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The Top 10 Right-Wing Stocking Stuffers: Gifts for the Hardcore Conservative People in Your Life

Nothing says Christmas to your right-wing loved one like the gift of a Pat Robertson diet shake.
 
 
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Though the right-wing says  bah humbug to multiculturalism and diversity,  the right wing is, in fact,  a surprisingly diverse group. Not every right wing gift is suitable for every right wing person. So here are some different gifts that will appeal the different kind of right wingers in your life. 

  1. For Your Fitness-Conscious Friends: Pat Robertson's Diet Shake. This gift is perfect for your fuller-figured friends or people who want to get into shape so they can fight against the War on Christmas more effectively.  Pat's Diet Shake "is proven to promote an increase in lean muscles, significant weight loss and an overall improvement in heart health." The 720,000 people who've bought it can't be wrong. And Pat  attributes his unbelievable ability to leg press 2,000 pounds to his shake. You can order it in Creamy Vanilla or Double Chocolate for only $21! 
  2. For Your More Literary Friends: Sarah Palin's  Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas. Your more literary friends will love this opus. It's not only a great read, but a practical guide. And, according to the book's own author: "It might just change your life." In her typically astute and eloquent style, Palin presents an even-handed critique of the Christmasphobes, whose "vision is a secular winter festival, which launches on Black Friday and ends sometime afterKwanzaa. People who hold Christmas in contempt believe the holiday can be 'saved' from its religious heritage. The secular vision wants the 'peace' and the 'goodwill toward men' without the miracle of the Virgin Birth—forgetting, of course, that there is no ultimate peace apart from Christ, and it is Christ who empowers every act of 'goodwill toward men' in our otherwise fallen hearts." Silly secularists and followers of other faiths! They actually think people who don't believe in Christ are capable of good will!
  3. For Your Hard-To-Shop-For Friends:  Hobby Lobby Gift Card. Having trouble picking out a gift for that picky person? Well, let them pick out their own gift at a store which shares their values and opposition to  "death of an embryo" or what the radical left calls birth control. They'll love the Rosie the Riveter-inspired "I Can Do All Things Because of Christ"  t-shirt or Hobby Lobby CEO David Green's book  More Than a Hobby, which shares Green's "cutting-edge ideas," like "keep[ing] God and family first." 
  4. For Your Daughter and Other Virgins: A Christmas-Themed Purity Ring. Want to know what's even more effective than abstinence only? Abstinence only and a purity ring! As PurityRing.com explains, "A Purity Ring is the most important piece of jewelry that a teen or single adult can wear." The rings "encourage purity, abstinence and chastity." I'm partial to the  Protected Heart and the Georgia O'Keeffe-esque " Purity Petals" purity rings. Plus, each ring comes with a Covenant of Purity Certificate & Pledge Card!
  5. For Your Gun-Toting Friends: An NRA Christmas Ornament. Nothing says Merry Christmas like decorations supporting corporate-sponsored gun lobbyists. So, check out this Christmas ornament, which the NRA wittily and punnily describes: "In 2013, the NRA played a starring role in the preservation of all Americans’ Second Amendment freedoms. So, it’s fitting that this year’s ornament is built upon a bold, ornate five-pointed star base. Constructed in three dimensional splendor, the focal point of this three-dimensional, 3” x 3” keepsake is a multi-colored NRA eagle, perched on two crossed rifles and a star spangled shield." 
  6. For Your Historian Friends: Bill O'Reilly's Killing Jesus. Though it seems paradoxical, gifting and reading the book  Killing Jesus is a great way to celebrate the birth of Jesus. It's also the perfect way to support the War on Christmas by supporting one of the earliest and most avid defenders of CHRISTmas: Bill O'Reilly. O'Reilly was a true pioneer and saw early on the dangers posed by the War on Christmas,  saying, "I think it's all part of the secular progressive agenda...to get Christianity and spirituality out of the public square.... Because if you look at what happened in Western Europe and Canada, if you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage." In this book, O'Reilly looks at "the events leading up to the murder of the most influential man in history: Jesus of Nazareth. Nearly two thousand years after this beloved and controversial young revolutionary was brutally killed by Roman soldiers, more than 2.2 billion human beings attempt to follow his teachings and believe he is God. Killing Jesus will take readers inside Jesus's life, recounting the seismic political and historical events that made his death inevitable - and changed the world forever." If you liked O'Reilly's  Killing Kennedy or Killing Lincoln or his erotic thriller  Those who Trespass, you'll love Killing Jesus
  7. For Your Current Events and News Junky Friends: Fox News TV Blanket. To be fair, Bill O'Reilly isn't the only Fox News Chanel presenter who has fought to protect Christmas from countercultural attack. After all, Megyn Kelly  fought to make sure children knew that Santa was undoubtedly white, as white, in fact, as Jesus Christ! In fact, the whole network contributes to making sure everyone is aware of the Nation's  biggest threat. So give the Fox News  TV blanket, which allows you to "watch all your favorite FOX News Channel shows in this cozy blanket." After all, your brain will be exhausted from all the intellectual stimulation from Fox. Your body deserves to be relaxed, comfortable and cozy. 
  8. For Your Artistic Friends: Ted Cruz to the Future - Comic Coloring Activity Book.  Another major warrior rallying to defend this sacred holiday is Ted Cruz. First, sign the Senator's End the War on Christmas  petition. Then buy this great book Ted Cruz to the Future-Comic Coloring Activity Book which "is a non-partisan, fact-driven view of how Texas Sen. Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz became a U.S. senator and details, through his quotes and public information his ideas for what he believes will help America grow. Cruz has openly identifies with the Tea Party and garners support from the Republican Liberty Caucus and many independents including democrats." It's for any age, so you don't need to be a kid to enjoy it. The books are selling like hot cakes, so If it's sold out, try buying another book in the same series, like  The Tea Party Coloring Book or, if your artistic friend already has that one  The Tea Party II: Why America Loves You! Coloring Book
  9. For Your Movie Watching Friends:  Christmas with a Capital C. If you thought the least successful and most right wing Baldwin brother was Stephen Baldwin, you'd be close but wrong. Turns out even less successful is Daniel Baldwin. But you can see him the film Christmas with a Capital C a 2010 movie  about "An attorney returns to his small home town in Alaska and quickly rocks the boat by getting an injunction against the nativity display tradition and attacking Christmas."
  10. For people Who Love The 2nd Amendment: World Net Daily Christmas Stocking. This is the ideal gift. Don't be fooled. This gift isn't just about the 2nd Amendment. And it's not just a stocking. It's "Stuffed with knowledge, patriotism, inspiration and joy of the season! Brighten up the life of your family members and friends with the latest thing from WND, these sensational, thoughtfully assembled – and deeply discounted – WND Christmas Stockings!" Inside, you will find:
  • Say Merry Christmas (Bracelet) 
  • a savior is born (Bracelet) 
  • a savior is born (Pin)  
  • Say Merry Christmas (Pin)  
  • LOL - Pin
  • WND.com Logo Easy-Off Adhesive Bumper Sticker
  • Chamber Indicator Safety Device
  • Shooting Back: The Right and Duty of Self Defense - (Paperback) 
  • Shooting Back: The Right and Duty of Self-Defense (DVD) 
  • The Second Amendment (Paperback)  
  • Handguns 101: A Guide for New Shooters (DVD) 
  • America was Founded by Right-Wing Extremists Bumper Sticker  
  • Legalize the Constitution Bumper Sticker
  • Whistleblower Single Issue - May 2007 (FIREARMS & FREEDOM)

Katie Halper is a blogger, comedian, filmmaker, and the cofounder of Laughing Liberally. Her latest documentary is Commie Camp. Follow her at @kthalps.

 
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