DURST: Packing List for the RNC

* Inflatable steel reinforced vest in case I get stopped by Philly police for motor violation.

* "How To Speak Texican" airport book to figure out what the hell George W's Texas Ranger security detail is saying.

* Three dozen yellow roses for Barbara Bush.

* Bandanna soaked in eye wash for walk to protest pit.

* Cell phone with three backup batteries and little wire so I can look like a homeless guy talking to myself.

* One copy of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" for Dan Quayle.

* One copy of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" for self to read during slow parts. Also a copy of "Remembrances of Things Past" and "War and Peace" and entire Edward Rutherford collection.

* Palm Pilot VII set up for wireless Internet connection to check email hourly.

* White shoes and belt.

* Two packages each of Tums and Rolaids to follow up taste test tour of cheesesteak shops.

* Scaffolding in case I get conscripted to groom Ted Koppel's hair.

* Snake bite serum.

* Earplugs in case I get caught on elevator with Chris Mathews or Rush Limbaugh.

* Viagra to wave at Bob and Elizabeth Dole.

* "Republicans Do It On Top" t-shirt.

* Portable personal espresso machine as feeble attempt to stay awake.

Will Durst is going to need a bigger bag.