101 Reasons Why Pacifica Won't Fire Me

101 reasons why Pacifica will not cancel my program or fire me. (in the style of Tuli Kupferberg's *1001 Ways to Beat the Draft*)

"As a result of what took place in Berkeley, we began to lose membership (and income). Our listeners began to lose faith in Pacifica. It was the efforts of this management team that promised to repair that damage by renewing the trust that was lost through no fault of our own." -WBAI Management Team memorandum protesting the removal of Valerie Van Issler as general manager of WBAI-FM, NYC. November 30, 2000

Pacifica will not cancel my program or fire me because . . .

1. I've been very reasonable about all this.

2. I've done everything I was told.

3. I've followed all the rules.

4. I've read the Strategic Plan.

5. I've memorized the Strategic Plan.

6. I can sing the Strategic Plan to the tune of Holly Near's "No more genocide in my name."

7. I'm not white and from Berkeley.

8. I'm not black or latino and from Los Angeles.

9. I'm not a physicist from Houston.

10. I'm a nice person.

11. I'm not a nice person.

12. I still subscribe to The Nation magazine.

13. I signed Saul Landau's letter.

14. I almost signed Saul Landau's letter.

15. I'm Saul Landau.

16. I'm almost Saul Landau.

17. I'm Marc Cooper.

18. I'm Augusto Pinochet.

19. I've already been fired.

20. I've already been fired twice.

21. I'm not over 50.

22. I'm not over 30.

23. I'm not over 15.

24. I never complain about anything.

25. I dislike the listeners.

26. I despise the listeners.

27. I positively loathe and despise the listeners.

28. I killed a listener last week. It felt good.

29. We're cooking a station volunteer for the holidays this year.

30. I gave at the office.

31. I gave at the Institute for Policy Studies.

32. I gave at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

33. I gave at The Nation magazine Alaska Tour.

34. I gave at the School of the Americas.

35. I still subscribe.

36. I still don't subscribe.

37. I don't like Amy Goodman.

38. I think she is rude.

39. I think she was rude to the Philadelphia police department.

40. I think she was rude to President Clinton.

>41. I think she was rude to Alberto Fujimori.

>42. I think she was rude to Nigeria.

>43. I think she was rude to my coffee.

>44. I think mistakes were made on all sides.

>45. I think it's time to move on.

46. I think it's time to move out.

47. I believe in deep breathing.

48. I believe in the gag rule.

49. I believe in acceptance.

50. I believe in unconditional surrender.

51. I promise to strive for ever greater effectiveness.

52. I promise to be a much bigger weekly cume.

53. I promise not to look sideways.

54. I promise not to make eye contact.

55. I'm normal.

56. I'm innocent.

57. I was out of the loop.

58. I was exonerated by the independent counsel.

59. I think they should sell KPFA.

60. I think they should sell WBAI.

61. I think they should sell me.

62. I'm still with the Democrats.

63. I'm still with the Pinkertons.

64. I'm still with the Mafia.

65. I dunno nuttin' boss.

66. I'll sign anything.

67. I'll admit anything.

68. I'll do anything.

69. I'll vote for Al Gore in 2004.

70. I won't sue anybody.

71. I'm your friend.

72. I'm your mother.

73. I'm your lawyer.

74. I'm your market.

75. I'm your doctor.

76. I'm Doctor Berry.

77. I'm Doctor Schlesinger.

78. I'm Judge Judy.

79. I know where Jimmy Hoffa is.

80. I know where Lynn Chadwick is.

81. I'm not Larry Bensky.

82. I'm not Fidel Castro.

83. I'm not Lewis Hill.

84. I don't appear in KPFA-on-the-Air.

85. I've offered constructive criticism.

86. I've offered years of experience.

87. I've offered double indemnity.

88. I've offered the National Security State.

89. I've offered medical marijuana.

90. I've offered witness protection.

91. I'm still a nice person.

92. I'm still not a nice person.

93. I'm ready for my network of radio stations in the South.

94. I'm ready for Microsoft.

95. I'm ready for the Pew Charitable Trust.

96. I'm ready for Archer Daniel Midlands.

97. I'm ready for Viewers Like You.

98. I'm ready for enhanced underwriting.

99. I'm ready to grow up.

100. I'm ready to be relevant.

101. I'm ready for my close-up.

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