Babylon A Go-Go

Nothing brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to Dr. Laura.

Wartime is different. During a war, all of the things the Extreme Christian has spent his spare time reading about in those books with the cheesy illustrated covers are suddenly in play. During times of peace, hope for deliverance always remains far off, but in times of war, there is always at least a theoretical chance that the entire physical world will be reduced to rubble, clearing the way for the magic moment — when the sky opens up, and an angel floats down from heaven, saying, "You see, Jerry, you were right all along ... the others were fools ... they should never have given you shit about your station wagon ... the Glorious Appearing is Nigh ..."

The Christian nerd factor for this particular war in Iraq has been higher than usual, and for obvious reasons. One, it is being waged for no obvious reason, making it fertile ground for all sorts of wild scriptural speculation— just about anything you want to dream up, even the idea that Saddam Hussein is the antichrist makes more sense than the actual justification for the war given by the government. Two, our occupation of Iraq is, or at least has evolved into, a confrontation with Islam. Three, it is led on our side by a Christian. Four, it is taking place in the site of ancient Babylon, a territory with no small significance in the Armageddon story.

That said, not much of the rhetoric emanating from the apocalyptic crowd is all that coherent. There isn't much of a consensus as to what it's all about. In fact, a lot of the murmurings from places like End Times magazine and the Lahaye/Jenkins Left Behind set will remind you of Butthead's reaction to a Kraftwerk video: "Hey, Beavis. This means something."

There are some general themes, of course. In general, the Christian right strongly supports the war, and is deeply concerned with Saddam Hussein's persecution of Christians. It has suddenly become very worried about human rights abuses in Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. It Supports The Troops, who are vaguely supposed to be doing God's work. And of course the fundamentalists are in a hurry to send Bibles by the hundreds of thousands, so that they can be read as soon as the electricity comes on. But with regard to the question of what the war is all about, where it's leading us, and why, the picture is much more confused.

There is absolutely nothing in the world funnier than a fundamentalist Christian in a state of high spiritual agitation, happily injected into the middle of a grotesque secular disaster. Hand him a pen, camera or guitar in these situations, and he is likely to outshine even the pre-rehab Sam Kinison for pure comic power. He becomes a resource the country should really treasure.

With that in mind, here are AlterNet's nominations for the Christian right's five funniest Iraq war moments:

1. Missile crate baptism photograph from "A Greater Freedom," edited by Oliver North.

This picture deserves to be considered a classic of military photojournalism. It depicts an American human being on the decks of an aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Truman, sitting up to his nipples in a munitions crate filled with water. Aviation Technician 2nd Class Sean Zahornacky is being baptized. In accordance with the solemnity of the occasion, he is wearing a t-shirt that reads "Old Navy Clothing Company." To his left and to his right, a pair of buzzcutted geeks in military khakis welcoming him to their mad, mad world.