The Rise and Fall of Artificial Organs

Artificiality may have become a reality of life, but does that mean we have to fill ours with it? We put Sweet 'N Low in our coffee, top it off with the oh-so-enticingly named coffee whitener, drool over breasts which have been pumped up with silicone and saline, and then have the nerve to name an imitation margarine -- which is artificiality twice removed -- "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." If there was any bite in the truth in advertising laws they'd be forced to name the stuff "I Can't Believe I Need a Chemistry Degree to Read The Label."So it should come as no surprise that doctors at the Impotence World Association (motto: "We want to get a rise out of you") are aiming for what may be the ultimate in artificial organs: penises and vaginas. They predict that within 25 years they'll be growing and harvesting them for implantation. And you thought driving down the road and seeing a corn field waving in the breeze was fun.Actually, they won't be growing them in the dirt. They would but they'd be leaving themselves open to too many obvious jokes. They will, however, be raising them in a lab. On plastic molds. Possibly attached to a mouse's back. I know, sounds weird, but I once saw a picture of this. Okay, it wasn't genitals they were growing, it was an ear. But it was growing out of the mouse's back.It was a few years ago. Some scientists at the University of Massachusetts did it as a part of their hazing for a fraternity. Just kidding. Actually it was their penance for not being accepted to MIT. What they did was build an ear-shaped structure out of porous, biodegradable polyester. Once they realized there wasn't a Nobel prize for recycling old disco shirts they figured they might as well sprinkle it with human cartilage cells. Then they implanted it on the back of an unsuspecting mouse and waited until it was fully grown so they could harvest it and sell it to Green Giant. Kidding again. Actually it was Birdseye. The reason they grew the Mouse-Kit-Ear-brand body part replacement is that they needed something to sew on boys' heads after their ears got chewed off in playground fights. This is true. Apparently it happens more than we realize, which either points up the increasingly violent nature of boys' play, the rise in popularity of Van Gogh as a role model, or the inadequacy of the school lunch program. Once they perfected ears they moved on to livers, skin, heart valves, tendons, intestines, blood vessels, and even breast tissue. At that point they had to take the plunge into sex organs. In a manner of speaking.Experts say more than 80 million men and women in the United States suffer from impotency and, contrary to what Bob Dole would like you to believe -- wink, wink -- Viagra just doesn't always cut the mustard. There are those who have missing, nonfunctional, or inadequate sex organs. There are some that want your basic sex-change operation. And there are others that have either had theirs cut off or snatched.Quit giggling, penis snatching is a major problem. Okay, not in the United States perhaps, but in Ghana it is. Apparently petty thieves, not content with just snatching purses have...nah, even I can't continue that one. The truth is that sorcerers in Ghana have come up with a scam called penis snatching where they cast a spell on a man, telling him his penis will shrink or disappear unless he pays to have the spell reversed. Medical experts have gone on TV to explain why penises enlarge and contract ("I'm not really a penis expert, but I play one on TV") but that hasn't stopped angry mobs from taking matters into their own hands. So to speak. Dozens of sorcerers have been lynched, though news stories aren't saying which body part they were strung up by.If artificially grown sex organs do become a reality there's little question they'll be popular. After all, who wouldn't want to be able to look in a display case or flip through a catalog and order a replacement in the exact size and shape you've always wanted? I sure hope the women of the world are ready for this technological advance because you know there isn't a man alive who, when asked which one he wants won't say, "Super size it!"While these scientists may think they've come up with something brand new, the truth is this medical feat was predicted years ago. Not by some futurist. Nor Nostradamus. Not even by one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends. No, it was predicted by the band King Missile in their song "Detachable Penis." In it the singer told of waking up after a night of debauchery only to discover that his was missing. He couldn't remember where he left it but was lucky enough to find it being peddled on the street while on the way to eat breakfast. I love a song with a happy ending.We need to heed this. While artificial genitals sound like a wonderful idea, like every new technology it will have its pitfalls. The car was a great invention but it brought us car crashes, death, and pollution. Television was a wonderful discovery but it spawned La-Z-Boy recliners, TV dinners, and "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," the quiz show which should ask the question, "Whatever Happened to Punctuation? And if we're not careful, the rise of artificial sex organs will bring us Calvin Klein designer penises (in this season's colors, of course), the Gap vaginas, and infomercials for Jenny-tals"!, which will be available in McCarthy, Jones, and Love Hewitt models. Come to think of it, that might not be so bad after all.