News & Politics

Why Bush Won't Fix the Gas Price Problem

It's not complicated: Bush is an oilman, his father is an oilman, and all the people who gave him money that put him in the White House are oilmen.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy!

Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you. I'm just tired of talking to myself here. Worried about shredding my vocal cords shouting into a vacuum. Apparently some of you have been nodding off. And don't give me that "who, me?" crap. You know who you are. Yes you. The ones who are waiting for the President to do something about this gas price thing. The ones who mistook that lame BS oozing out of his "gosh, gas prices are getting high, aren't they?" press conference as sincere. When are you going to get it through your tiny little heads? He's not here to help.

Let me go through this one more time. Stay with me. It's not that complicated. The President is a Texas oilman. His father is a Texas oilman. His vice president is an oilman who shoots Texas lawyers. All the rich people he knows, his father knows and Dick Cheney knows have 30 weight running through their veins. All the people who gave him money that put him in the White House are oilmen.

Does this clear anything up? Maybe a little? His major priority is to pay them back in spades, then they tell him what a good job he's doing and give him more money.

So if you're waiting for him to grow a spine or learn to read or ever ever ever go so far as erecting a single solitary obstacle in the way of folks making obscene profits on fossil fuels… you'd best be advised not to hold your breath unless you enjoy that certain bluish look most often associated with people no longer eligible for social security benefits due to the fact that they've become altogether much too skinny and dead. Get it? Got it. Good.

The President says "there's no magic wands." No kidding. Neither are there talking fish or fairy wings or giant toadstools upon which Donald Rumsfeld can perch naked eating flies with his bifurcated tongue. What's your point?

Bush plans to investigate possible
collusion or price fixing and the good news is, the report is already finished and it turns out everything is okey dokey folks. Nope, everything's on the up and up and George knows because his buddies assured him it is.

He also plans to relax environmental rules which you could see coming like an 18 wheeler full of concrete blocks rolling off a 45 degree ramp straight up the driveway towards your front door. He wants to boost domestic supply, which is code for Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, baby and he's delaying deposits into our strategic petroleum reserve, which might save a thimble's worth. Measures destined to be about as effective as cleats on a duck.

I've come up a few other things the President could do that would be as effective to cut gas prices:
  • Run around in circles until he gets dizzy and falls down.

  • Bang a walking stick on the ground real hard like Nanny McPhee.

  • Get the entire House of Representatives to sing "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" in the key of off.
  • Lay a wreath of 80 dollar gas receipts at the tomb of the unknown SUV driver.

  • Shoot a 78 year old Texas lawyer in the face with a gun.

  • Propose a bill that gives more tax incentives to oil companies.

  • And the last thing the President can do that will be as effective as what he's doing now in cutting gas prices… mandate the oil companies change their accounting practices to base 12 so those profits don't sound so big.
Writer, comic, actor, radio talk show host, ne'er do well, Will Durst wants green stamps with his fillups.