Good Enough to Eat
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When a cannibal goes on the internet in search of a dinner date, it's all but required to make an "eat me" joke.
But Armin Meiwes is more than the cannibalistic butt of bad jokes. In fact, he got a little greedy at the adjective buffet, and is actually a convicted manslaughtering gay German internet sex cannibal. Oh, and I omitted "crazy," because according to an AP story, Germany found Armin "fit to stand trial and not mentally ill."
Unfortunately, though, the sole person who might know -- and be able to testify about -- Armin's sanity (or lack thereof) will never get to tell his story, because Armin ate him.
If you're unfamiliar with this whole thing, in 2001 Armin posted an internet ad seeking a young man for "slaughter and consumption." The ad was answered by more than 200 people. (You'd think that would be the kicker, but there are enough kickers for this case to hit the Crazy World Cup. )
Now Armin Meiwes is being tried for murder in a German court. He was previously convicted of manslaughter in the death of Bernd Juergen Brandes, but the conviction was overturned in hopes of getting him a meatier sentence than the original eight and a half years.
The details are enough to make Leatherface barf into his mask. Suffice it to say, Meiwes found his prey, Bernd Juergen Brandes, on the internet via his cannibal ad. The pair met at Meiwes' home in Rotenberg, had sex, then Brandes downed sleeping pills and whiskey, and Meiwes eventually stabbed him, butchered the body, and ate a good deal of it over the next few months. A story on News24.com also notes that "Meiwes sliced off the man's penis, which they fried and planned to eat together but found it was inedible."
So, when you find yourself mulling over the issues of consensual cannibalism, butchery, and fresh human penises prepared in a variety of ways, a la "Iron Chef," I can't help but wonder: What's holding up Armageddon? Can't some higher power just stick a fork in us and declare us "done?"
"A sex cannibal gets 200 responses to his internet ad, and I can't find a dinner date for Saturday night?" So said a guy I met recently, and he has a point.
Most single folks I know are attractive, bright people who have never fried a German weiner in any but the most innocent sense -- yet they have more trouble meeting people than Armin does. The injustice here is profound, so here are some suggestions for dealing with it.
The first step is to just stop trying to make sense of this world. You know it only leads to tears.
The second is recognizing that, as my single girlfriend said after learning about Armin: "It just goes to show that there's a lid for every pot, no matter how fucked-up your particular pot might be." She's right, of course. If a cannibal can find 200 people -- however freakish -- who want to get to, uh, know him, then you can too. I mean, probably (just don't talk about "Star Wars" too much on the first date).
I know it seems tempting to moan about the fact that everyone in the world is sleeping with someone except you (and me. And, well, lots of people). But, as Armin's case proves, there are certain instances when you should be happy that not everyone finds you attractive; maybe you're dodging romantic bullets every day without realizing it. According to the Daily Telegraph , Armin "still fantasizes about killing and eating people when he sees attractive bodies on television or in magazines."
But Armin was picky -- he actually turned down a few prospective meals because he didn't find them sexy enough. Think about how relieved those men must be now. Clearly, there are advantages to not looking like a model -- or at least not looking "good enough to eat."