Merry Friggin' War on Xmas!

A merry Christmas to all of our observant Christian readers. And a happy, boozy day off for everyone else; indulge in a bit of crass commercialism and enjoy some nice fatty foods.

I personally woke up at the crack of dawn this morning and padded downstairs in my jammies to see what Santa had brought me. Sadly, just like last year, it was some mass-media crap. (Why, Santa, why?)

The culprit this morning was a decidedly fluffy CNN offering, with some insightful analysis about the true meaning of the season.

First up, a segment with Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping. For New Yorkers, the reverend is a legend, but for those who aren't in the know, Billy's a showman whose message is simple: he preaches that Americans should ease off the consumerism a bit. Buy a little less, use a little less, create a little less waste and run up a little less debt.

Billy's a character, no question, and low-hanging fruit for a bit of mainstream marginalization, but CNN really went above and beyond by putting together a remarkably nasty little hit-job.It consisted of shots of Billy in Times Square literally screaming at harried tourists to stop shopping. That was fleshed out with a series of soundbytes from … brain-dead zombies people on the street expressing shock and disbelief that anyone would even think that American consumption may be excessive. The requisite random European right-winger saying 'it's nonsense; you yanks do industry and commerce better than anyone in the world' was a priceless touch. Meta message: the idea that the spirit of the holiday season might exist separate from the compulsion to run up a boatload of credit card debt in a frenzy of mindless consumerism is craaaaaazy.

Then, a program exploring pressing theological questions. CNN promised a rigorous debate:

CNN's Roland Martin hosts a holiday edition of "What Would Jesus Really Do?" as he takes a look at the presidential political landscape to ponder how Jesus Christ might respond.

Martin turns to a star panel of theologians and the Best Political Team in Television to apply the question to the war in Iraq, gay rights, immigration, abortion, healthcare, the economy and more.

Here's a very rough transcript (I hadn't had my coffee yet) of the segment I saw:

Martin: We have with us two esteemed guests, Blah Blah, from the Institute of Ineffectual Lefties of Faith, and Blah Blah, of the Center for Corporatist Religious Frontery, and the question, gentleman, is this: Social Security: would Jesus Privatize it?

They then cut to the simpering liberal, and, get this, a time-clock with exactly 20 seconds appeared on the screen. That's right, not only did they have to explore the theological evidence for how an Aramean Jew who wandered the desert 2,000 years ago would vote on Social Security privatization, but they each got just 20 seconds to make their respective cases.

Pasty-faced Milquetoast Liberal: Well, Roland, of course Jesus would have opposed Social Security privatization because … mumble mumble … loaves and fishes … something about the Catholic Church in the 16th century …

Martin: That's all -- time's up. You disagree?

Snarling, Religious Right Buffoon: Well, of course Jesus would favor privatizing Social Security because he said that you have to honor your family, so only widows and orphans -- you know, people without any families -- should get Social Security.

Martin: Well, at least we can all agree that both sides have done a horrible job addressing this pressing crisis …

Pasty-faced Milquetoast Liberal and Snarling, Religious Right Buffoon [in unison]: Well, yes, of course, a pox on both their houses.

That was all I could take from the "Best Political Team in Television" -- talk about setting a low bar! -- and I figured I'd seek relief in the sweet embrace of the alternative media. But that didn't help; all I found in that stocking was a lump of coal, courtesy of one John Ridley on the Huffington Post:

He was America's first born again president. He was deacon of a Baptist church that -- during his bid for presidency -- he had to sever his membership with because they would not allow blacks to become members.

Shades of Huckabee.

Shades of Romney.

But I'm talking about Jimmy Carter who was then, as he remains now, a hero of the liberal fringe. The far left has no problem with Carter's faith, and never feared that he would be more of a theologian than politician.

And yet…

Hmmm. What could be coming? I'm sure it won't be a tale of liberal hypocrisy.

Huckabee runs a Christmas-themed ad. The liberals see a floating cross, and believe that alone make [sic] the man unfit to be president. Instead, I think that makes some on the far left too paranoid to trust with a vote.

That's right. They're liberal and they liked Jimmy Carter -- take away their damn votes!