News & Politics

DURST: The Great Republican Stronghold

A funny and ficticious account of Bob Dole addressing a Clown Convention.
"Thank you Larry Harmon. It's a thrill to preside over the opening of the annual Clown Convention here in the great Republican stronghold of El Paso, Texas. What's that? Oh, Berkeley, California. Explains why the Mexican food was so bad in the motel this morning. Sprouts in a burrito, there ought to be a law.I want to thank all of you for coming today... tonight. Worked with a lot of clowns in my time, although, addressing a group that earns their living at it is a first. The liberal media elite might say a crowd of 40 isn't big, but to me it's plenty and I refuse to believe their bleating that we're out of it. We're out of it. We're out of it; they said the same about that New York team after game two of the World Series, and the Highlanders came back to win the whole shebang. And so will we.Now I know you're asking. 'Bob, how can you make up 20 points in a week'... it was a rhetorical question sir. The answer is easy, we're going to give a wake up call to the American people. The Japanese were right. They're lazy and stupid. Oh, you can honk your noses all you want, but I can only think of one reason they insist on ignoring the facts: Bill Clinton has them all hypnotized. Well, he's not the only one who can play that game. Everyone, look closely at my watch, you're getting sleepy. Sleepy. Damn, I dropped it off the edge of the stage. I'll just lean over and ... aaaiiiieeeee!!!!"Will Durst thinks we all could use some Vivarin.