I found this story truly surprising. I cannot imagine worrying about a child's skin colour. Even biological parents and children can be dissimilar in surprising ways. It seems race and origin are obsessively important to Ms Lerner. You have to wonder why she adopted a child in the first place. The fact that she brought a child to her home from India shows that she's capable of crossing racial and geographical boundaries. If only she could apply this to her daily life with her new daughter.

Finally, I found it odd that Ms Lerner's infant daughter has a faith. Babies cannot be capitalists, marxists or Democrats, and neither can they be Hindus, Muslims or Jews. Ms Lerner should let her daughter find her own beliefs as all children should be able to.

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Goes to show how racist this world is and how white folks have dominated and controlled everything. But I can see the tide beginning to turn........

Stay tuned.

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And I mean it. It may well be the case that there appears plenty of comments in which you are put before the whip on the grounds that you clearly aren't the least racist person in the world, but I can't bring myself to condemn you.

The fact that you have realised you have a slight 'problem', as it were, and then worked through it rationally and with the help of others, to my mind, makes you something of a role model. If only other people were so forthcoming about realising and dealing with their own uncomfortable secrets.

I'm no astrologer but if I were to make my predictions for the future I would say that the question of skin colour will become less and less relevant by the day until eventually you will not give a stuff. (And you will love the little one throughout.)

The important thing is that whilst you were in that in-between stage, you shared your input with others allowing them to see what you are learning. That's a big thing! Generally we are left to see nothing but the 'final product' as people work through their issues privately.

No-one is born perfect, we all have to work for it. The fact that you are writing down and submitting that learning process for the scrutiny of others should not be reprimanded. Hats off!

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These problems happen because we still live in a racist society both overt and subconscious. Even those of us who are not consciously racist still have racism in our subconscious which can burst out to conciousness at the strangest times. But this too shall pass as society finally grows up enough to cast off our freakish faults.

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I agree with "why the fuss." If you reallly love that child, than the child's skin color would not matter. It's sad and it's shameful that you needed to use this child to tell the world "look, see I'm not a racist."

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Some of the posts above show that liberals can be every bit as moralistic and judgemental as any wingnut fundamentalist "Christian". She shares something with us that's obviously uncomfortable for her and what happens...why, a few liberals, who, I'm sure pride themselves on how open and inclusive they are, jump all over her.

Give it a rest, guys.

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Anyone who has watched Stephen Colbert on the "Colbert Report" when he says "I don't see color; people tell me I'm white, I have no idea" realizes, as they laugh, that we DO see color. And a brief introduction to tribal politics will reveal that it's very, very human to make distinctions between ourselves and others based on external, physical features like skin color, eye color, size, stature, hair. In England, it's the accent. Whatever the element is, we humans make distinctions or discriminations based on things that have nothing to do with personality or love.

The fact that this author dared to bare herself as she has to a liberal audience - who are indeed tremendously self-righteous - is wonderful and deserving.

As a mother of a ten-month-old, I've noticed that so much of our family's talk about our child has to do with what she looks like - who she resembles more, what traits she's inherited, how her face is changing, will her hair straighten, etc. With an adopted child, whatever the similarity to the parents, the ability to indulge in that "she looks like me!" thrill is gone. The love that binds an adopted child to a parent must therefore be generated from the bonding relationship, not the genetic one.

Good luck with your beautiful daughter!!!

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New mothers tend to worry about all manner of silly things. Then they worry about themselves for thinking them. Its par for the course. Once you bond to and grow in love for the child all these things fall away, and only the love remains.

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Unfortunately, yes, people associate distinctions of "good" and "bad" based on skin color. (In my family, we have just begun the process of adoption of a child from Asia and so appreciate the honest sharing here. Yeah, "family" means belonging, and even for birth children that's a complicated issue.)

Nothing is more stupid than judging someone for something over which they have no control. We think, say, and do lots of stupid things--being human and all--such as assuming that you can tell anything just by looking.

I was complimented by an older woman once for the brogans I was wearing. "My husband always said, you can trust a man who wears shoes like that." I couldn't contradict her, because that's one reason I was wearning them. But what a pile of horsepucky fashions are, yet "being fashionable" is intended as a compliment.

"Until the color of a man's skin is of no more significance than the color of his eyes, we shall not know peace." -- Haile Selassie.

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"I chose to adopt from India because I felt a familial pull toward its people and its culture..."

Apparently the feeling wasn't very deep. This dumb-!#$ thinks she feels a "pull" because she admires bindis. Get a life.

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Whenever I hear someone protest, "I'm not a racist! Not me!" I have to laugh.

The only honest thing for me to say is that I'm a racist, an ageist, a religionist, a sexist toward my own and the opposite sex, a demographicist (in my area it's all about what high school you went to), a somaticist (skinny or tubby? flabby or faux muscles? Real tits or not?), and also a hair-colorist and a fashionist. I'm a linguistic bigot: if you aren't well-spoken I'll deem you stupid. I'm also a vehiculist: I love that joke about cactuses and Porsches. I could be called a cell-phone bigot, too. I'm likely to think you're a downright murderous criminal type if I see your fat arm slabbed against the driver's-side window, propping up your latest banal conversation.

Bigotry is so easy, so natural!

No one ever gets any traction claiming they're free from prejudice and bigotry. That's why I support a nation of laws: human judgment and human character is flawed and always will be.

There will always be some hypocrites--and plenty of self-identified liberals among them--claiming a higher moral ground, implying that they themselves are completely clean-souled. Anyone who criticizes the author falls into this category. The soft bigotry of having only the "highest standards."

I would recommend the author meet more white American mothers of African-American children. They know better than anyone else how Americans treat them and their children, and how to counter and protect themselves and their children.

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In the author's home state, there is a wealth of resources gathered by the New York State Citizens' Coalition for Children on the web.

The North American Council on Adoptable Children has recently written a comparsion of family preperation regarding multicultural adoption between rules to comply with Hague Convention (international convention) by the State Department and the lack of any guidance by the Department of Health and Human Services regarding the Interethnic Adoption Provisions and Multi-ethnic Placement Act. Once Hague is fully implemented, the family prep may be such that the author would have been better prepared to handle the thoughts she has.

Finally, the article was very parent-centric orientated. Her daughter will grow up and have needs, including those related to searching and claiming her identity. This journey will likely include understanding and hopefully accepting the culture of her birth. The resources above by NYSCCC are great for examining many sides of this issue, including many from the adoptees point of view.

For full disclosure my sister was adopted as an infant from South Korea, is now 30, and I have heard her stories, including struggles she has faced with racism that my parents (white) could never hope to properly prepare her for.

If you have questions for me directly off the comments page, you can e-mail me at chaoslegs@gmail.com.

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I think it took some guts for the author to write this, because by admitting her insecurities about transracial adoption, she gets called a shallow bigot by some, but if she had instead said "oh, skin color doesn't matter to me - I don't even see it," I sure wouldn't believe it. I appreciate her honesty, and I hope that whatever problems she and her daughter will experience will teach them wisdom and compassion, rather than breaking them down and making them bitter.

Welcome to the world of "conspicuous families!" Those of us in families with transracial adoptions, or interracial marriages, or same sex couples will probably always get funny looks (and worse) from some people, but please don't forget that your family is just as legitimate as anyone else's.

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That strong a sunscreen on a small child is dangerous.
Babies have gone blind from it! NEVER use a waterproof one...it can get it her eyes and you can't wash it out!
I learned this the hard way...and ended up in a hospital!

You need to ask a good skin doctor about this.

I would use a MUCH less strong one...very expensive... use a 15 or less ..if at all....and keep it away from her eyes. Keep her out of the days strongest sun, and have her wear a sunhat.

In Hawaii, where I and my children are from...children are all colors, even within the same family. I would suggest a vacation there, and when you come home, find other single mothers by you who have adopted Indian children.

As she grows older, she will have a lot of questions about her birth country, and it would be helpful for her and you to have friends with the same experiences and concerns.

What about her birth mother? This is going to be a concern of hers when she becomes a teenager. Any contact or information you get now, would be a help to her later.

And remember, as the Velveteen Rabbit says...love makes you real.

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the time has come to see we are all one family. our first mother was black - ask the geneticists. if you have a race problem you have a self problem. i agree with the comment on bigotry - we are all bigots and trained vigorously to be so. so let us start training each other in science ... you are my sister and you are my brother ... and the darkest, blackest one contained all the gentic information to produce all of us ... so be grateful to the mother, she is black and we are all her children.

but as we kill the planet and continue to hate each other ... we are the lost and the loosing ... by hating one of another color you hate yourself and loose yourself ... you loose your mother and loose your history, your love and your very life ... by being at odds with the reality of life on this planet ... we go missing from ourselves, others and creation.

i propose we go looking for each other and every little nuanced beauty and difference ... and we celebrate joyfully together and enjoy this beautiful life we are given. we can include all ... this is wisdom.

love to all, let all our wounds of exculsion be healed, now.

http://wisdominterviews.org/

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No one ever fully "resolves" cultural racism. I don't know if you're White or Black, but I can guarantee you that you do things that you don't even notice because of people's race. No, I take that back. You're obviously perfect, and can cast stones, so you've never thought a racist thought in your life (cue eye roll)! Hell, I'm Black, and I catch MYSELF thinking some really stupid things sometimes. You know what? I know they're dumb thoughts, and I work through them, and then I move on...much like this woman seems to be doing.

It's not liberal self-righteousness here, I think...it's Ouelle-righteousness. We none of us are flawless, and I'll be that you're not, either. So get off your high horse.

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My question is Why did Ms. Lerner have to travel half-way around the world to adopt an Indian baby?

There are thousands of children here in the US who need to be adopted....and are part of the same culture as Ms. Lerner.

Moreover, if she's seems to have "guilt" over her child's religion, why didn't she contact one of the many Jewish adoption societies?

Sounds like it's more of a "fashion statement" to adopt a child of colour from the third world (Brad and Angelena, etc..) Bling Bling.

Sir Ossis

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your stupid here is you sign

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I have just finished reading everyone's comments here (at least of the time I write this, and neither here or at other times when these trans-racial adoptions are the topic (on AlterNet or elsewhere) does the following (and primary, IMO) ever get more than a glance on a very rare occasion---ARE THESE PARENTS MAKING EFFORTS TO KEEP THAT CHILD IN TOUCH WITH HIS/HER HERITAGE? I don't just mean Indian or other multi-ethnic friends here; I also mean books on that heritage and TV shows, documentaries, museum exhibits, concerts, speakers, plays, records/CDs (among others) about accomplished people of that heritage that are at least at hand in those moments when the child feels "different" or like "the odd one out," particularly if not exclusively after a racial incident (and, as "the only" in a virtually all-white home setting during most of my teens, I can tell you those times will come every so often if not everyday!). If possible, it will definitely help if this person can somehow maintan contact with the child's family or at least gather as much information about them as possible for her to have on hand. I have seen quite a few children of similar situations grow up to become persons devoid of any knowledge or connection with their heritage, and I don't care how accolplished otherwise they may be; it is always a terrible thing to behold. It is imperative that parents of transracial adoptions do their darndest to keep their children in touch with their racial heritage, otherwise, they will truly be guilty of a most egregious form of child abuse.

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This piece took courage to write, so I tip my dreads to you. However, it's just as I suspected: when these girls' racial consciousness kicks in (after being trotted out for yet another wack ethnic/heritage pageant) I will glady fund their REVOLT.

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Why does one's skin color matter so much?

This author's confession of having race issues infuriated me because of how she prioritized the child's skin color above the child's health and emotional well being.
It seems like she picked the child based on how light she looked in the photos as if the author was shopping for a particular brown for a car.
She went into this adoption what seems like for selfish reasons. What was her motivation for doing this? She knows how her "peeps" (meaning the white race) are and what kind of society we live in.

It seems like she didn't bother to talk to other parents who are in similar situations, pschycologists, social workers, etc. BEFORE going thru with the adoption. Maybe she was ashamed of her thoughts. Which is more reason she should have sought out advice before proceeding with th adoption.
What she should be asking herself is:
1. Why does the color of one's skin matter?
2. How can I help my child deal with racism when presented to her?
3. Should we live in a community that reflects multicultural families? If not, how will I deal with people in a community that are not so accepting of my situation?
4. How do I answer the question why am I different from you mommy (and daddy?)?
5. How to balance how much of my culture to influence upon her without neglecting to mention any of her original culture? Will I be offended if she choose not be jewish? If I am offended, how would I work thru that?
6. Are there any genetic diseases or conditions that she may have that I should be concerned about?

I hope by her confessing to this, this will cleanse her soul and that she seek the help she so desperately need to raise a health happy girl before she gets too old.

Can somebody, anybody please explain to me what is with white people's obsession with the color of ones's skin?
Also, would someone please answer for me how is it that jewish people, who have been persecuted for their religious beliefs for thousands of years, can be so racist?
I can't tell the difference from a white atheist to a white christian to a white jew. That's why I can't understand how jews call anti-semitsm racism.

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I find the comments damning this author as "racist!" a bit harsh. It seems there's a difference between Racism - composed of irrational hatred and bigotry based on color, and something that is often termed racism, but is really just peoples discomfort with anything different than themselves.

It is courageous for her to face, and voice, her discomfort with the indian child she has adopted. I think the situation may sometimes be the same for parents of disabled or mentally handicapped children. Expressing discomfort, or societally induced shame in no way means the parent does not love their child, or is incapable of raising them well, but it does speak to the way people have been conditioned. I think getting it out there and recognizing prejudices is a huge step towards dealing with them. It seems to be a natural human attribute to feel uncomfortable about differences, and conversely, to feel more comfortable with those who most resemble us (physically or otherwise). We have to learn not to be afraid of anything different.

I have an adopted brother, who is white like me, and grew up with an adopted friend (black, by a white family), and have often been amazed by what a non-issue it is to me. At the same time, my friend has had a much harder time with the situation than my brother. Just one, personal story, but it allows me to sympathize with both sides of the story. It would be very interesting to hear from others who were adopted or have dealt with this situation.

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The more I hear about this issue, the more I see the pattern of focus on the white parents and the silencing of the adoptees/abductees themselves in these stories. This article is no exception.

To balance this white-parent-centric focus, here are some resources in which people who have been adopted in these circumstances speak for themselves

Two sites about a new book from South End Press:

http://www.southendpress.org/2005/items/87646

http://www.outsiderswithin.com/about.htm

And, the Transracial Abductees Website: http://www.transracialabductees.org/

Instead of giving so much attention only to the inner struggles and subjectivities of the white parents, let's listen to what the other people involved in these situations have to say (because contrary to the delusions of whiteness, those other people are not objects for the white liberal imagination, they are real 100% human beings!)

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This story seems to come from the heart. The author is facing up to her own culturally ingrained prejudices.

The skin color fixation that most people in the West suffer from is "Color-ism" & not "Race-ism". Especially in the US, the emphasis is on climbing to the top of the "Color Pyramid" by "whitening" oneself. Race is a discredited 19th century pseudo-science which survives mostly thru words like "racism".

Remember, there was a time not long ago (even Early 20th century) when Italian-Americans were not considered White. They worked at it, & "Whitened" themselves. Then it was the turn of Irish-Americans, & Jewish Americans. Now the Newer immigrants are also in the same game/struggle of getting at least "honorary white" status. Sounds ridiculous to me, but it is true.

My comments on the writer's "dilemma" is- Look at the baby's land of origin, it will give you the right clues to handle this. As many others have written, it is not difficult to find in India, in the same family, people of varying shades of skin tone. Color of skin is still a factor, but no one in their right mind would pass important judgements (prejudices?) based on skin color alone. People grow up with far too much diversity in India to be that ignorant.

The more in touch your daughter is, from an early age, to the positive aspects of her own Indian heritage, the better off she will be. [Does not preclude her from being Jewish, like her mom, but can surely answer her question "momma, why am I not like the other Jewish children around me?"]

With the number of successful Indian Americans & Indian Cultural Organizations all around...this shouldn't be too difficult.

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This article has been a relief. I completely understand the writer, actually my case is a little more complicated. I'm Hispanic and have been in the US over 10 years. I've always been a little priviledge and have never felt discriminated against for been Hispanic. Why? because I'm white skinned, my hair is brown, my figure is not all that voluptous and I don't have a Hisp accent. Many people would think that I'm from Canada or Europe. I'm very proud of my heritage and every opportunity I get I tell people about it. Now, my husband is Mex with light brown skin, my mother also has that color, my sister, brother, etc. I got the white from my father who also has green eyes, I didn't get that though.. Anyways, I have a 1 yr old and when she was born and I saw that her skin is like my husbands I felt dissapointed. And like the author I have never told anyone about this little secret of mine. For one she barely looks like me, so when I'm alone with her I feel that people are going to think that she is adopted. Actually we went to Peru when she was 6 mos. And I felt and joked that people would think that I was stealing her since she looked so much like the indegenous people. here in the US I fear that she will be discriminated, but then again my husband has never felt discriminated against and we are very positive people... We believe in hard work and that everything is possible. So, it will be up to her to see how the color of her skin becomes a positive or a negative. Its all in the way we carry our selves after all... In the meantime I'm happy that at least she has my hair texture and color.

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This seems a very odd article, but a good one because look at all the debate it sparked. I don't think anyone adopts a child like you shop for a pair of shoes. But maybe she did adopt a child like buying a pair of shoes. People in this society are not very analytical most of the time. But I have to think many of these choices are guided by God. Like the people who choose to adopt disabled kids, drug addicted kids, people who spend their lives dedicated to the weakest part of society. What can motivate them but their hearts? So who knows why this happened, what the motivation was, but it happened and it is one more spark toward unity and oneness in the vast human ocean.

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My husband and I are white and adopted two African-American boys out of foster care. I wish I could say the world is colorblind and all kids needs is love, but you have to be realistic. I know that the only people who say race doesn't matter are white people. Race does matter, and I love my sons enough to know that I am raising black men in America and that their opportunities may be different than white boys.

Part of loving my sons is understanding the role race plays in our world and preparing them for it. Right now they are young and it's easy for them. I fear it will get more complicated as they get older.

I read a great book called Inside Transracial Adoption that really helped sort out these issues. It was sort of a guide book for helping your child be comfortable in both his family of adoption and his family of origin.

We made a commitment that our sons are a minority in our families but no where else in their lives. That means school, doctor, dentist, sports teams, activities, camps, he is part of the majority. We strive for diversity in friendships but it is harder across color lines. It takes a lot more effort, but we are trying.

My sister just adopted two African-American boys as well so there is more diversity in our family, which is wonderful that my boys now have cousins that share the same race. They are having a great time together and I hope will be a source of support to each other as they get older.

We recently went on vacation to the south and my husband and I got so tired of the stares, stares, stares. Not the curious and friendly stares we get here (I live in the Midwest) but mean, feel it in your back stares. My kids had no idea fortunately. But I need to find a more diverse and open place for vacation next year!

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Anyone notice that the recent articles on Alternet seem to always be pre-occupied with, or about, Jews? More often than not in a negative way: Uncomfortable Truths About Isreal, A Jewish Mom Realises She's Racist, A Split in the Radical Right, Why I Don't Live in Israel, and all the Mel Gibson stuff. Why? Theories?

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Ugh. This is a pathetic and angry post.
I hope you find some peace, Ouelle.

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A southern, African American man once said that black people looked the best after slavery when they were "lightened up". Responding to questions of possible self loathing, he went on to say that living in this society ingrains in one a standard of beauty that reflects more caucasion features. Certainly, most mothers are naturally concerned for their children's well-being and success. But a both separate and related aspect is fully accepting and liking certain physical differences... I think she will get used to them and get over them in time.

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Alternet I think runs a lot of articles now on Israel mainly because its big news and also because conventional media presents only one side. So, I don't see a racial motive here. Having adopted 2 kids ourselves, I don't think you can generalize on how the racial issue will be dealt with. A lot of schools and communities now are multi-racial and multi-ethnic. I think the issue has to be put into context of what it means personally, for the children and parents involved. Also, kids as teenagers can fall into a kind of excessive questioning and pandering to irrational fears and this can be something that has to be dealt with. For our own situation, we are just honest with the kids and their origins. However, they are not of a different ethnic group than ourselves.

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Lisa, If you happen to scroll down this far, ignore most of what these folks have posted. Politics and love are often like oil and water.
My neice and nephew are biracial. My love for them forces me to confront my own racism and call it out for what it is: fear.
Would I put up with someone else thinking about them what I just thought about that black person on the subway?
My best wishes to your family.

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Ms. Lerner, you article indicates that you are a wonderful and courageous new mother! How many of us are honestly able to confront our innermost maternal insecurities?

Since you've clearly recieved an avalanche of very critical unsolicited advice, I'll just share an experience I had recently with my two lovely dark skinned daughters adopted from Cambodia, that might lend a bit of perspective on the subject of dark skinned children.

We were sweltering in a long line for a roller coaster ride at Six Flags, when I noticed a beautiful but painfully overdressed Indian woman shoving her perhaps 10 year old daughter through the line, trying in vain to shield her from the sun with a ruffled umbrella. The child, also foolishly clothed in a frilly dress, was clearly humiliated as her mother tried to push in front of us, insisting that they needed to stand in the shade. I let them cut through, much to my own daughters' protests. How could I explain to them that many Asians are ashamed of their dark skin, and even try to bleach their skin with strange concoctions because skin color prejudices exist in Asia too?

You are so wise to honestly examine your feelings about your daughter's differences and deal with them as they arise, because someday she will need to honestly discuss them with you as well!

Good luck, and by the way, dark skinned kids are at risk for skin cancer too, and of course they do make SPF 50 sunscreen specifically for kids---any grocery store carries several brands!

STL Christine

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She didn't pick her child out like a pair of shoes, she said Vaishali was "assigned" to her, i.e. somebody else picked her out.

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I couldn't help but see the similarity between those who criticized this woman for her "racism" and the homophobia of the deeply closeted. It's the same phenomenon. "Oh no, I couldn't be racist. Look at how much venom I spew on those whom I accuse of racism. That makes me pure!" Well it is bullshit. Racism is wrong but it is as natural in most people--white, black, brown, or yellow as the temptation to steal or the temptation to cheat on your partner. It is not our impulses that we should be ashamed of but instead our actions. The essence of morality is resisting our base impulses to treat others unfairly. The people I worry about are not the people who confess their temptations but those who profess to "not have a racist bone in their bodies". They are the people who are often the most clueless about their own natures. And like the closeted gay homophobe they will go on doing harm to others as they profess their virtue.

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Yes! Thank you for responding, as this phrase in particular, "So now I fit in nowhere: I am too dark to be white and too "white" to be Hispanic." especially resonated with me.

I am hard of hearing and was mainstreamed into the hearing world at a young age. So I am too "deaf" to be hearing and too "hearing" to be deaf, so to speak. Thus the fun begins.

I feel like the author is self-absorbed, out of touch and creepy, just like the celebrity moms who "buy" their children from other countries to bolster their own egos for being so "loving." I really believe that these mothers will be paid back for their "kindness" when these overprivileged kids reach their teens, but perhaps that's just wishful thinking.

In any case, racist politics and identity confusion will prevail.

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This article, among other things, fails completely to address a very important aspect of interracial adoption, which is, dark skinned babies are easier, and less expensive to adopt.
"We wanted a baby, but the adoption requirements for white babies was much more stringent than for darker skinned babies."
It also fails to come to terms with certain things that the baby will have to face growing up, "Why am I a different color than mommy and daddy?"
The child will not be welcomed into the black community, and will not be welcomed into the white community. What a terrible burden to place on a child! A child who will be an outsider in their own family.
Granted, this might be better for the child than for he/she to have been left in an orphanage's care, but it is still irresponsible parenting.
Another issue not addressed, why not adopt a darker skinned child here in America?
I think it all boils down to a selfish desire on the part of the adoptive parent, who doubtlessly fancy themselves as "color-blind".
I hope nobody misconstrues anything I've said here as racist, I've never once been accused or thought of being in any way racist. In fact, back in my twenties I had plans to adopt a girl baby from India "when I grew up" (something that, at 42, I'm still waiting to happen). The reason at that time was the awful situation women faced in that country, and my own admiration for the inherent beauty of the darker skinned races.

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it would take about 2 days to forget your own skin tone or your babies' except for the purpose of camoflage. We live in a pompous and arrogant society that has a cultural heritage of bigotry against any number of visible (or auditory) qualities.

The point is that the baby's skin tone matters to the author for VALID reasons. Simply because all interpersonal relationships here in the US of A are colored by our culturally inherited assumptions.

Still, for me (as a non-caucasian), it's hard not to be cynical about goodwill to the impoverished brown-skinned peoples of the world. Raped, pillaged, dominated for hundreds of years only to be handed a bible and and a banana or taken home to a new mama.

I hope the child grows up to learn Hindi or whatever dialect her native town speaks and can see the world as a whole. It's possible that we'll have 2 more enlightened people in the world.

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I think that the entire article wwas whining, self indulgent bullshit. I agree with you Ouelle....I think that Princess Lerner needs to go have a manicure and a facial, get some lunch at the trendiest bistro in NYC, take in some shopping, and let her underpaid illegal immigrant nanny take care of the kid (which you and both know is exactly what she'll do, anyway), Dahlink.

Sir Ossis

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Read "Learning to be White" by Thandeka and learn how we all learn how to be racist (Continuum Press).
"You've got to be carefully taught...before you are six, or seven, or eight" from the famous Rogers and Hammerstein musical "South Pacific." We were all 'carefully' taught....
G.

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I stopped and started this article a few times, not sure if it was meant as satire or if this woman was really this ignorant about her own racism. Needless to say, I was/am appalled by it.

As a warm-up, we're told this chick has a "diverse group of friends" (i.e. "I have black/gay/whatever friends so I'm not XXXXX," and so on) so then we should refrain from analyzing her comments and take them at face value. Okay. Go. For starters, why does she, a (white) single American woman feel the need to go to the other side of the world to adopt a child? Are there not qualified children in the US? Surely there must be some "healthy ones who don't take all those substances" [sic]. This is neo-liberal imperialism on a personalized scale. How convient that India had a child waiting for her (nevermind about the conditions of Indians in India cause they're only there to satisfy the desires for babies, chai tea, and telemarketing of westerners.) Secondly, the author openly admits a disgust for brown skin and (ethnic/non-european-like) hair. (Last I saw/heard, some jews have naps rockin harder or fros kissin the sun more than my own.) Then there's that comment where she can barely contain her glee that with the help of her "token brown baby," blacks on the train "smile and give up their seats on the train" (thank you very much Mrs. Parks, "see they still give up their seats"). Disgusting! She'll make a terrible parent, one who was so interested in having a new "kid" ("kid" because I'm sure it's just another accessory for her on "the Upper Eastside of New York" as she so smugly writes) that she didn't bother to research the particulars of her situation before involving herself in it.

The best thing, however, is how eager posters are here to defend her "courage" and "honesty" in writing such racist drivel. Typical, really, after all it's easier to dismiss or applaude a comment than consider its substance. Though I can't speak for all non-whites posting her, I might say that people of color reading this article aren't so easily awed by Miss America's altruism and sharing. Perhaps before she jets off to Dafur to "rescue" a child there she should (check at a FEMA camp to see if they've any "healthy babies" to donate to the "Upper Eastside", or) ask one of her African American sistas what that's gonna look like to her pals at the country club. I'm sure she'll get the answer she doesn't want. (And I look forward to the day when her daughter gets in her face about writing this terrible article and demands an explanation.)

"The only proud American is an ignorant American."

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A Mother Adopts, and Discovers Her Own Racism

What IS it with us white people and "discovering" what other people already know is there?

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Why didn't she think about these things before adopting? Having children, especially making the conscious choice to adopt a child is not a decision one makes on a whim. We can all debate about whether or not we (personally) are racist forever. The fact remains that we live in a racist society. If you are born black in America you have a 1 in 6 chance of going to jail, for whites it's like 1 in 17. Look at your executives in the companies you for...95% or more are white males. Drive through the poor communities...not many white people are there? So how could someone who claims to feel a connection with people in India be so distant from her own society and its issues? This really shows the level of privilege that white people are used to in America. We are so isolated from other communities within our own country that it is accepted that we are ignorant of the level of racism that exists. We are allowed to pretend that it was someone else's grandfather who lynched people and someone else's ancestor who massacred Native Americans. We're even allowed to get away with saying things like "I don't know why they can't just get over it already." If we want to be fair and try and change things for the better we have to acknowledge the past, and we have to accept the present. The only people we can change are ourselves.

The other point is that racism and classism are not just American values. In South America and many parts of the world the darker the skin pretty much equates to the poorer you are. Fair skin is a highly desirable trait in India. Slave (or indentured servant) classes are mostly made up of darker people. African women (at least some of the ones I know) often discuss how light so and so's child's complexion is in an envious way. The difference between other culture's racism and our racism is that we have a long history of gaining from the oppression of other races and continue to do so. We see racism as either something to be completely appalled at (liberal guilt) or something to completely embrace (kkk types), whereas other cultures simply see racism for what it is.

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Gosh, this article is particularly interesting to me. I am a Brazilian woman. My skin is brown, my eyes are black and my hair is straight. I am darker than my siblings and grew up hearing my grandmother’s negative remarks regarding my skin color. She would always compare me to her other grandchildren, my aunt’s sons, who were all blond, blue or green-eyed. Well, maybe because of that, I was always attracted to light-skinned guys. I ended up marrying a German man. We had two children. Our daughter is exactly like me, brown-skinned. Our son has a much lighter skin than hers. But what I would like to say here is that my husband absolutely loves her (and mine!) skin color. He thinks it’s really beautiful. During summer, when she gets even darker, he always makes remarks like “Look how beautiful she is now, how nice she looks in this beautiful brown skin”. I guess we are very lucky to have a husband/father as proud of us as he is. It is really sad that there are still people like Ms. Lerner out there. She is so worried about what “others” think that she cannot really appreciate or even think positively about her daughter’s skin color.

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I asked in a previous post if people are ever "ashamed" of their odd children. The ones who are excessivley fair or red headed or whatever. Since so many people on this board think it's totally acceptable for this woamn to feel ashamed of another persons appearance it is legitimate to ask if it is accepatable to be ashamed of someones whitenes or are only brown people shameful? Maybe the little girl will grow and be ashamed of her jewish mother will that be oaky or would it then be racist?

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I am white and I adopted 2 asian babies. I can't believe your ignorance and hang-up on color. I hope the adoption is reversable and someone else can take your daughter before you mess her up.

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For anyone who cares, my wife and I are about to adopt a baby girl from central america and I can honestly say some of these thoughts have crossed my mind from time to time. (does this make me a biggot?) But when I think back to the stress, the shots, and the HORMONES that were involved with three failed IVF cycles, I can honestly say I don't give a shit about skin color anymore. We are just to excited about an additon to our family that the other stuff doesn't matter. But I do realized the struggles she will face later in life, I just hope we can get so tolerance in this country.

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Lisa,

It's been a long list of comments you must've read so I'll try to keep this simple.
One, congratulations on the new member of your family! I hope the child is a source of as much pleasure, pride and pain to you as all children are, to their happy parents.
Two, you need to educate yourself a lot, lot more. Being a parent means learning, teaching yourself stuff you haven't known before - and this is not just stuff on diaper-changing, but also about the big wide world. You've just shown in this article how completely mixed up you are about nationality, race and color - for that is what the 'issue at hand' is. These are three different issues. First, you don't 'need darker friends', you need Desi friends, people from India/Pakistan/Sri Lanka, etc. Them you need as role models for your daughter when she starts growing up and asking questions, as well as for you to find out whether to put sunscreen on her face. Second, your kid doesn't have hair that is kinky (!) or full, large lips because those are African features, not those of Asian Indians - exactly like many Mongloids are as fair as most Caucasians, but they have different features (smaller eyes, narrow frame, etc.). You need to know this for maybe medical reasons (e.g. to correctly diagnose her risk factors for skin cancer or even geographically occurring endemic diseases e.g. sickle-cell anaemia, tuberculosis, etc.), as well as for social reasons - your child is NOT African-American. Finally, as so many other posters say, you should seriously sit down and write 'Color does not matter' 500 times. Because if you think your little princess is a flower girl, then flower girl she will become.

And last, do read Amartya Sen's excellent Identity and Violence: The Illusion of Destiny - that should explain the concept of multiple identities. Rest assured your child is not going to be the only confused dealing-with-multiple-identities teenager around, esp in NY :-)

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I have to agree with some of the above comments. You must live in a world of your own, or atleast that's the way it looks like with your comments. I hope that you are under 16, because that would atleast give you some excuse. Are you really that blind? Or did you stop reading after the second paragraph. This article was all about how she didn't realize that she was racist in this manner and her trying to come to terms with it. Of course, you would have to read the whole article to understand that.

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twice which I'm not surprised no one will touch. The very thought of anyone being ashamed of a red faced white kid seems to have offended everyone so deeply yet the author gets held up as courageous and high for admitting that a kids black bottom had her in a tizzy. Wow you all are so benevolent to forgive the self important white bitch for being ashamed of black folks. Thanks to all of you rednecks for speaking on behalf of colored people everywhere and letting this woman know that her shame over our very beings is totaly righteous. We are so grateful. What color did she think babies in India were anyway? If you're going to go to India and hope for the lightest baby there then don't go at all. It's just insulting.

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This woman is opening her deepest regions of her heart and a majority of you have nothing but criticism. You should be ashamed of yourselves. As an interracial adoptee I feel that I know more about racism than most of you assholes commenting. I felt the first part of the article seemed a bit off but by the end I understood what message she was conveying (although it was not presented absolutely). In case you didn't notice she wasn't racist but merely didn't even think about color until it was shoved in her face like most people. You don't think about poverty until an event like Hurricane Katrina. It's just there. Not racist but perhaps not prepared or asked herself enough questions about the differences a color will make (it does believe me) in the child's life.

I'll repeat what I said above: "Transracial Adoption is also somewhat like having gay children: It may not be what you expected and you often worry, and although on the surface this worry may initially be directed at the thing that is different (skin color, sexuality), it is not what your TRUE worries (Will he/she fit in?, Is it going to be harder for him/her to get through life because of his/her difference?, Is he/she going to be hurt emotionally, psychologically, physically because of what is different?) are directed. So surface worries may be "racist/homophobic" but deeper worries are really out of concern for what might to happen to your child and his/her safety and equality."

As for Cosmic Fluke: It is completely not irresponsible or cruel to adopt a colored baby. Being different made me who I am. I have lots of friends of both races regardless of how "white" or Hispanic I am. My parents did it way back in 1985 (before Angelina made it "vogue"). As for those who say "Well just adopt in America, plenty of those here!" Legal complications arise more often from US adoptions (look at what happened to poor Baby Richard. That gave me nightmares for weeks.) The orphanage I was placed at would have kicked me out at 10 years old to live on the streets. So to say "stick to your own country" is ignorant and nationalistic.

And what Cosmic Fluke said about foreign children being cheaper, that's bullshit b/c they aren't. (You think all those unwanted little girls from China come cheap than think again.) You have to fly out of the country and then deal with the problems associated with that country. Colombia had just begun of a massive civil war and there were minors on the rooftops with machine guns pointed at the street everywhere. Sorry, Walmart it ain't.

I asked my mom why Colombia instead of America a few times. She said she read an article called "He's finally ours!" and she thought it was a good idea and thought Colombian babies were cute. She didn't think about color although she grew up in an all-white racist town so I'm sure worries about color were present for at least a few moments and I don't blame her. She obviously didn't think about the problems of growing up brown in an all-white town but she came to understand them through me. Watching someone be racist to your child is definitely hard but understanding/learning it through your child has to be one of the hardest things to go through as a parent.

Although I think this woman was slightly naive, I think she broadcasted thoughts that most only think for a minute or two. I think she is brave for doing so. To have love for a child you never gave birth to or saw until you picked him/her up is the deepest sort of love anyone can give. To criticize her is to criticize something you know nothing about. (Read my messages above for more.)

P.S. Also I just reread it and must've missed the sunscreen part. Hilarious! My sister would come back pink (sometimes red) after getting a layer every half hour and I would run out with no sunscreen and be just fine (this was before the big skin cancer scare).

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The problem here is that racism still exists. It may not be the old 'I hate n*ggers' variety, but just because it's subtle doesn't make it any less dangerous or psychically destructive.

Ms. Lerner took a great risk in exposing her ugly underside (and it is ugly) this way, and if anything we should give her a little credit for that. After all, she could have remained totally oblivious to her feelings until it was too late. Her feelings may have (and I'm certain they *would* have) affected her relationship with her child. Also, Ms. Lerner is not to be made a convenient scapegoat for her feelings - after all, no one grows up racist or having racist feelings. What she knew or felt, she LEARNED. Our society (in fact many societies) place a greater emphasis on fair skin and a negative value on dark skin. I know Indians (from India) who become quite offended if you mistake them for being black, though in many cases their skin is as dark as someone who is of African descent. My significant other's mother (who is Latino) says that some of her brothers are dark-skinned and have faced a great deal of intra-racism from their own, and I need not get too in depth with my own black folks' endless preoccupation with light skin and 'good' hair.

On the other hand, neither Ms. Lerner nor those here who are her supporters should think she (or they) are allowed a free pass. Ouelle and others here who are the detractors have a valid cause for their anger. How long must we go on as a society teaching intolerance simply because of the color of one's skin and that lighter (or close to white) is far more desirable? How much are those of us who are dark-skinned expected to take when we're told time and again that we're somehow 'unworthy'? Moreover, why is the life of this child subject to someone else's ignorance?

I also ask, why should people of color not be allowed to feel angry about this confession? After all, we live in an increasingly multi-racial society and there's no excuse that stupid color prejudices should still exist. According to Ms. Lerner, she works around and are friends with people of varying ethnicities, which more than likely means she's around black and brown people of ALL SHADES. Which means that she knows them to be good, upstanding, caring, loving, hardworking, etc., so there's really no good reason for her discomfort.

The difficult truth is that giving up racist thoughts and feelings is going to take a whole lot more than just saying "I'm not racist". It's going to take giving up the power of believing in the inherent *rightness* of one skin tone over the other.

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We who believe that the author has been courageous by admitting her new-found feelings of confusion and pain to us do NOT support her racism.

WE SUPPORT HER STRUGGLE AGAINST IT.

Try to get that through your skulls, else you are as intolerant and hateful as you accuse us and her of being.

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I read Lisa Lerner's article, and the comments about it, with interest because my husband and I also are white americans who adopted a daughter from India. I can say that Lerner's article is honest not simply because she reveals herself in it, but because I recognize her feelings about the process of coming to be a white-skinned mother of a dark-skinned daughter. Other than the lurid title, I thought the article was thought provoking and not offensive in any manner.

Like Lerner, we did not know our daughter's skin color until we arrived at the orphanage to take her into our family. In the photos taken in her infancy, she looked much like the orphanage's description of her skin color, "wheatish." But, like Lerner, we did not "pick" our daughter based on skin color. (In fact, like everyone who adopts a child from India, we did not "pick" at all; the orphanage assigns a child to the family.)

When we first met, I saw only her fear and felt only my need to comfort her. With time, I came to see her each part of her, including her color. There is no doubt about it -- she is far darker than anyone else in the family, including her Panamanian, Guatamalen, and Costa Rican cousins. Far darker.

I had spent years preparing to became my daughter's mother, reading about adoption, about adopting a toddler, about trans-racial adoption, about India, about Hinduism, about anything and everything that I thought would make me the right mother for her. The education helped me -- but didn't replace -- my own authentic experience. I had a one-and-a-half-year old on my hands! One who had never seen a man and certainly not a bald guy with a red beard! One who had never seen anyone with my pale skin. One who had never been outside of the room in which she lived with twenty-odd other children her own age. She was more than a bit startled to be snatched away from her orphanage home (dreary to be sure, but still home). And, after making an extraordinary and lengthy effort to become her mother, I was more than a bit startled to have her. She was so unfamiliar. She wasn't a tiny baby straight from my body. She walked. She talked, but not a language I understood. She was wafer thin at 16 pounds.

And she was dark. Did I notice her darkness? Of course! I noticed every ounce of her. I studied her. I inspected the pale soles of her feet, her black bottom, the darkness of her wrists and ankles, all of it new and foreign, so strange to me. Not like any child I'd had before.

With time, the otherness faded and my daughter became my own. (Which, by the way, is another unmentionable; we are supposed to pretend that we deeply love our adopted children from the instant we lay eyes on them.) I came to admire and swoon over every bit of my daughter. Still do. I do the same with her pale brother and sister. I look at their toes, their hair lines, their spots, their tummies, their arm pits. I caress them as much as they will permit and wonder how I could have been so blessed. I look at the crease of my Indian daughter's arms and her knees, and marvel at her smooth and lovely blackness. My love for her is not blind, nor should it be.

Being my daughter's mother has caused me to think and feel differently about skin color. I "notice" skin tones more than I ever did, but in a pleasant way; the way you might notice variations in flowers. I did not know that I would have feelings about my daughter's skin color nor that those feelings would change, but there is is, and for good reason. My baby, my deepest love, has dark dark skin. At first so foreign, so "other", she -- and everything about her -- is now part of me, part of her father, her brother and her sister. Like Lisa Lerner's daughter, my daughter has changed the complexion of our family forever. She is of us and we are of her.

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As a Danish public health nurse working with babies and children from many countries and being married to an African-American and having two now grown-up "brown" children, I have some comments about your article.
First some factual information to your confusion about the necessity of having to use sunfactor cream. Your doctor is right, your daughter´s dark complexion serves as a natural shield. But you will have to give a vitamin D supply untill she is at least 3 years old, maybe even longer depending on how much sun and daylight she gets.
Those of us who 30.000 years or so remained in tropical or subtropical areas, kept or devellopped a pigmentation as a protection against the sun. The part of human race who migrated further north to colder and darker areas of the planet were able to survive with less pigmentation, but were also quite vulnerable to exposure of sun and thus more prone to skincancer. They ( we from the northern parts) also devellopped an ability to absorb vitamin D in food more efficiently, so we would´nt be so dependant on sunlight for as a vitamin Dsource.
People of darker pigmentations though do not have the ability to absorb vitamon D in food so well and need more sunlight to achieve the amount needed. This means that when living in colder climates they need extra vitamin D epecially small children of colour and sometimes also adults depending on how much sunlight they are exposed to. If not it can cause rachitis (fragile bones) in babies and muscle and bone pains in adults. So the family you consulted in the park, did not give you the right advice.
Next thing I would like to comment in your letter (although I do admire you being open and honest) is that I think you have been terribly naive. Adopting a child is a very important step especially if the cild is from another culture. It seems to me that you have nor been properly informed nor prepared. It also depressed me a lot to realize how far behind in these issues the US is. All this talk about race and colour and is it better to be darkskinned Caucasian or lightskinned Afro-American, is truly pitiful. It always uproared me that you people still have to register your "race" in order to vote. Does it give any meaning to-day at all?and why is it so terribly important. Come on move forward!
My Brazilian friend says of her country: We are a mixed people.
When did you ever hear a US citizen say a similar thing. You certainly have a long way to go. I hope for the best for you and your daughter and for the rest of the people of the US in order to make progress. Alternet sometimes makes me feel a little more optimistic about the future.

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Vaishali is an Indian baby & from her name sounds Hindu or Buddhist. Who gave Lisa the right to convert her? Reverse it around. What if an Asian, African or South American went to the so-called ´white´ countries & adopted white children (yes, we all know that there are hapless children abandoned in the West as well) and converted them from the Jewish and Christian faiths? Would Christian/Jewish America allow that? Who gave the adopted parent the choice to decide the faith of the child? Stop imposing your beliefs and religions on children who are non-white and were not born from your faith. Hinduism, Buddhism and other Asian religions are much older than yours, more peaceful, tolerant, embracing and definitely, yes definitely less destructive.

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We have become a color/race obsessed society. Growing up in the 50's and 60's I was around many interracial families, and, my family had many white friends. There was never any talk about race, because the families, and friendship circles were so racially blended.

We need to concentrate our efforts on survival in this society rather than race.

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I met a woman who had a girl toddler with gorgeous green eyes. I commented on them, and she crisply retorted, "Her eyes are BLUE! Green eyes are of the Devil."

Oh, the fun you'll have, Little Green!

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I personally feel that it takes alot of courage to adopt a child in general, let alone a child from a different ethnic background. I believe that in etiher one of those cases you have to try just as hard to love your child because when that child grows up there is always the issue of whether they want to get in touch with their biological parents. If you love your child unconditionally and with out a question in your heart about whether you are the best suited to raise that child, it will make both of your lives so much easier. It is a fact of life that everyone will be teased at some point or another. There is nothing you can do, because I guarantee that if your child were with her real mother she could still get teased for being too smart or too fat or not wearing the right clothes. You should not have to live in fear of what other people think because if you are confident in your own beliefs that will rub off on your child and in turn help her be better at dealing with other people's opinions no matter what they may be. Live in love not in fear.

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I am in a way in agreement with a comment on a earlier post which stated that "you clearly aren't the least racist person in the world, but I can't bring myself to condemn you." The fact is that you are very aware of your thoughts and trying to justify them. The aspect of the situation in which you are lacking is the education of the many diverse cultures and "skin tones" that are in this world. The world is more than just fair toned beings. You are now faced with the responsibility to learn about other cultures so you can teach your daughter about who she is and where she came from. As time goes on the color you see will be irrelevent to the love you feel. Being a (bi-racial) daughter myself who grew up with a white mother, my best advice is to embrace her differences and allow her to know that she is different, but just as special to you.

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Ms. Lerners article developped also a side conversation on this site about racism and colourism. I´m not from this country, but this give me a sort of a bird perspective, so I would like to make a few comments to the black women and their white counterparts who contributed to this conversation.
First: Dear black women. (whom I feel I almost got to know under your different chat names) Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I can see all the efforts you used to bring over your message, your patience, your irony, your anger. You did´nt get the answers you deserved. Either there were no answers or some which were mostly about themselves or their intellectual attitudes about Asian eye surgery or African women bleaching their skin. (I never heard about that before.), but nobody really "met" you.
One person also left the debate literally smacking the door behind her. I feel the roaring silence and I don´t want to leave you there. I want you to know that I heard you and I can understand what you are up against. Your letters have not been a waste of time, believe me.
And: Dear white "progressive" liberal women (if you still are hanging on here). I know you mean well, I know your intentions are good, but in order to move on, you ´ll have to drop your defences and your guilt-feeling. Slavery was´nt your fault, racism is´nt your fault, but you contribute to it by running away every time you hear something unpleasant or painful.
Recognizing that every person is an expert on their own situation is showing respect. The worst thing to me is when I´m not being taken serious or "met", you certainly must have experinced that one time or other in your personal life. Try to read the letters again, push your ego aside, forget about yourself and open your mind and heart and learn. That´s all you have to do and it is all you are asked to do. You can´t solve all the colour and race problems in your county, but this you can do. It is a little step, but like the Chinese proverb goes: All travels start with the first step.

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I don't see this woman as racist -- just honest. There ARE some differences she's going to have to grapple with as the white mother of an Indian child and she's willing to do the grappling. She loves the child in question and is struggling with how to give her a good life, just like any other new mother, biological or adoptive. This child, for better or worse, is now an American of Hindu Indian ethnicity, a converted Jew and the beloved adopted daughter of a single white Jewish-American woman. She will NEVER be able to be just a Indian-American like other Hindu Indian Americans. That's the identity that her mom needs to teach her to rejoice in and she can best honor that by surrounding her with lots of different experiences, sending her to Hebrew school (hopefully with other Jews of color) and letting her make her bat mitzvah. This child's strength will be in her understanding of diversity and in the love her mother has for her. She doesn't need uncertainty and guilt from her mom, just lots of love and the determination to raise her the best way she knows how.

I find the idea that an adoptive mother shouldn't have the right to convert the child to Judaism ridiculous. She's the mother. She happens to be Jewish. Why on earth should she attempt to raise her as a Hindu when she doesn't believe in that religion and wouldn't be able to give her a truly authentic experience in that religion?

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In the US, kids have to be almost dead or very abused beofre they are removed from their homes for adoption. Adults are protected over children here in the US.
Then anyone from the family can show up for up to 6 months and take your child away based on blood ties.
It is no longer socially acceptable to put your baby up for adoption, regardless of your ability to care for your child.

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