The Young Radical's Guide

By Kathleen Haley, City on a Hill Press. Posted May 1, 2000.

I've observed lately that my leftist political views are not keeping up with the times. After the radical chic routinely dismiss me in the assumption -- "She's a nice person, that must mean she's repressed" -- they then try to educate me how to be as "cutting edge" as they are. Not wanting to be left out of the revolution, I've taken some notes from my superiors in political savvy. I will now present to you, the aspiring student radical, the comprehensive guide to the latest leftist styles.

To begin with, you must change your writing and speaking style to make it reflect how "life really is." Gender non-specificity and the whole "he/she or she/he" thing is out -- sexist language is making a comeback this year. True radicals know it's so much more subversive to throw around words like "bitch," "whore," and the time honored "slut," in a nonchalant way. It's beside the point that few people have gotten to the point where they actually speak in the anti-sexist way they write -- you need to relax and view these words ironically. The best way to cop this "I'm above misogynist language" attitude, is to drop these words in social settings as often as you can. Being able to talk like this, whether you are male or female, shows you haven't been repressed by insidious political correctness.

And you'll be pleased to know reducing people to their sexuality isn't just for women anymore! This is the 21st century -- the sexual revolution started over 30 years ago. People have been having sex for at least three decades, and now that we can talk about it, men are defending sexist behavior as just part of their needs. Don't repress yourself. If you're a male radical student you should repeat, "I want to get laid," as much as possible. This works especially well if you're around a lot of women. And you, activist ladies, should appreciate such honesty. We've finally reached a point where people are totally comfortable being real about sex. This is the post-sexual revolution -- men are supposed to act like dicks.

Just as there are hot new trends in sexual representation, there are fresh new frontiers in racial attitudes as well. While it's been gaining popularity over the past few years, the trend of white people listening to gangsta rap is growing stronger than even before. You can always find music about violence and pussy from musicians of all races. It's the most universal art form. But white leftists have tired of hearing white male musicians sing about getting laid and getting into fights. Never mind the fact that there is a hip-hop renaissance going on right now that is incredibly inclusive and non-sexist; the hip, radical thing to do is buy violent albums.

When you listen to your new CDs, you feel so sexy that you almost forget you're from Eureka CA. You can tell your white friends, "This music is real, you know? This is how people live." Of course, these new takes on race are being seen from the perspective of white people. But people of color would have to agree that these ideas are so much more liberating to them than political correctness which repressed people from talking about race.

But remember this is a touchy issue. Some people will try to tell you that your identifying with these albums as "real" objectifies and patronizes people of color. They might even go so far as to say that you are characterizing people of color broadly as violent and misogynistic. Let these people know they're politically correct Nazis -- and don't forget to throw in a few revolutionary cuss words.

Speaking of cussing, no revolution is complete without it. If you are someone known to be friendly and haven't fully affected your sneer yet, it will be a little more difficult to pull this look off. Just like putting on hard to apply make-up, practice your politically aggravated look in the mirror. You must cuss until you look natural doing so. And don't forget to work on your tone as you repeat the word "fuck."

It is especially appropriate to use this word in response when those pretentious wannabe leftists tell you that it lost its revolutionary meaning years ago. You know better -- writing and speaking without saying "fuck" at least once a sentence shows that you are a victim to the Man. Your mind has been controlled by society baby if you don't know that "Fuck Shit Up!" is the phrase of the revolution.

So there you have it -- you now have the tools to succeed in any radical social setting. Get out of the fucking house and try these new skills on for size, you sexy political bitch. Make some signs for the rally tonight and fuck some shit up for me. Don't forget to get laid after the protest.

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