News & Politics
DURST: You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This
March 31, 2000
* Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that if a judge ruled Elian Gonzales should be sliced in half with both Miami and Cuba receiving equal portions, both parties would scramble over their mothers in baseball cleats to sign the custody agreement?* Al Gore keeps trying to distance himself from Clinton while insisiting on partial credit for the booming economy. Sounds like the typical divorced guy who just can't give up those juicy conjugal visits.* Rumors are circulating that Quayle's people have sounded out George W's people about the VP slot on the Republican ticket. Not a bad idea especially if they're trying to save money. Could recycle two sets of pins and bumper stickers. Besides, I'm sure we comedians and editorial cartoonists wouldn't mind chipping in a couple of bucks. Call it a tithe.* Some people say Bill Bradley lost because he lacked personal warmth. We're talking about a guy running against Al Gore. How do you lose a personality contest with the Tin Man. That's like losing a tango competition to an oil rig.*Gore's answer in the face of his history of fund raising problems: "Mistakes were made, and its time to move on." What I want to know is, who couldn't use that logic? Manson? Dahmer? Hitler? Hinckley wouldn't even have to couch it in the plural.Admittedly, Will Durst has to pluralize as well.