Freaky Fridays

By Sex Goddess, WireTap. Posted September 8, 2006.

Dear SG,

I have been exploring gender and sexuality lately, and I find I am, to my surprise, both girl AND boy -- wow, how unbelievably amazing! But then I also find that line -- where an inward understanding of both genders blends with my outward single gender. I look at myself and I have no desire to be outwardly trans. So, I guess, now that I make more sense to myself, how do I communicate this in an honest way so that the world makes sense of me this way as well? And is this important? If I just let this realization seep in around the edges of my personality, as it has already done -- in fact, it was there way before I recognized it in myself -- is that a lie? But then, it seems to me almost every concrete presentation of our sexuality is a sort of lie, because it changes just as we do, constantly. I guess I just want some reassurance that I am not co-opting anyone's movement by being open about my experience of identifying with both genders and becoming even more comfortable, through this acceptance of myself, in the body I have.

-XX/XY

Dear Evolved Being,

What an exciting concern -- the Sex Goddess is definitely of the belief that sexuality and gender flow on a continuum, not all this pink and blue wazoo. Traditional leaders of the Navajo speak easily of being equally male and female, and of the balance necessary to walk a righteous path in the world. In the organizing universe, I contend that gender imbalance causes more issues than any other form of internalized oppression. Which is to say -- knowing yourself can never be a lie. Seeking balance within yourself of all that you are is actually planting seeds for your great Truth of identity to emerge. Labels, which exist mostly for other people, may or may not apply to you right now. Down the line you may fall more solidly in some spot and want to name it. But naming is a Western habit, and you can kick it.

SG

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Dear SG,

I think I am obsessed with my boyfriend. I am a feminist, we're open, I travel, we live in different places, we give each other the air of independence. But I don't feel it ... I am constantly searching for his affection, I feel this desperation for his attention. I know he feels it, I'm like his loving curse. I love him -- how do I stave off this hunger?

The Needy One

Dear Needy,

The Sex Goddess has been thinking about this a lot lately actually. The current theory I have is that there is need and then greed. They are often confused, and need is given a bad rap. When you are in a dedicated loving affair, need makes sense. But the constant demand for his attention is actually not about him ... you, after all, aren't giving him attention. You are thinking about yourself. Your desperation is general, not personal to him. You need to do some work in your heart, meditate on what sort of independence you could work on in yourself to make your love a gift and not a curse. Remember, the only person who could possibly be thinking about you all the time is you ... and even that is hopefully a phase.

SG

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Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to … do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Click here to access all of SG's sex and relationships wisdom.

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