Ask The Advice Goddess 10

My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. We really love each other, but as you would expect, after three years, sometimes we get a little bored of the same ole same ole in bed. How can we inject a little spice into our sex life? --Yawning on Market StreetHaving sex with the same person over a long period of time is akin to being held hostage by the chef of a five-star San Francisco restaurant. No matter how incredible the food, after your thirtieth or fortieth plate of flaming emu in raspberry coulis, you'd probably trade your life for a couple bites of grilled American cheese on white bread from the local greasy spoon.Unfortunately, when you're in a relationship, "dining out" tends to be frowned upon, except by the swinging few. The trick is to transform your nightly meat and potatoes into an exciting new dish. Luckily, time is on your side, as you and your girlfriend have probably built up enough intimacy and trust to feel comfortable trying something wild.To fire up your love life, break out your imagination. Ask about each other's hidden fantasies, and try to fulfill them. When experimenting, keep in mind Woody Allen's great line, "Sex is only dirty when it's done right."In that spirit, you and your girlfriend might even try having a sordid affair...with each other. Or, if one of you fantasizes about having sex with a stranger, act it out together. Choose a sleazy pick-up bar far enough from home that you won't bump into nosy neighbors and co-workers. Go separately to the bar. Since you're supposed to be strangers, it's best if you look different than usual and surprise each other. Your girlfriend should wear a wig, and you might show up with your hair slicked back, wearing a terrible sharkskin suit. To follow through on the stranger aspect, go by different names.Your girlfriend will arrive at the bar first, dressed just this side of Divine Brown, to make all the men there want her. When you arrive, she should feign hostility to you, and pay attention to other men. Slowly, you'll win her over. You'll end up feeding her appetizers, then making out at the bar. When the two of you start to get hot and heavy, (or when the jealousy quotient in the bar threatens to break the barometer), hit the road. Take care not to get arrested molesting each other in the car, unless spending the remainder of your evening being molested by unwashed felons in the county jail is part of your fantasy.Go to a cheap motel -- the kind where you pay by the hour -- and register as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. (If your name really is Smith, register as Mr. and Mrs. Bogodosian).To take this fantasy all the way, make yourself all the more a stranger to your girlfriend with amusing disguises -- fake glasses or a little fake mustache (available from novelty stores and theatrical costume places). Can anything be so sexy (or at least good for a laugh) as that moment when she rips off your cheesy mustache like an old bandaid?For further excitement, stock up on the appropriate props, and act out some of these fun-filled scenarios:*The cruel boss makes her boy secretary stay late at the office, then makes him work hard for his promotion. Only try this in offices that can be double-locked from inside, unless you wish to incorporate the janitorial staff into your fun.*The girl with the broken down car is saved by the big, strong, shirtless mechanic, who then has his way with her in the cab of his truck. Your girlfriend should leave her hood up and her blinkers on, as if stranded. Be sure you are close enough behind to beat out any enterprising tow-truck drivers with similar goals in mind.*The rich socialite shows her burly gardener just where to plant it.*The traffic cop offers the speeding stripper the easy way out of a ticket.*The mean mistress gives her servant boy a few orders.*Don't just go to bed in bed. Move your sex life into the world at large; for example, the bathroom of a public place. Avoid trying this one during peak hours in a restaurant with only one bathroom, lest you emerge to an extremely hostile cross-legged audience.*Buy how-to sex books and try new positions.*Get a few scarves and take turns tying each other up.*Play with each other while stuck in traffic. (If your vehicle is a car, take heed that those in trucks and four-wheel drives probably have a bird's eye view of your activities).*Bring food into bed. And I don't mean breakfast.Bon Appetit!Got a problem? Ask Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, box 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com

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