Republican and Black?

It's been said that "Truth is the first casualty of war." If so, now that both conventions are history, the Republicans are about to unleash Armageddon on the American voting public.

Their convention was so scripted, it had all the drama and suspense of a Barney video. The quintessential Republican standard fare was served up to us on a pu-pu platter that consisted of huge helpings of Inclusion, Diversity, Education, and Campaign Reform. Who knew that the party of the rich, privileged, and well connected was also the party of gays, Hispanics, and Chaka Khan?

The fact that Republicans treated the truth like some telekinetic psychic turned loose in a spoon factory was not a surprise. The big stunner was that this convention was the coming out party for the shameful who walk among us black Americans. The social pariah among their own people. The self-loathers whose very existence causes a nation to question not only their motivation, but also their entire philosophy of life.

No, I'm not talking about the Chicago Cubs. I'm talking about Black Republicans. They're here. They're queer. And they're looking to recruit a few good Negroes.

Thought to be extinct around the late 60's and early '70's, the Black Republican has flourished over the last 10 years. Nurtured in an environment that can only be described as a parallel universe much different from reality as we know it, the Black Republican sees the world not in Black and White, but in subtle shades of Grey.

Many Black Republicans have, like Alan Keyes and the Honorable Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, taken advantage of social programs only to attack them and call for their elimination once they themselves had benefited from their existence. These programs -- which now have been relegated to "four-letter word status" -- were intended to give Blacks and minorities a helping hand in the face of overwhelming discrimination in the workplace and institutional racism. A leveling of the playing field, if you will.

The resurrection of the Black Republican can be traced to the election of Ronald Reagan. They, like so many other disaffected Democrats, were swept up by the entire Reagan Experience -- a slick, pre-packaged, highly glossed, chemically-altered haircut masquerading as an American President. The snake oil he sold to the American public was purchased by the barrel by a whole lot of well-meaning but unsuspecting Black folk -- along with a truckload of their White friends.

Steven Wright, the dry wit comedian from Boston, used to have a joke in his routine about the time he was walking down the street when all of a sudden the medicine wore out of his contact lens. Reagan's policies had that effect on the American public. The single-digit inflation and robust economic indicators wore off instantly when we finally came to grips with a domestic policy that consisted of robbing Peter to pay Paul. This was an economic shell game that gave us the Savings & Loan Scandal, budget deficits in the trillion-dollar range, and attacks on social programs that would have us believe that ketchup was considered a vegetable.

And we're supposed to go back to THAT? As Rochester would say -- "No Sir Mr. Benny!"

Black Republicans will have you believe that now, as we enter a new millennium, these programs have long outlived their usefulness. The America of today, the Black Republican will tell you, is a land that is close to fulfilling the dream of Dr. King. (The debating tactic of the Black Republican is to take the words of our most cherished Black leaders and use them to bolster their own arguments. Malcolm X? Louis Farrakhan? They stressed Black self-reliance, which means they support the elimination of Affirmative Action programs. They must be true Republicans. Martin Luther King? He dreamed a world where all men were measured by the content of their character and not by the color of their skin. Surely if he were alive today he would be a Republican. Booker T. Washington? His message was work hard, learn a trade, and divorce yourself from the political process. Well, two out of three ain't bad. But if you're going to vote, vote Republican.)