From the Dept. of Bright Ideas: Youth Pastor Offers Assault Weapons to Godly Teens

Bob Ross

Youth Director

Windsor Hills Baptist Church

Dear Dr. Ross,

I've tried to resist writing you, but strange and intense feelings are gathering energy somewhere deep inside me. I fear that I'll explode in a embarrassing display of emotion if i don't find relief by blurting out the words that have been haunting my mind since I first saw your picture.

Your tan is outstanding. It is easily an 11 on the George Hamilton scale of traditionally-approved skin hues. I am in awe of your tanning skills. You're truly an artist in the medium of melatonin, a veritable Picasso of pigmentation.

And then there is your hair. So full, so high, so white. It rises from your head like Mt McKinley; its snowy reaches brushing against heaven's floor, reflecting light as if polished by angels. It is absolutely stunning.

You are, indeed, a very handsome man.

For most youth pastors, that, and a command of the hip language of our youth, would be enough. But you bring so much more. You bring a special knowledge of what teens desire most of all.