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7 Craziest Right-Wing Rants This Week: Satan's Role in Graham Crackers?

'Honey Maid's ads featuring same-sex couples is the work of the devil,' and more...

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1. Charles Koch writes hateful opinion piece in the Wall Street Journal, then moronic GOP senator recites it on the floor, instantly proving that pols are puppets of billionaires.

Isn't it fitting that greedy-ass billionaire Charles Koch published his op-ed claiming he is against “cronyism and political favors” — knowing full well that he and his equally evil brother David spend hundreds of millions of dollars to purchase those favors — the same week the Supreme Court ruled that the Kochs don’t even need the cover of an organization to outright buy politicians?

Money is speech, the right-wing gang bangers of the Supreme Court said, and people like the Kochs are free to lay it on just as thick as they want to.

But, Koch whined in his op-ed, just because he uses his enormous wealth to ruin the lives of all but the few of his fellow robber barons doesn’t mean that you “collectivists” get to criticize him. It hurts his feelings, waah, waah, waah!

Employing the age-old strategy of “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you,” Koch called his critics despots who are un-American. this free speech thing only applies to billionaires, you plebes!

Shortly thereafter, one of his flunkies in the Senate, Kansas GOP-er Jerry Moran read this great American’s op-ed out loud and in its entirety to his fellow senators, claiming it represented “mainstream” America.

Excuse us while we go throw up, collectively.

2. Glenn Beck: Obama is a military dictator who designs his own uniforms.

Radio wack-job Glenn Beck spewed so much craziness this week, it’s hard to isolate just one tidbit. The man is a veritable gusher of insane vitriol. Still, Beck became particularly unhinged by the news about Obamacare enrollment and went on an epic rant to rival his other epic rants. Some of the more absurd moments: “This guy (President Obama), put him on a balcony in a military uniform, this guy’s a full-fledged dictator . . . What are we doing? We’re watching a circus. Right now, we’re still allowed to say, ‘this is bogus. This is a fairytale. The emperor has no clothes. . .’ And everyone in the press, you rat bastards, you know . . . This is borderline insane, (Obama’s) a sociopath.”

Then returning to the uniform, Beck sputtered, “Put him in a uniform that he himself designed, because he’ll be the greatest uniform designer ever."

Oh my God, yes! You nailed it, Glenn. Obama, the sociopathic greatest uniform designer ever. It does not get more evil than that.

See for yourself:

3. Pat Buchanan: God is on Putin’s side. The West is like Gomorrah.

Pat Buchanan was having a little chat with God this weekend and God said, “You know, I like this guy Putin. He hates gays as much as I do.”

“I hear you God,” Pat replied. “I love Vlad.”

“The West is like Gomorrah,” God added.

“Well said, Yahweh. I might steal that line,” Patty chuckled. “Don’t you also hate the fact that the homosexual lobby has taken over that perfectly nice word, ‘gay,’ which used to just mean ‘happy,’ and now we can’t say it anymore.”

But God had hung up and moved on to other things, like catching a screening of that Noah flick, and smiting Bill Maher. (It was on God’s to-do list, like, forever.)

Pat wrote his column praising Putin for "planting Russia's flag firmly on the side of traditional Christianity" when it comes to anti-gay and anti-women’s rights policies. He also kvelled that Putin is “tapping into the worldwide revulsion of and resistance to the sewage of a hedonistic secular and social revolution coming out of the West.”