Durst: Miss America Gets PC

The organizers of the Miss America Pageant are hugging the middle of the road so tight, they're going to end up with squashed opossums on the white dotted lines down the center of the speed bumps they call foreheads. Last year they dumped high heels as a requirement for the swimsuit competition; now they're going to let viewers tell the participants whether they should wear the suits at all. No, it's not being telecast on Fox. During the 75th anniversary show in September, Americans will call a number and vote: swimsuit or no swimsuit; competition, that is. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. First, they score points with those pesky feminists, and they garner huge publicity by appearing sensitive, which should translate to bodacious ratings. Hey, c'mon, its called a BEAUTY PAGEANT. What, am I alone here? If these women know enough to spread Vaseline on their gums so their phony smiles last longer, they've got to be aware their thighs may be in play, and so far very few disgruntled contestants are knocking each other off with automatic weapons. Figure out what's wrong with that darn stress filled Post Office Pageant. Might help to give everyone the Miss Congeniality Award. Frequently. Will Durst chooses not to be seen in public in a bathing suit, due to his fear of the lawsuits his snowblinding calves would cause.