Independent Women Can Choose to 'Date Down'

Remember when choosing a mate was easy? You and I weren't alive then, of course, but back in the day -- way back -- when humans were just starting out, our needs were simple. All a man needed was a fertile female; all a woman needed was a genetically fit male who could provide her with resources while she carried out the metabolically expensive task of carrying, birthing, and raising offspring (we've always been the more complicated gender). His politics, his taste in music, his values -- none of those things mattered; everything was streamlined. I'll make babies, you keep me alive. Done deal.

As I'm sure you've noticed, a lot has changed in the last 10,000 years. You know, we talk now; we've industrialized; we use birth control. Human life is a whole new ballgame these days. One clear sign of this change may be the fact that there are more and more couples out there who seem to reverse this deeply ingrained relationship pattern. Think Britney and Kevin, or Ashley Judd and her NASCAR racing hubby Dario Franchitti (for real -- note that this headline actually says, "Ashley Judd's Husband wins blah blah blah..." -- not his own name!). Or, if you like your relationships fictional, Miranda Hobbes and Steve Brady on "Sex and the City," Lloyd Dobler and Diane Court in "Say Anything," Will Hunting in his janitor phase and that Skylar chick played by Minnie Driver in "Good Will Hunting."

It makes sense, of course, that relationships like these are cropping up more and more these days. Women are kicking some serious ass when it comes to education and accomplishment. Women are, for example, outnumbering men on more and more college campuses, and in many schools they outperform men. In time, this pattern may tip scales in the working world and beyond, but even now, we've got the cultural upper hand.

Despite all this great progress, though, old habits die-hard -- our gender's preference for hooked-up men seems to linger: one American study found that women still pay more attention to ambition, education, and earning capacity in a mate than men do (appropriately, men still care primarily about physical signs of fecundity).

Now, this preference isn't necessarily a bad one to hold on to -- in some sense, it now translates into our seeking mates who are our equals, rather than our masters (and as my friend's mother always says, "it's just as easy to love a rich man!"). One might wonder, though, how the dating landscape appears differently without these (potentially) unnecessary blinders -- is it foolish not to restrict one's search to men with status, or are we overlooking great contenders based on an anachronistic partiality? The answer, of course, is that it depends what you're really looking for.

From Gatherers to Hunters

There is a certain dating personality I call the Diamond Hunter. There's probably a streak of it in every woman -- hunting amounts to that quest not for actual jewels and gems (that's Gold Digging) but the more elusive (and rewarding) Diamond in the Rough. You know the men I mean -- that guy who seems ordinary but is secretly superb beneath his rough exterior. We all may harbor secret hope that one may fall into our laps, but the dating records of some women suggest they are on the active lookout for such diamonds.

True Hunters are often smart, successful women. Paige, for example, was working on her third higher degree at the age of 25 when I met her. In the three years we were in school together, she dated a guy who worked in a florist shop and hadn't finished college, an aspiring artist (and, OK, one guy who was in law school, but they broke up, too). Emily, another Hunter, spent her first two years at an Ivy League university dating a construction worker. Even after that relationship fell apart, her tastes strayed toward slacker-types (such as could be found at an institution like ours), and her one relationship with a Mr. Seemingly Perfect (seriously, this kid was exactly the kind of guy that any young 20-something would kill to meet) fell apart because ... they were incompatible. ("I knew he was a good catch," she admits, "but I just don't think we would have worked in the long run.") Jane, meanwhile, another multi-degree-holding wonder woman, left behind an artist cum barrista boyfriend to attend grad school, and a bartender boyfriend after that so she could work for an NGO in Southeast Asia.