What We Might Hear If We Injected Spitzer (AKA Client #9) with Truth Serum

Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York, who became famous prosecuting Wall Street crooks, has been caught on a federal wiretap, making arrangements with a high-priced prostitute.

The pro, named Kristen, called her booker after her session with Eliot to confirm that all had gone well. She said she didn't find Spitzer "difficult," as some of the other girls had complained.

The booker replied to her that "Client 9," as Eliot was called, was known to ask the women "to do things that, like, you might not think were safe."

Aside from the kinky slap to his Mr. Clean reputation, Spitzer is also facing legal jeopardy, since, among other things, the feds are hitting him with the Mann Act, a 1910 prostitution law designed to crack down on interstate "white slavery."

Everyone would like to know how Spitzer got the money to pay an escort $4K an hour, and what government resources he might have used to meet with her, in secret. Bizarrely, Eliot used the name of one of his big donors, "George Fox," to book his rendezvous.

Yesterday, Spitzer and his wife appeared for one shaky minute before the press, where Spitzer said he was sorry, and that he had let down his family and his moral beliefs.

How unfortunate that this bust doesn't serve as a wakeup call to Eliot to realize his moral "beliefs" are full of it.

Only a few years ago, in 2004, Spitzer spoke "with revulsion" after announcing his arrest of eighteen people who ran an escort business out of Staten Island.

"This was a sophisticated and lucrative operation with a multi-tiered management structure," Mr. Spitzer sputtered at the time. "It was, however, nothing more than a prostitution ring."

And now, his critics and many of his supporters are asking for nothing less than his resignation.

Okay.

If we could give a truth serum to all the parties involved -- or wiretap their personal diaries -- here's what we might listen in on:

The $4,300 an Hour Prostitute:

Well, first of all, I got less than half of that, and my manicurist charges almost as much.

The Wife:

There's not a political wife alive who's been schtupped by her own husband in years. If you want a career as a high profile spouse, you can kiss your sex life goodbye.

The John/Governor:

Those sons of bitches. I know who did this, and I'll destroy them if it's the last thing I do.

The Escort Service Booker:

There's a couple dozen high end joints like us operating at any time to service the Pol crowd, and we just can't charge enough. Once they start ratting out each other, they'll mess us over so bad there'll be forty people filing bankruptcy as a result of their bullshit.

The John/Governor:

What? I'm a man. I'm a human being. You thought we could do this job sober and celibate? Bullshit. There's not one man in higher office today who's NOT a john, unless he's on Prozac or radiation therapy.

The Wife:

My policy influence, my privileges, it's all paid with this: public humiliation, the mockery of my sexual pride, the calculation of the material price of my abandonment. Don't ask me if it was worth it. I'm not ready to resign.

The John/Governor:

Why didn't I keep a nice vanilla girlfriend on the side? I would never do this kind of heavy play with my wife or any decent woman. Nobody gets this kind of scene for free, unless they're some kind of pervert sex freak activist. Yeah, I know those people voted for me, but I'm not one of them.

The Kids:

Dad didn't do this! They're lying. Dad's so uptight about sex, there is no way he would even take his clothes off in front of anyone.

The Corporate Criminals on Spitzer's Hit List:

Oh thank god, just in the nick of time. We told the RNC they had to do something about this maniac before he brought us all down. How much did it cost to run the sting?

John and Jane Q. Screwed Public:

We needed someone -- and we voted for someone -- to fight for us, and now he's gone and blown it all to hell.

Should prostitution be decriminalized?