The New Marriage Contract

It's the same old story: Husband tries to kidnap wife and gets caught. Ah, but here's the twist: wife provides police with a copy of a four-page marriage contract written up by husband.

Travis Frey of Iowa is the esteemed author of "Contract of Wifely Expectations" which, fortunately, was never signed by his wife.

Frey, it seems, was quite a demanding man, laying out specific expectations for pubic hair length ("You will shave every third day which includes underarms, chest, legs, and pubic area…and will maintain a hair length of less 1/3"), and underwear ("You will wear only thigh highs, and garters, and only thong panties.").

My favorite: "Half of your shoe purchases will be high heels, 2" or more. You will then wear these high heels more often."

It's worth reading in its entirety, if only because it's so incredibly absurd (and features an oddly orgiastic angel font). Sure, sure, he's a colossal sicko, but maybe he's just crying out to be loved: "When we are in bed together I can cuddle, spoon, hold, or touch you in any way, as long as it does not excessively disruptive your sleep."

Now that's consideration. Don't know about you, but I hate when people excessively disruptive my sleep.

(The Smoking Gun)