Elian Case Shows Struggles of Single Fathers

The dismissive treatment of fathers' rights by Florida's Cuban community and much of the media in the Elian Gonzalez case revealed once again the low standing that fathers, and single fathers in particular, have in America today. Few reporters attempted to emphasize Juan Miguel Gonzalez's anguish over the safety of his son, his sense of loneliness and sadness over the separation, and his feeling of helplessness as enormous forces threatened to irreparably destroy the father-child bond. Ironically, this insensitivity comes at time when the importance of single fatherhood has never been more evident in this country.

Today, a quiet but thoroughly monumental revolution is taking place in the American family. The number of fathers solely responsible for the care of their children is growing at a rate almost twice that of single mothers. Fully one-fifth of single parents today are single fathers -- more than 2 million of them. This is up from 1970, when single mother families comprised approximately 90 percent of the single family population. Among minorities, the rate of increase is as high, or higher: between 1970-1995, the rate of African-American single dads increased 329 percent; for Hispanic single fathers, 450 percent. And though the media almost always focus on mothers when portraying working single parents, nearly 30 percent of working single parents are now men.

Why is this change occurring now? In many respects, because it had to. The startling failure rate of American marriages, with more than half now ending in divorce, means an equally startling rise in the number of new single parents. That a large number of these would turn out to be fathers is perhaps due to some law of averages, but research shows that it has much to do with the changing nature of family and nurturing in this country. With more women in the workplace than ever before -- 68 percent of women with children under 18 -- divorce courts in most states are not simply awarding custody and care of children to mothers by default, as they have in the past. In some cases, the mother has neither the time, nor the will, to care full time for her offspring. Ironically, the gradual progress towards leveling the playing field for women at work has resulted in slowly leveling the playing field at home. Urged for years to take more of a hands-on role within their marraiges, many fathers have done just that. More men than ever are acting as stay-at-home dads -- as many as 2 million of them, surveys show. And it's changing the way they act after their marriages end.

In addition, stricter child support laws and a growing volume of articles, films, and books about "deadbeat" dads have shamed some men into being better fathers. For others, a growing body of research showing the importance of dads in their children's lives has served as timely inspiration. But in the end, the main reason this revolution is happening is because, for the first time in generations, fathers are making it happen.

"I was raised by my mom, and later on my stepfather, and I always wondered why my dad didn't come around," says Ezra 'Sly' Hunter, a 38-year-old San Francisco tour boat captain and high school basketball coach with custody of three daughters 11, 8 and 7. "As a kid I used to think, it's because of me. He's not coming around because I'm inadequate or something -- he doesn't like me, he doesn't love me. Later, my mom and I talked about it and she said, 'well, I didn't want him coming around.' And I said, 'I don't give a shit what you say, you couldn't keep me away from my kids. I'm going to see my kids.' I can't understand someone who doesn't feel like that."

Like Ezra Hunter, interviewed for the book Loving On Our Own: The Joys and Challenges of Fatherhood After Divorce," more and more men are appreciating a world beyond work and public success which they have traditionally used to define their life's purpose -- the world of toothless smiles and gravity-defying first steps, clingy hugs, a new color mixed, a shoelace tied, a pretty dress or pair of pants put on right, an egg cracked cleanly in two. A recent Gallup Poll found that a majority of American men -- 59 percent -- derive a greater sense of satisfaction from caring for their family than from a job well done at work. For many men this satisfaction is what helps them transcend the loss of a mate, or makes oftentimes searing custody battles worth fighting.