All I Want for Christmas Is a Shot of Paralyzing Toxins to the Forehead

By Leslie Goldman, Huffington Post. Posted December 18, 2007.

Want to give the breast holiday present ever?

How about the gift that keeps on giving: Plastic surgery!

We've all heard about high schoolers begging for -- and getting -- nose jobs for graduation or sugar daddies funding their girlfriends' lunchtime lipo, but now, just in time for Christmas, you can give the one you love a BOTOX® Cosmetic (Botulinum Toxin Type A) gift card. Just wait until you see the (lack of) expression on her face when she unwraps what she thinks is a $50 Bed, Bath & Beyond gift certificate but is actually the pathway to three-to-six months of eternal youth.

"Dear Journalist," the press release addressed to me read, "For your Holiday Gift Guide, please consider a story about taking the stress out of finding the perfect holiday gift! A recent international survey found that 52% of women 'of a certain age' would like to receive cosmetic injectables as a gift, which begs the question ... how do you wrap it?"

(This email came to me in response to a request I put out for "fitness-related gift guide ideas for young women, from soy candles to the hottest running shoes." So the fact that a PR agent translated my query into a plastic surgery inquest just tickles me. But I'm glad he did because now, I know what to get my notoriously hard-to-buy-for best friend with totally unsightly crow's feet.)

To the rescue are doctors' offices now selling gift cards for physician-administered aesthetic treatments, including BOTOX® Cosmetic, JUVÉDERM™ dermal fillers, laser treatments and facials. The cost pretty much rules it out as a Secret Santa gift, but here's a quick breakdown of the price: The average BOTOX treatment for vertical frown lines (those little monsters that furrow in deep between your eyebrows) is $300 to $500. The effects of the treatment can last up to four months. So for just $3-$5 per day, you're giving the gift of baby-smooth skin ... for cheaper than a daily Peppermint White Mocha Latte from Starbucks.

If BOTOX is so last year for your group of friends, why not try JUVÉDERM, a type of hyaluronic acid dermal filler? As my (now favorite) press release cheerfully chirps, "...the gift of JUVÉDERM™ will keep on giving because it's the only HA dermal filler currently FDA approved to last up to one year! Much better than a fruitcake!" I love whoever wrote this.

If it's you who is interested in a little December nip/tuck but all this holiday shopping has you maxing out your credit cards, GE has an interesting option for you: Put your next cosmetic surgical procedure on their CareCredit card. CareCredit is meant to be used specifically for health and beauty needs (teeth whitening, lipo, LASIK) and is exclusively endorsed by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons and the American Society for Dermatologic Surgery. Low minimum monthly payment options, no up-front costs, no prepayment penalties and no annual fees mean you can get to the laser hair removal center faster than ever before. Zip, zap, swipe.

Back to that glorious fruitcake reference ... You know what's REALLY much better than a fruitcake? Boobs. New boobs. Free new boobs.

Enter the most innovative gift-giving service to never be featured on Oprah's "Favorite Things" episode: MyFreeImplants.com.

Here's how it works: Any woman who is DSC (Desperately Seeking Cleavage) can sign up with MyFreeImplants.com, where they set up a personal profile with info such as their name, bio, physical attributes like eye/hair color, height and weight, etc., as well as personal cosmetic surgery goals. Oh, and an unlimited number of pictures (touted by the web site as "one of the key components towards achieving your goals." Duh.) The woman can then start chatting online with and sending more customized photos to any number of "benefactors." These are simply well-meaning, altruistic men who want nothing more than to help complete and total strangers "improve their self esteem and confidence" by financing their surgery.

Benefactors (I never knew that word could sound so creepy) can send women like "Cheyenne" and "Sexy Lynne" financial credits in several denominations, starting at $1.20 (this can be done via direct donation or as a message). Slowly, $2 by $2, women watch their bank accounts balloon up in a metaphorical foreshadowing of breast augmentation to come.

I've heard of this web site before and have even chatted with the founder for a story I was working on. Apparently, the donors pull through in the clutch...and can you imagine a more picture-perfect Christmas morning reaction than the following (from the site's Testimonials page):

ONLY $29 to go to reach 6k!!!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!

by LindseLiCiOus on Fri., Nov 30th at 1:13pm

"I am about to FAINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM REACHING MY GOAL!!!!!!!!! OMG!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I won't say who you are bc I don't want other girls tryin to steal you but THANK YOU!!! AMAZING!!!!!!! I MAY REACH MY GOAL TODAY!?!?!?!?!!? AHH!!H!!!!!! OMG THAT WOULD MAKE MY WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Give me reason to celebrate!! Wanna help make my dreams come true????????????

**ADD ME FOR A FREE VIDEO!!

**WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(Note: Exclamation points are LindseLiCiOus's, not mine)

The message is accompanied by a self-portrait of LindseLiCiOus, taken in a bathroom mirror while wearing some sort of blue cami/thong combo. That's the kind of smile money just can't buy ... oh, wait.

              

See more stories tagged with: plastic surgery, botox, breast implant

Liked this story? Get top stories in your inbox each week from AlterNet! Sign up now »