Mergers & Acquisitions -- Human Division

Weeks of speculation and rumor have given way to fact, as Laura Kimberly Finwood confirmed today that she has acquired Dennis Mark Hans. The official merger date is August 26, pending FTC (Father Timothy Carney) approval.

Speaking from the waterfront condo she soon will share with Hans, Finwood expressed delight at her acquisition. A 28-year-old editor and layout artist who is pursuing a master's degree in English, she anticipates significant efficiency gains. "Dennis already has his M.A.," she said. "With unlimited access to his class notes, term papers and brain, I can take more courses and earn better grades putting in one-third the time."

Finwood plans to take full advantage of Hans' reproductive capacity. "In the short run, free and plentiful sex will save time and money I otherwise would have to invest in high-risk meat markets," she said. "In the long run, children are a sign of stability and confidence in the future. Institutional investors appreciate that."

Hans is a product of dotanddave.com, a Maryland-based Mom-and-Pop operation that recently went south. He has been a takeover target since 1995, when he caught the eye of venture predators by downsizing his waistline from 50 to 32 inches and shedding Mary Samuels, with whom he had misguidedly merged in 1989.

"Hans can pick up after himself and cook a little," said Wendy Duncan, who tracks male commodities for Helen, Gurley & Brown. "He comes equipped with a TV, stereo, CD collection and comfy seven-foot sofa. Toss in a nice tush and you can see why Sonia Jones and Melody Jenkins would tender offers."

Hans fended off both in 1998. "There was no synergy with Sonia," he said, "and Melody seemed interested only in stripping my assets." He likes Finwood for her long-term earning potential.

"I'm a writer, and we've been undervalued in the market for some time," he said. "I'm expecting an upturn any decade now, but just in case that doesn't materialize I need someone to fall back on."

Finwood's parent company, Bert & Ruby, is less than enthusiastic about the merger. "We didn't launch Laura for this," said spokeswoman Ruby, who hasn't stopped crying since she heard the news. "He's ten years older and plagued with rotting dental infrastructure. And would someone please tell me the difference between a writer and a bum?"

Hans's former partner, Mary Samuels, echoes such sentiments. "He called his Great American Novel a 'work in progress,'" she said. "The only 'work in progress' I witnessed was that CD collection, which achieved remarkable growth the very years my friends and I suffered dwindling inventories.

"Dennis would often say, 'I'm a hot property,'" added Samuels, who insists she's not bitter. "He had a way of confusing himself with his capital."

At least one analyst predicts seismic ramifications from the union. E. Hef Hutton male manager Johnny Rose sees the Regular Joe Average soaring to record heights. "The merger is proof positive that if you're a man and you're breathing, you're gold," he said.

For females, the lookout is less than rosy. The Plain Jane Index has sagged steadily since the rumor mill started running. Said Bert & Ruby's Ruby: "If this is the best a Lovely Laura can acquire, oh how I pity the Simple Sally."

Dennis Hans is a writer whose stock is rising.