaining that your supergirl relies on you too little, and is too busy with her life and her career to pay much attention to you. On the other hand, if you manage to start a relationship with such a girl, you'll know that she needs you because she loves you, not the other way around.To find her, you needn't start trolling the singles bars for a woman whose briefcase has a bigger bulge than yours. Instead, pretend you are a personnel director trying to hire a new employee and turn to "headhunters." In other words, make your problem known to friends who might be acquainted with a woman who fits your job description.You may end up going on a few blind dates you'd like to forget, but you'll be a lot more likely to find a woman who wants a lover and companion...instead of an overgrown pre-teen who is looking for a man to pay her private school tuition and tell her whether or not she's allowed to pierce her ears. c1997, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved.Got a problem? Ask Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, box 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com

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