News & Politics

Cheney Shooting FAQ

Really, who <i>hasn't</i> mistaken a six-foot lawyer wearing a blazing orange vest for a quail?
Frequently asked questions about Vice President Cheney shooting a guy in the face with a gun:

Q. Dick Whittingon, the man the Vice President accidentally shot, suffered a minor heart attack. What exactly is a minor heart attack?
A. Any one where the patient (who isn't you) doesn't die.
Q. Didn't the official statement explain that the 17-hour delay before anybody told anybody anything was because they wanted to make sure the statement released to the media was accurate?
A. He shot the guy. In the face. With a gun. How many more facts were needed? The barometric pressure at the time wasn't all that necessary.
Q. Isn't this event illustrative of why they invented the word "accident?"
A. This and the Bush presidency, yes. Besides, who hasn't mistaken a six-foot lawyer wearing a blazing orange vest for a quail?
Q. How many pellets of bird shot did Mr. Whittington get hit with?
A. Doctors estimated between 5 and 200. Nice margin of error there. That's 102 plus or minus 97.
Q. Didn't Cheney call the day of the shooting "one of the worst days of my life?"
A. Yes, he did, although we're pretty sure its not way up there on Whittington's list either.
Q. Let's straighten this out: did Cheney drink a beer at lunch or didn't he drink a beer?
A. According to different reports: yes. And no.
Q. Didn't he also say "you never go hunting with someone who drinks?"
A. Apparently he's never been deer hunting in Northern Wisconsin.
Q. Isn't it true he retired to the Armstrong lodge and ate a "somber roast beef dinner?"
A. Still probably tastier than the hospital food Whittington got during an equally solemn pellet face picking.
Q. Why did the Vice President pick Fox News to give his interview to?
A. A simple desire for the interview to be fair and balanced. And to pay off Britt Hume on a Super Bowl bet.
Q. Who was to blame for the accident?
A. According to Mr. Cheney's staff, Mr. Whittington foolishly planted his face between the gun and the bird.
Q. What are some of the more popular conspiracy theories attached to all this?
A. That Cheney was sending a message to the terrorists, and the message is: "look what we do to our friends."
Q. Anything else?
Q. That these guys are really really serious about tort reform.
Q. If the lawyer happens to die because of the wounds inflicted by the VP, he could be charged with involuntary manslaughter, right?
A. That's true, but because it is Texas, we're most likely looking at a $10 fine for shooting a lawyer out of season.
Q. What's the upside?
A. Our veterans win. The people who are most thankful that Cheney did receive five deferments to Vietnam are our troops, especially considering his penchant for shooting his own men.
Q. Any other ramifications?
A. Outside of George Bush noticeably wearing more Kevlar, no.
Q. Don't you think it's time for the liberals to lay off this and move on to more important affairs of state?
A. Point well taken. They should promise not to give Dick Cheney's lack of moral judgement a single second more attention than was given to Bill Clinton's.
The political comic Will Durst has turned into a cheerleader for the vice president. Go. Dick. Go.
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