The Top Ten Ways to Identify An Evangelical Republican

This post, written by Daniel DiRito, originally appeared on The All Spin Zone

Now that Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee have defined faith for us, the following is my offering to assist voters in determining how to qualify for entry into the GOP’s evangelical enclave.

In the aftermath of a week of bully pulpit ballyhoo from the GOP presidential candidates, I decided to address my disdain in the only manner which would allow me to stomach the subject…sarcasm.

Having watched Mitt Romney tell us the meaning of faith in America and listened to Mike Huckabee toss tactical banana peels at the Bostonian’s (former Massachusetts liberal) forever flip-flopping feet, I found myself wondering which candidate would soon be sporting a wooden cross on his shoulder for the duration of the campaign.

Fortunately, there may well be a silver lining hidden in these holier than thou hijinks. By the time the GOP is done vetting it’s candidates, the average fair minded American may find them to be far too extreme and far too beholding to their religious right-ocrites. We’ve all heard the expression “if you live by the sword, you die by the sword”…well…2008 may provide a worthy successor, “if you live by the lord, you die by the lord”…especially when you spend all of your time fighting about which lord to worship.

Moving on, the following is my offering to assist voters in determining if they qualify for entry into the GOP’s evangelical enclave. Feel free to offer additional requirements and restrictions. I would hate to be accused of an act of omission…I’ve heard the punishment is ghastly…if you’re not George Bush or an acceptable affiliate.

The Top Ten Ways To Identify An Evangelical Republican:

Number Ten:

They’re opposed to sectarian conflict in Iraq but in favor of sectarian politics in the United States.

Number Nine:

They’re opposed to homosexuality and same-sex relationships but they’ll vote for a presidential candidate who does drag and lived with two gay men if he can beat Hillary Clinton and her “typically” unfaithful heterosexual husband.