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Durst: You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This

Political comic Will Durst dissects the statements, and state of mind, of some of America's public figures, and considers the effect on our national psyche of the absence of someone to hate.
 
 
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LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, THE HOME OF THE HARDEST EYES ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. AND THOSE ARE THE KIDS--You can't make stuff up like this. * Sonny Bono says Americans can't stomach all the sex and violence in the entertainment industry today. That may be true, but only because our gastrointestinal tolerance was broken by his solo albums in the 70's. * Air Force Captain Scott O'Grady was congratulated by Clinton for surviving a plane crash and extensive enemy fire. Considering the setting was the White House, this was a ceremony with an irony factor of 12. * Hillary Clinton is urging kids not to engage in premarital sex. Unless they plan on becoming President that is. * Mickey Mantle walked for the first time in a week. Then, he doubled up the right field gap and stole third. Just have to hope his liver donor wasn't David Crosby. * When Kato Kaelin makes out his 1040, under "dependent" is he required by law to mark, YES? * A chemical in a cat's brain could turn out to be a cure for insomnia in humans. It'd serve us right, if the chemical could only be produced by hocking up fur balls three hours a day. * Mary Ann Gerchas, who was scheduled to be a defense witness in the OJ case pleaded guilty to fraud charges and faces up to six years in jail. So it's a toss up as to whether she could still testify. * The good news for the President's re-election campaign is that the ad guys will be able to showcase all of Clinton's accomplishments in a thirty second spot. Will Durst can be e-mailed at bighead@eworld.com MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE THE OPERATING PHILOSOPHY IS DON'T ROCK THE BOAT. WHAT THEY DON'T BOTHER TO TELL YOU IS THERE IS NO WATER IN THE POND--The biggest problem America has right now is there's no one left to hate. The Soviets are the good guys now. When the hell did that happen? When I was a kid; Russians were bad, red meat was good, now its all turned around. C'mon, you can't be a Superpower without a Superenemy. Subtract Lex Luthor, and Superman is a freak in a cape and tights. With abnormally good vision, but that's it. We're a big old country, we got to leverage our enmity against somebody. For 40 years, we've feasted off the bountiful banquet of the Evil Empire; What's left? Qaadafi, Hussein, Aideed, Cedras; tiny little h'or d'oeuvres. Cheez Whiz on Ritz. We're like junkies used to mainlining speed trying to get by on De-Caf. Just a wee bit cranky, and consuming many sucrose products. I know what you're saying, "But Durst the richest country in the world can do anything it wants." To that I say, leave Japan out of this. They can't be the bad guys. How can you hate anyone who makes a car whose door shuts that tight. You can't hate the French. Everybody hates the French. The French hate the French. You can't hate Canada. I mean you could try. But why? Its like working up a loathing for vanilla ice cream. After all, Canada is just a big Minnesota with a rail system. We need someone to hate. Nominations are being accepted by the Administration. Contact George Stephanopolous, AKA: the Spokesmuppet. Will Durst can be e-mailed at bighead@eworld.com