Obscure Candidate Proud To Be a Swinger

Editor's note: The author is one of 237 independent candidates for president. He delivered the following address at a recent National Press Club gathering.

For the past three weeks my rivals for president have engaged in a sleazy whispering campaign about my social life. I've invited the news media here today not to refute the rumors but to confirm them: I am a swinger.

Is this a confession? Hardly. It is a ringing declaration.

Nothing compares to the rush I get from "mini-dipping" a dozen dames. Three nights a week, 52 weeks a year -- it never gets old. Why a stallion like Al would limit himself to Tipper for a single night, let alone a lifetime, is beyond me.

The more the merrier, that's my philosophy. Bring it on, Barbara. You're next, Janet. Keep your motor running, Kimberly. Rrrrrrr.

I get goosebumps just thinking about my partners' specialties. Mary digs the "tunnel." Pat's my "pretzel" princess. I love rockin' Robin in the "cradle" and "beatin eggs" with Beth.

George Washington said "Avoid entangling alliances." I say enjoy 'em. Heck, half the fun of entering is figuring how to pull out!

Of course, where there's yin there's yang, and swinging has awakened a side of me I never knew existed:

One club for swingers celebrates male birthdays by inviting ladies to encircle the lucky guy and take turns treating him to a quickie. To add spice, sometimes gents will join in. Until my birthday last month, I had never had the "Texas Tommy" done to me. Wow! Hey fellas, don't make me wait a year for a repeat performance.

If a member of the media will join me on stage, I'd love to demonstrate the Texas Tommy. Sam? Cokie? How 'bout you, Dan? You know the camera loves you. Dan? My goodness, what shy glamourpusses!

As Sam, Cokie and Dan have just discovered, I don't embarrass easily. My rivals know this, so why do they even bother to dish what they misperceive as dirt? Their motive, as I see it, speaks directly to the character issue: They think they can hurt me by hurting the most important person in my life -- my little old gray-haired mother.

Well, I've got news for Mr. Subliminable and the Tennessee Stud: Mom approves. Why just the other day she was saying she's sure I'll meet my "Miss Right" if I just keep swinging.

Surprised? You may suffer from preconceived notions, so let me set the record straight. Now I'm the first to admit that swingers are a bit more, shall we say, "active" than most. But in every other respect we are remarkably like you. Coming in every size, shape and color, we look even more like America than Bill Clinton's Cabinet. We inspect your meat, lube your chassis, mentor your teens.

And yes, we run for president.

Let the chips and polls fall where they may, a proud swinger I remain. To my friends in the media, before you consign my campaign to the dustbin of history, you owe it to the masses who hang on your every insight to swing for yourselves. Later tonight, I promise to take all who are willing "around the world."

At the swing dance.

What did you think I was talking about?

Obscure presidential hopeful Dennis Hans hopes you consult your local dance instructor to master the moves he mentions.