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A Mother Adopts, and Discovers Her Own Racism

By Lisa Lerner, ColorLines. Posted August 21, 2006.


A white mother who adopts a baby from India confronts her shame that her child's skin is dark, and realizes she needs more diverse friends.

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When I was trying to decide who and from where to adopt, I had a lot of questions about transracial adoptions, and most people responded to my curiosity with a subtle discomfort. I felt embarrassed voicing possible concerns to my liberal friends, because all of us were adamant that race made no difference to our choice of friends, lovers, or tiny babies up for adoption. But in looking around at these friends, they all seemed a pretty tribal bunch: when it came time to make a family, in nearly every case, like colors had stuck together.

The first photo I received of Vaishali showed her with fair skin. I was surprised, because from what my adoption agency told me, the child assigned to me would be much darker. After I got over that surprise, I had another: I felt relief. Suddenly -- guiltily -- it was a comfort to know that she would not look so different from me, and even more important, that her light skin would save her from a lifetime of prejudice.

But ah, the magic of flashbulbs. A few months later I received several more photos and gaped at them in shock. The baby was much, much darker. Worried that the child to whom I had grown unbelievably attached had been given to some other family, I sent a bewildered email to my adoption agency in Maine which then made a bewildered phone call to their trusted social worker in India, who assured us that she had seen the child on many occasions and all the photos were of the same girl. Phew, I thought, as long as this little girl is the same one I have held in my heart for three months, she is my daughter and I am going to bring her home.

I flew to Bombay and became a mother. For the first week, my new daughter Vaishali clung to me, terrified, and I sacrificed eating, sleeping and bathing in the service of comforting her. Over and over, I told her: Mama is here. You are my baby.

Back home, after a couple weeks had passed, I stared at Vaishali's naked bottom -- her darkest part -- and tried to ignore the insistent whispers of fear. Instead of brimming with pride, I felt like a trespasser, performing ablutions on this private flesh with color so foreign from my own. It was one thing to swoon over her photographs for months, but now she was in my home; she was my family. How could this be my daughter? I looked at her and tried to find similarities between us, relieved that her hair was straight, her lips not too full. Just thinking these thoughts made me feel horribly ashamed. I tried to sort emotion from fact: was it the dark color of her skin that was making me uncomfortable, or just that she did not look like me? I ached to talk to someone about it, but I was too afraid people would disapprove, would doubt my ability to be a loving mother.

Worse, what if (since I had only been awarded guardianship and the adoption would not be final for another six months) some Indian official found out how I was feeling and took her back?

Finally, I got up the nerve to confide in a friend who has two biological children, both white, as well as an adopted Indian toddler with skin the same shade as Vaishali's. "After a while," she said, "you don't really see what your children look like. But every so often it's like returning to your home after a long vacation, and you can see it again for the very first time." Surprisingly, she confessed that one day she'd realized how dark her adopted daughter is and started comparing her to others: Is she lighter than that Black man mowing his lawn? Darker than that Indian woman at the mall? Once she'd said it aloud, I admitted that I had done the same thing, and it had shocked me. I adored this little girl, and every single day my heart pounded stronger with love. What was I so worried about?


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Lisa Lerner is the author of the novel Just Like Beauty.

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Why the fuss?
Posted by: aleef on Aug 21, 2006 12:54 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I found this story truly surprising. I cannot imagine worrying about a child's skin colour. Even biological parents and children can be dissimilar in surprising ways. It seems race and origin are obsessively important to Ms Lerner. You have to wonder why she adopted a child in the first place. The fact that she brought a child to her home from India shows that she's capable of crossing racial and geographical boundaries. If only she could apply this to her daily life with her new daughter.

Finally, I found it odd that Ms Lerner's infant daughter has a faith. Babies cannot be capitalists, marxists or Democrats, and neither can they be Hindus, Muslims or Jews. Ms Lerner should let her daughter find her own beliefs as all children should be able to.

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» RE: Why the fuss? Posted by: Aussie Kim
» RE: Why the fuss? Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: Why the fuss? Posted by: willymack
» RE: Why the fuss? Posted by: pitty
» RE: Why the fuss? Posted by: Aussie Kim
» RE: Why the fuss? Posted by: montman
» RE: Why the fuss? Posted by: mrgriff
» Who's a Self Important Creep? Posted by: abstractmachine
» RE: Why the fuss? Posted by: aleef
» RE: Why the fuss? Posted by: Xanzyl
A Racist World
Posted by: thinkverybig on Aug 21, 2006 1:03 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Goes to show how racist this world is and how white folks have dominated and controlled everything. But I can see the tide beginning to turn........

Stay tuned.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» RE: A Racist World Posted by: TT2
» Sadly... Posted by: Allison
» RE: Sadly... Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: A Racist World Posted by: Aussie Kim
» RE: A Racist World Posted by: wiyaka
Congratulations, Lisa Lerner.
Posted by: Colin on Aug 21, 2006 1:24 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
And I mean it. It may well be the case that there appears plenty of comments in which you are put before the whip on the grounds that you clearly aren't the least racist person in the world, but I can't bring myself to condemn you.

The fact that you have realised you have a slight 'problem', as it were, and then worked through it rationally and with the help of others, to my mind, makes you something of a role model. If only other people were so forthcoming about realising and dealing with their own uncomfortable secrets.

I'm no astrologer but if I were to make my predictions for the future I would say that the question of skin colour will become less and less relevant by the day until eventually you will not give a stuff. (And you will love the little one throughout.)

The important thing is that whilst you were in that in-between stage, you shared your input with others allowing them to see what you are learning. That's a big thing! Generally we are left to see nothing but the 'final product' as people work through their issues privately.

No-one is born perfect, we all have to work for it. The fact that you are writing down and submitting that learning process for the scrutiny of others should not be reprimanded. Hats off!

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problems
Posted by: rsaxto on Aug 21, 2006 2:06 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
These problems happen because we still live in a racist society both overt and subconscious. Even those of us who are not consciously racist still have racism in our subconscious which can burst out to conciousness at the strangest times. But this too shall pass as society finally grows up enough to cast off our freakish faults.

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» RE: problems Posted by: Colin
» RE: problems Posted by: rsaxto
jim cipp
Posted by: cipp on Aug 21, 2006 4:04 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I agree with "why the fuss." If you reallly love that child, than the child's skin color would not matter. It's sad and it's shameful that you needed to use this child to tell the world "look, see I'm not a racist."

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» RE: jim cipp Posted by: owleyes
» RE: jim cipp Posted by: Ouelle
Geez, guys....give the woman a break.
Posted by: rbohan on Aug 21, 2006 4:10 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Some of the posts above show that liberals can be every bit as moralistic and judgemental as any wingnut fundamentalist "Christian". She shares something with us that's obviously uncomfortable for her and what happens...why, a few liberals, who, I'm sure pride themselves on how open and inclusive they are, jump all over her.

Give it a rest, guys.

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Kudos for your Courage and Honesty
Posted by: maiaoming on Aug 21, 2006 5:48 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Anyone who has watched Stephen Colbert on the "Colbert Report" when he says "I don't see color; people tell me I'm white, I have no idea" realizes, as they laugh, that we DO see color. And a brief introduction to tribal politics will reveal that it's very, very human to make distinctions between ourselves and others based on external, physical features like skin color, eye color, size, stature, hair. In England, it's the accent. Whatever the element is, we humans make distinctions or discriminations based on things that have nothing to do with personality or love.

The fact that this author dared to bare herself as she has to a liberal audience - who are indeed tremendously self-righteous - is wonderful and deserving.

As a mother of a ten-month-old, I've noticed that so much of our family's talk about our child has to do with what she looks like - who she resembles more, what traits she's inherited, how her face is changing, will her hair straighten, etc. With an adopted child, whatever the similarity to the parents, the ability to indulge in that "she looks like me!" thrill is gone. The love that binds an adopted child to a parent must therefore be generated from the bonding relationship, not the genetic one.

Good luck with your beautiful daughter!!!

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new mothers
Posted by: sheena2u on Aug 21, 2006 6:27 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
New mothers tend to worry about all manner of silly things. Then they worry about themselves for thinking them. Its par for the course. Once you bond to and grow in love for the child all these things fall away, and only the love remains.

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"Looking Good" is bigger than skin color.
Posted by: Sojourner on Aug 21, 2006 6:44 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Unfortunately, yes, people associate distinctions of "good" and "bad" based on skin color. (In my family, we have just begun the process of adoption of a child from Asia and so appreciate the honest sharing here. Yeah, "family" means belonging, and even for birth children that's a complicated issue.)

Nothing is more stupid than judging someone for something over which they have no control. We think, say, and do lots of stupid things--being human and all--such as assuming that you can tell anything just by looking.

I was complimented by an older woman once for the brogans I was wearing. "My husband always said, you can trust a man who wears shoes like that." I couldn't contradict her, because that's one reason I was wearning them. But what a pile of horsepucky fashions are, yet "being fashionable" is intended as a compliment.

"Until the color of a man's skin is of no more significance than the color of his eyes, we shall not know peace." -- Haile Selassie.

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What a load of Bull
Posted by: Ouelle on Aug 21, 2006 7:03 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
"I chose to adopt from India because I felt a familial pull toward its people and its culture..."

Apparently the feeling wasn't very deep. This dumb-!#$ thinks she feels a "pull" because she admires bindis. Get a life.

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» RE: What a load of Bull Posted by: owleyes
» RE: What a load of Bull Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: What a load of Bull Posted by: owleyes
» RE: What a load of Bull Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: What a load of Bull Posted by: owleyes
» RE: What a load of Bull Posted by: cipp
Anyone claiming they're not a racist is a liar as well.
Posted by: VannaLaRoche on Aug 21, 2006 7:08 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Whenever I hear someone protest, "I'm not a racist! Not me!" I have to laugh.

The only honest thing for me to say is that I'm a racist, an ageist, a religionist, a sexist toward my own and the opposite sex, a demographicist (in my area it's all about what high school you went to), a somaticist (skinny or tubby? flabby or faux muscles? Real tits or not?), and also a hair-colorist and a fashionist. I'm a linguistic bigot: if you aren't well-spoken I'll deem you stupid. I'm also a vehiculist: I love that joke about cactuses and Porsches. I could be called a cell-phone bigot, too. I'm likely to think you're a downright murderous criminal type if I see your fat arm slabbed against the driver's-side window, propping up your latest banal conversation.

Bigotry is so easy, so natural!

No one ever gets any traction claiming they're free from prejudice and bigotry. That's why I support a nation of laws: human judgment and human character is flawed and always will be.

There will always be some hypocrites--and plenty of self-identified liberals among them--claiming a higher moral ground, implying that they themselves are completely clean-souled. Anyone who criticizes the author falls into this category. The soft bigotry of having only the "highest standards."

I would recommend the author meet more white American mothers of African-American children. They know better than anyone else how Americans treat them and their children, and how to counter and protect themselves and their children.

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Get your resources
Posted by: chaoslegs on Aug 21, 2006 7:14 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
In the author's home state, there is a wealth of resources gathered by the New York State Citizens' Coalition for Children on the web.

The North American Council on Adoptable Children has recently written a comparsion of family preperation regarding multicultural adoption between rules to comply with Hague Convention (international convention) by the State Department and the lack of any guidance by the Department of Health and Human Services regarding the Interethnic Adoption Provisions and Multi-ethnic Placement Act. Once Hague is fully implemented, the family prep may be such that the author would have been better prepared to handle the thoughts she has.

Finally, the article was very parent-centric orientated. Her daughter will grow up and have needs, including those related to searching and claiming her identity. This journey will likely include understanding and hopefully accepting the culture of her birth. The resources above by NYSCCC are great for examining many sides of this issue, including many from the adoptees point of view.

For full disclosure my sister was adopted as an infant from South Korea, is now 30, and I have heard her stories, including struggles she has faced with racism that my parents (white) could never hope to properly prepare her for.

If you have questions for me directly off the comments page, you can e-mail me at chaoslegs@gmail.com.

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Damned if she does, damned if she doesn't
Posted by: zinnia on Aug 21, 2006 7:52 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I think it took some guts for the author to write this, because by admitting her insecurities about transracial adoption, she gets called a shallow bigot by some, but if she had instead said "oh, skin color doesn't matter to me - I don't even see it," I sure wouldn't believe it. I appreciate her honesty, and I hope that whatever problems she and her daughter will experience will teach them wisdom and compassion, rather than breaking them down and making them bitter.

Welcome to the world of "conspicuous families!" Those of us in families with transracial adoptions, or interracial marriages, or same sex couples will probably always get funny looks (and worse) from some people, but please don't forget that your family is just as legitimate as anyone else's.

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» She didn't Posted by: Ouelle
» Give it a rest. Posted by: mmeetoilenoir
» RE: Give it a rest. Posted by: Ouelle
» Ouelle Posted by: Angie
» RE: Ouelle Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: She didn't Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: She didn't Posted by: Aussie Kim
» RE: She didn't Posted by: Ouelle
Don't use that sunscreen!
Posted by: WitchyNy on Aug 21, 2006 7:58 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
That strong a sunscreen on a small child is dangerous.
Babies have gone blind from it! NEVER use a waterproof one...it can get it her eyes and you can't wash it out!
I learned this the hard way...and ended up in a hospital!

You need to ask a good skin doctor about this.

I would use a MUCH less strong one...very expensive... use a 15 or less ..if at all....and keep it away from her eyes. Keep her out of the days strongest sun, and have her wear a sunhat.

In Hawaii, where I and my children are from...children are all colors, even within the same family. I would suggest a vacation there, and when you come home, find other single mothers by you who have adopted Indian children.

As she grows older, she will have a lot of questions about her birth country, and it would be helpful for her and you to have friends with the same experiences and concerns.

What about her birth mother? This is going to be a concern of hers when she becomes a teenager. Any contact or information you get now, would be a help to her later.

And remember, as the Velveteen Rabbit says...love makes you real.

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» Sunscreen Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: Sunscreen Posted by: owleyes
» RE: Sunscreen Posted by: Ouelle
» so wise Posted by: owleyes
» RE: so wise Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: so wise Posted by: owleyes
» RE: so wise Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: Sunscreen Posted by: cyclone2525
» RE: Sunscreen Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: Sunscreen Posted by: owleyes
we are all one family
Posted by: caru on Aug 21, 2006 8:08 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
the time has come to see we are all one family. our first mother was black - ask the geneticists. if you have a race problem you have a self problem. i agree with the comment on bigotry - we are all bigots and trained vigorously to be so. so let us start training each other in science ... you are my sister and you are my brother ... and the darkest, blackest one contained all the gentic information to produce all of us ... so be grateful to the mother, she is black and we are all her children.

but as we kill the planet and continue to hate each other ... we are the lost and the loosing ... by hating one of another color you hate yourself and loose yourself ... you loose your mother and loose your history, your love and your very life ... by being at odds with the reality of life on this planet ... we go missing from ourselves, others and creation.

i propose we go looking for each other and every little nuanced beauty and difference ... and we celebrate joyfully together and enjoy this beautiful life we are given. we can include all ... this is wisdom.

love to all, let all our wounds of exculsion be healed, now.

http://wisdominterviews.org/

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» RE: Well-put Posted by: mmeetoilenoir
» Thank you for this post Posted by: spittybanned
RE: Why Give Her A Break?
Posted by: mmeetoilenoir on Aug 21, 2006 9:12 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
No one ever fully "resolves" cultural racism. I don't know if you're White or Black, but I can guarantee you that you do things that you don't even notice because of people's race. No, I take that back. You're obviously perfect, and can cast stones, so you've never thought a racist thought in your life (cue eye roll)! Hell, I'm Black, and I catch MYSELF thinking some really stupid things sometimes. You know what? I know they're dumb thoughts, and I work through them, and then I move on...much like this woman seems to be doing.

It's not liberal self-righteousness here, I think...it's Ouelle-righteousness. We none of us are flawless, and I'll be that you're not, either. So get off your high horse.

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» RE: Why Give Her A Break? Posted by: Ouelle
It Must Be Chic To Adopt A Third-World Baby
Posted by: sirossisofliver on Aug 21, 2006 9:26 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
My question is Why did Ms. Lerner have to travel half-way around the world to adopt an Indian baby?

There are thousands of children here in the US who need to be adopted....and are part of the same culture as Ms. Lerner.

Moreover, if she's seems to have "guilt" over her child's religion, why didn't she contact one of the many Jewish adoption societies?

Sounds like it's more of a "fashion statement" to adopt a child of colour from the third world (Brad and Angelena, etc..) Bling Bling.

Sir Ossis

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» There is more than one reason.... Posted by: casey60622
» You are No Angelina Jolie Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: There is more than one reason.... Posted by: sirossisofliver
» RE: nuance, look it up, people Posted by: Aussie Kim
RE: Why Give Her A Break?
Posted by: wiyaka on Aug 21, 2006 9:47 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
your stupid here is you sign

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No One Talks About the CHILD'S Potential Identity Crisis...
Posted by: gs15 on Aug 21, 2006 11:07 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I have just finished reading everyone's comments here (at least of the time I write this, and neither here or at other times when these trans-racial adoptions are the topic (on AlterNet or elsewhere) does the following (and primary, IMO) ever get more than a glance on a very rare occasion---ARE THESE PARENTS MAKING EFFORTS TO KEEP THAT CHILD IN TOUCH WITH HIS/HER HERITAGE? I don't just mean Indian or other multi-ethnic friends here; I also mean books on that heritage and TV shows, documentaries, museum exhibits, concerts, speakers, plays, records/CDs (among others) about accomplished people of that heritage that are at least at hand in those moments when the child feels "different" or like "the odd one out," particularly if not exclusively after a racial incident (and, as "the only" in a virtually all-white home setting during most of my teens, I can tell you those times will come every so often if not everyday!). If possible, it will definitely help if this person can somehow maintan contact with the child's family or at least gather as much information about them as possible for her to have on hand. I have seen quite a few children of similar situations grow up to become persons devoid of any knowledge or connection with their heritage, and I don't care how accolplished otherwise they may be; it is always a terrible thing to behold. It is imperative that parents of transracial adoptions do their darndest to keep their children in touch with their racial heritage, otherwise, they will truly be guilty of a most egregious form of child abuse.

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Brave, but...
Posted by: UppityNegroUK on Aug 21, 2006 11:13 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
This piece took courage to write, so I tip my dreads to you. However, it's just as I suspected: when these girls' racial consciousness kicks in (after being trotted out for yet another wack ethnic/heritage pageant) I will glady fund their REVOLT.

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Why does color matter so much?
Posted by: mobile68 on Aug 21, 2006 12:10 PM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Why does one's skin color matter so much?

This author's confession of having race issues infuriated me because of how she prioritized the child's skin color above the child's health and emotional well being.
It seems like she picked the child based on how light she looked in the photos as if the author was shopping for a particular brown for a car.
She went into this adoption what seems like for selfish reasons. What was her motivation for doing this? She knows how her "peeps" (meaning the white race) are and what kind of society we live in.

It seems like she didn't bother to talk to other parents who are in similar situations, pschycologists, social workers, etc. BEFORE going thru with the adoption. Maybe she was ashamed of her thoughts. Which is more reason she should have sought out advice before proceeding with th adoption.
What she should be asking herself is:
1. Why does the color of one's skin matter?
2. How can I help my child deal with racism when presented to her?
3. Should we live in a community that reflects multicultural families? If not, how will I deal with people in a community that are not so accepting of my situation?
4. How do I answer the question why am I different from you mommy (and daddy?)?
5. How to balance how much of my culture to influence upon her without neglecting to mention any of her original culture? Will I be offended if she choose not be jewish? If I am offended, how would I work thru that?
6. Are there any genetic diseases or conditions that she may have that I should be concerned about?

I hope by her confessing to this, this will cleanse her soul and that she seek the help she so desperately need to raise a health happy girl before she gets too old.

Can somebody, anybody please explain to me what is with white people's obsession with the color of ones's skin?
Also, would someone please answer for me how is it that jewish people, who have been persecuted for their religious beliefs for thousands of years, can be so racist?
I can't tell the difference from a white atheist to a white christian to a white jew. That's why I can't understand how jews call anti-semitsm racism.

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» Obsession Posted by: owleyes
» RE: Obsession Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: Obsession Posted by: owleyes
» RE: Obsession Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: Obsession Posted by: owleyes
» Hit a nerve Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: What does it matter Posted by: Ouelle
» I've noticed ... Posted by: Michelle
» RE: I've noticed ... Posted by: Aussie Kim
» RE: Why does color matter so much? Posted by: was_passing_by
Is it racism, or discomfort with "differences"
Posted by: ezilla on Aug 21, 2006 12:17 PM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I find the comments damning this author as "racist!" a bit harsh. It seems there's a difference between Racism - composed of irrational hatred and bigotry based on color, and something that is often termed racism, but is really just peoples discomfort with anything different than themselves.

It is courageous for her to face, and voice, her discomfort with the indian child she has adopted. I think the situation may sometimes be the same for parents of disabled or mentally handicapped children. Expressing discomfort, or societally induced shame in no way means the parent does not love their child, or is incapable of raising them well, but it does speak to the way people have been conditioned. I think getting it out there and recognizing prejudices is a huge step towards dealing with them. It seems to be a natural human attribute to feel uncomfortable about differences, and conversely, to feel more comfortable with those who most resemble us (physically or otherwise). We have to learn not to be afraid of anything different.

I have an adopted brother, who is white like me, and grew up with an adopted friend (black, by a white family), and have often been amazed by what a non-issue it is to me. At the same time, my friend has had a much harder time with the situation than my brother. Just one, personal story, but it allows me to sympathize with both sides of the story. It would be very interesting to hear from others who were adopted or have dealt with this situation.

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» the real issue: yes Posted by: Michelle
resources -- it's NOT all about the white parent
Posted by: Michelle on Aug 21, 2006 12:21 PM   
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The more I hear about this issue, the more I see the pattern of focus on the white parents and the silencing of the adoptees/abductees themselves in these stories. This article is no exception.

To balance this white-parent-centric focus, here are some resources in which people who have been adopted in these circumstances speak for themselves

Two sites about a new book from South End Press:

http://www.southendpress.org/2005/items/87646

http://www.outsiderswithin.com/about.htm

And, the Transracial Abductees Website: http://www.transracialabductees.org/

Instead of giving so much attention only to the inner struggles and subjectivities of the white parents, let's listen to what the other people involved in these situations have to say (because contrary to the delusions of whiteness, those other people are not objects for the white liberal imagination, they are real 100% human beings!)

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Color-Ism, not Race-ism
Posted by: karigar on Aug 21, 2006 12:26 PM   
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This story seems to come from the heart. The author is facing up to her own culturally ingrained prejudices.

The skin color fixation that most people in the West suffer from is "Color-ism" & not "Race-ism". Especially in the US, the emphasis is on climbing to the top of the "Color Pyramid" by "whitening" oneself. Race is a discredited 19th century pseudo-science which survives mostly thru words like "racism".

Remember, there was a time not long ago (even Early 20th century) when Italian-Americans were not considered White. They worked at it, & "Whitened" themselves. Then it was the turn of Irish-Americans, & Jewish Americans. Now the Newer immigrants are also in the same game/struggle of getting at least "honorary white" status. Sounds ridiculous to me, but it is true.

My comments on the writer's "dilemma" is- Look at the baby's land of origin, it will give you the right clues to handle this. As many others have written, it is not difficult to find in India, in the same family, people of varying shades of skin tone. Color of skin is still a factor, but no one in their right mind would pass important judgements (prejudices?) based on skin color alone. People grow up with far too much diversity in India to be that ignorant.

The more in touch your daughter is, from an early age, to the positive aspects of her own Indian heritage, the better off she will be. [Does not preclude her from being Jewish, like her mom, but can surely answer her question "momma, why am I not like the other Jewish children around me?"]

With the number of successful Indian Americans & Indian Cultural Organizations all around...this shouldn't be too difficult.

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» RE: Color-Ism, not Race-ism Posted by: ezilla
» RE: Color-Ism, not Race-ism Posted by: karigar
» RE: Color-Ism, not Race-ism Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: Color-Ism, not Race-ism Posted by: ezilla
» RE: Color-Ism, not Race-ism Posted by: Golightly
I know why the fuss...
Posted by: Zee from Miami on Aug 21, 2006 12:32 PM   
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This article has been a relief. I completely understand the writer, actually my case is a little more complicated. I'm Hispanic and have been in the US over 10 years. I've always been a little priviledge and have never felt discriminated against for been Hispanic. Why? because I'm white skinned, my hair is brown, my figure is not all that voluptous and I don't have a Hisp accent. Many people would think that I'm from Canada or Europe. I'm very proud of my heritage and every opportunity I get I tell people about it. Now, my husband is Mex with light brown skin, my mother also has that color, my sister, brother, etc. I got the white from my father who also has green eyes, I didn't get that though.. Anyways, I have a 1 yr old and when she was born and I saw that her skin is like my husbands I felt dissapointed. And like the author I have never told anyone about this little secret of mine. For one she barely looks like me, so when I'm alone with her I feel that people are going to think that she is adopted. Actually we went to Peru when she was 6 mos. And I felt and joked that people would think that I was stealing her since she looked so much like the indegenous people. here in the US I fear that she will be discriminated, but then again my husband has never felt discriminated against and we are very positive people... We believe in hard work and that everything is possible. So, it will be up to her to see how the color of her skin becomes a positive or a negative. Its all in the way we carry our selves after all... In the meantime I'm happy that at least she has my hair texture and color.

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» She already has Posted by: Ouelle
» so it's clear Posted by: owleyes
» RE: so it's clear Posted by: Ouelle
» RE: so it's clear Posted by: owleyes
» RE: so it's clear Posted by: Ouelle
no answer
Posted by: Gregor on Aug 21, 2006 12:44 PM   
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This seems a very odd article, but a good one because look at all the debate it sparked. I don't think anyone adopts a child like you shop for a pair of shoes. But maybe she did adopt a child like buying a pair of shoes. People in this society are not very analytical most of the time. But I have to think many of these choices are guided by God. Like the people who choose to adopt disabled kids, drug addicted kids, people who spend their lives dedicated to the weakest part of society. What can motivate them but their hearts? So who knows why this happened, what the motivation was, but it happened and it is one more spark toward unity and oneness in the vast human ocean.

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from an adoptive mom
Posted by: superfan on Aug 21, 2006 1:34 PM   
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My husband and I are white and adopted two African-American boys out of foster care. I wish I could say the world is colorblind and all kids needs is love, but you have to be realistic. I know that the only people who say race doesn't matter are white people. Race does matter, and I love my sons enough to know that I am raising black men in America and that their opportunities may be different than white boys.

Part of loving my sons is understanding the role race plays in our world and preparing them for it. Right now they are young and it's easy for them. I fear it will get more complicated as they get older.

I read a great book called Inside Transracial Adoption that really helped sort out these issues. It was sort of a guide book for helping your child be comfortable in both his family of adoption and his family of origin.

We made a commitment that our sons are a minority in our families but no where else in their lives. That means school, doctor, dentist, sports teams, activities, camps, he is part of the majority. We strive for diversity in friendships but it is harder across color lines. It takes a lot more effort, but we are trying.

My sister just adopted two African-American boys as well so there is more diversity in our family, which is wonderful that my boys now have cousins that share the same race. They are having a great time together and I hope will be a source of support to each other as they get older.

We recently went on vacation to the south and my husband and I got so tired of the stares, stares, stares. Not the curious and friendly stares we get here (I live in the Midwest) but mean, feel it in your back stares. My kids had no idea fortunately. But I need to find a more diverse and open place for vacation next year!

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» very insightful Posted by: owleyes
» RE: from an adoptive mom Posted by: JBravoEcho11
Anyone notice all the alternet articles about Jews?
Posted by: albrechtkrausse on Aug 21, 2006 3:24 PM   
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Anyone notice that the recent articles on Alternet seem to always be pre-occupied with, or about, Jews? More often than not in a negative way: Uncomfortable Truths About Isreal, A Jewish Mom Realises She's Racist, A Split in the Radical Right, Why I Don't Live in Israel, and all the Mel Gibson stuff. Why? Theories?

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» Zionist Conspiracy? Posted by: sirossisofliver
RE: Why Give Her A Break?
Posted by: ecoMamaNY on Aug 21, 2006 4:59 PM   
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Ugh. This is a pathetic and angry post.
I hope you find some peace, Ouelle.

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» RE: Why Give Her A Break? Posted by: Ouelle