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If Cheney & Co. Had Really Plotted the 9/11 Attacks ...

Matt Taibbi's hilarious re-enactment of the secret govt. conspiracy (that never happened) to conduct the attacks.

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Cheney: What do you mean? But a plane crashes into the Pentagon. That's part of the plan.

Wolfowitz: Right, but since it's our plan and we can change it, why don't we just scuttle the entire Pentagon operation? We've already got the money shot with the Towers -- why do we need to go through all the trouble of finding hijackers who can't fly, nurturing them in the womb of ineffective government surveillance, getting them on a plane full of passengers, and then faking the deaths of all these people, telling the world they died in a plane crash that was actually a sinister attack using our own technology? I mean, so many things can go wrong. You've got to get people to sign off on the DNA reports, you've got eyewitnesses with weird stories, you've got inconsistent radar data, you've got to put stuff there for the dogs to find ...

Cheney: Don't worry about the dogs. We've got the dogs covered.

Wolfowitz: Oh, well, okay. But still -- why not just skip the whole thing?

Cheney: Are you suggesting that instead of executing hundreds of sinister, secretive, murderous sub-plans that all must go off flawlessly to together create a single underpublicized deception, that instead of that we just blow it off and go with the much larger and more spectacular World Trade Center event?

Wolfowitz: Right. Either that or find patsies who can fly.

Cheney: Hmm. Interesting. What do you guys think?

Feith: I don't know, Dick. It seems much easier just to go with the whole fake-the-flight, kill-the-passengers, fake-the-cell-phone-calls, pass-off-the-missile-attack-as-a-plane-crash thing. I can't think of any simpler way to do this plan than that.

Kristol: Yeah, Dick, frankly, neither can I. I like your plan better. It's so much more ... cloak n' daggerier!

Cheney: Well, it's settled, then. Paul, you cool?

Wolfowitz: Hey, I trust you guys, you know that. (the phone rings again)

Feith: I'll get it. (grabs phone) Hello? Oh, hey, Ted, what's up! (whispering, to everyone else) It's Ted Olson. (into phone) I'll put you on speaker, okay, Ted?

Olson: 'Sup, fellas!

Cheney: 'Sup, counselor! How goes it? Talked to George much lately?

Olson: As Governor Bush's attorney, you know I can't discuss that -- even with you assholes.(everyone laughs)

Cheney: Fair enough, What can we do you for, counselor?

Olson: Well, I don't mean to be a pest ...

Cheney: Speak up, speak up.

Olson: Well, a little birdie told me that you guys were planning on faking an airplane hijacking and shooting a drone into the Pentagon, blaming it all on Islamic terrorists!

Cheney: Sure are a lot of little birdies around these days!

Olson: I was just wondering if you could stick my wife on the plane you're thinking of hijacking.

Cheney: Barbara?

Olson: Right, Babs.

Cheney: That's no problem. Consider it done. But you've got to get her on the plane.

Olson: Shit, that won't be hard. I'll tell her I dropped a dollar in the other airport. She'll catch the first fucking flight.

Cheney: That's great. Hey, maybe, actually you could help us. After we take Babs to a military base and dispose of her fat body, can you tell the press that she called you, weeping, on her cell phone during the hijacking? It'll add verisimilitude to the whole thing.

Olson: You mean like, "Oh, my poor wife, she called me in those last dire minutes before those terrorist bastards took her life, blah blah blah," that sort of thing?

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