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What Happened When I Shot a Porn Movie With a Famous Porn Actor

When James Deen tweeted that he was accepting submissions from regular folks like me to film scenes with him I laughingly turned to my coworker and said, "Oh, let's submit!"

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The first rule of porn club is, get tested. The second rule of porn club is, get tested. The third rule of porn club is, smile! Let me be very clear about one thing... I do not like needles. I have 10 tattoos but something about blood donating/vaccination needles has always given me pause. Could it possibly be because they are so large it would appear they are about to penetrate your very soul. Could that be it??? It's probably because I have small veins, or so I've been told. It takes even the most accomplished nurse at least two tries before they can find one, all while giggling about how tiny they are. This trip to the doctor was no exception. Although this time was extra fun because they required three vials of my blood. I assume that's one vial for every letter in HIV. Jesus Christ. I almost died. Lucky for me I aced that test. I am Less Than Patient Zero. I shared the good news with Deen's press agent and received this email from Mr. Deen himself:

hello,
first off, hi, i am james . now that is done... i was told you went and got tested yesterday. i was wondering what days would be best for us to shoot? also, what type of stuff are you into, what you envision for this scene, would you want to do more than one scene, is there a place you would feel comfortable shooting? all that type of stuff. basically i just want to make sure to provide you with the perfect porno experience and that we have as much fun as imaginable. i look forward to meeting you.

  

I immediately felt comfortable. I had never seen any of his films. Friends that had told me he was occasionally somewhat rough with women but this email proved that all activities were decided upon beforehand and it let me know that this is MY porn and I'll cry, get spanked, get tied up if I want to.

During the course of our exchanges we discussed how we wanted things to go. James told me that if there was no sexual chemistry we could just hang around and joke all day. No sexual chemistry? What does that say about me? I envisioned Deen not really "feeling it," so I would just do 20 minutes of standup in some hotel room for him. Cum here often? Not today I guess. I just flew in and boy are my arms tired guess I'll just nap in front of the TV no sex here. Do not look behind the curtains. Nothing to see folks.

I'm very good at travel research. I weirdly love planning a trip almost as much as I love going on the trip itself. I started researching hotels in New York with only one criteria in mind: find a room that is the least porntastic as possible. Out of curiosity I watched one of Deen's amateur videos. The only thing I could think the entire time was why didn't this girl make her bed? I could not get past the fact that her bed was so disheveled. I was determined to avoid a similar fate. Once I found a lovely room I booked my train and that was it.

The first thing I did when I checked into the hotel was take note of the two giant red velvet chairs that were not pictured on the website. Sometimes the best get laid plans... I went to the gym for obvious reasons then proceeded to treat the whole affair as if I were going to prom. I got a manicure/pedicure. I showered and shaved everything. I looked around the room and had bizarre thoughts like: Should I leave the book I'm reading on the nightstand? Maybe I should put my laptop away. I don't want the whole world to see what my laptop looks like. It didn't occur to me that the whole world was about to see what my lap looked like, my naked lap. The room felt a little warm so I decided to adjust the temperature to, you guessed it, 69 degrees. JOKES.

 
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