10 New Ideas For A Great Date

Now that the season has turned your thoughts to fancy, you're feeling a little randy and walking around with smutty things on your mind. I can tell. All you can think about is dates, dates, dates: whining for one, getting one, having one, keeping one, giving one the heave-ho, putting one on a train and waving "bye! bye!" -- stuff like that. It's all just one more reason for you to hit the sauce. I'm here to give you some wild, romantic ideas for dates. Since referring to your dates as he/ she is tiresome, I will henceforth refer to your date as "Skoobie." Here are a few of my dating suggestions:1. Take the bus to Skoobie's house. After the beer and the tour of the refinished basement, call four taxi cabs and sing and dance "The Jet Song" from West Side Story across the roofs of the cabs. Make sure the drivers snap their fingers and sing "When you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way/ from your first cigarette to your last dying day/pow-bang!/ boy, boy/crazy boy/ be coooooool boy!"2. I had a friend in high school who found religion. One day while driving down the road she shouted "Praise Jesus!" and, one by one, flicked all her birth control pills out the window, including the placebos. So you could try that, and see how Skoobie takes it. It could be a test of Skoobie's love for you.3. Dates in a bathroom are a good idea all around. You can't hide anything under those lights, and there's a mirror there to test Skoobie's narcissism. If you want to do health-and-beauty treatments, you couldn't be in a better location -- there's the tub and plenty of water to wash up with. Who wants a date who can't find entertainment in an area of 40 square feet?4. Take Skoobie on a Saturday bumper sticker shopping expedition. The search for bumper stickers can take you into all manner of establishments, including hardware stores and Arco stations. My personal favorites are "Go Right With God-Or Get Left" and "I (Heart) Ferrets."5. Now that most people poop-scoop their dog piles in public parks, why not take Skoobie for a roll? Climb up to the closest hill in your local park and roll down, making a missile-shaped object out of your body. People can't resist rolling down hills, and before you know it, the speed walkers and hippies will be doing it right along with you, and Skoobie will love your wacky child-at-heart spirit.6. Make some anti-establishment graffiti in the dead of night. For instance, spray-paint MILK on a wall somewhere in big, angry letters.7. Have a salon and talk about the subject: "The Fauvism Movement: Too Much Red? Or No?" Skoobie may want to act out some fauvist scenes from your favorite artworks -- but that could get kinky, so look out.8. Take Skoobie with you to purchase a house, or car, or racehorse. Make sure to keep consulting Skoobie on the purchase: "Whaddaya think, does this one have weird hooves?"; "Do you like the one with the patio?" You and Skoobie could test-drive Lincoln Continentals, though you have to look like a grown-up and deal with a salesman to do that. Why not get gussied up and go to the airport and hold up a placard saying PIA ZADORA (or anyone you like). Then go to one of those airport steakhouses and glutton out.9. You and Skoobie make your own dang list. If you send me a self-addressed stamped envelope, I'll send you a crayon to make it with.10. Use cake-decorating letters to spell out "Is You Is, Or Is You Ain't My Baby?" in a big bowl of orange Jell-O. Practice in advance pretending you have no idea how it happened. During dinner you had better have a few glasses of wine to bolster your confidence if you're going to call this a dessert miracle. If you are going to pull the divine visitation stunt, I'd advise not serving Miracle Dessert after Dogma Dinner (a delightful cheesy casserole with pages of the King James Bible baked inside it.So there are some festive ideas for your love life. You needed them, because dinner and a movie is B-O-R-I-N-G. It's a competitive arena, and no place to be putting someone to sleep, especially if you want to paw at them later. Also, don't forget, there are always bands playing most nights at your local bars.


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Happy Holidays!