FAQ: A Plan for Victory in Iraq
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Q. President Bush recently announced his "Plan for Victory." What does this plan entail?
A. It's two pronged. There is a short-term plan and a long-term plan.
Q. And what are they?
A. The short-term plan is to keep the Democrats from regaining control of Congress in '06.
Q. And the long-term plan?
A. Keep the Democrats from regaining control of the White House in '08. Or acquire photographs of Hillary Clinton in bed with a goat and/or a woman.
Q. So nothing about Iraq then?
A. Well, now that you mention itâ€¦ there was something about the brave, freedom-loving Iraqis, and how together we are winning the tough struggle against violent extremism, but it was just more of the same in an attempt to rescue Bush's poll numbers from falling through the floor like an anvil made of dark matter.
Q. What is the "Plan for Victory" going to replace?
A. The "Plan for Quagmire" we've been following the last three years.
Q. Didn't he reveal a strategy for winning?
A. Yeah, but, you know what, so do the Chicago Cubs. Every spring. I don't imagine election-bound Republicans are looking forward to changing their slogan to: "We'll get 'em next year."
Q. What is their slogan now?
A. Lately, it seems to be "Incompetent Corrupt Cronies 'R Us."
Q. Didn't he also refuse to set a timetable for withdrawal, saying it would send a message to the world that America was weak?
A. Yes, he did. So apparently he's okay with continuing to send a message to the world that America is a big bad bully who will beat the crap out of you if we don't like the way you look at us.
Q. Don't we run the danger of alienating our allies if we just cut and run?
A. Cut and run? There's no running. This isn't running. This is walking. Backwards. Really fast backward walking. Who knows, we might even walk backwards really fast right into Iran or Syria.
Q. How does the President define victory?
A. According to a separate 35-page document accompanying the speech, titled "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq," victory means creating the conditions that allow us to leave.
Q. Is he saying that getting out of Iraq is our only path to victory?
A. No. No. No. A lot of victories await us. Tiny victories and little victories and medium-sized victories. Not to say we haven't experienced victories already. A couple of tiny victories, a moral victory and an election victory. And if we string a bunch of these little victories together, it could add up to a nice medium-sized victory. Or a gaggle of little victories and a medium victory or a series of medium victories coupled with one or two moral victories could add up to a big victory. And two or three big victories could result in a humongous victory.
Q. What is that?
A. A Republican victory. In November '06 and '08.
Q. What is the best case scenario?
A. We try to incubate democracy in the Mideast, and whenever the political costs at home get too high, we declare victory and leave -- leaving our secret prison camps intact.
Political comic Will Durst is declaring victory over his comedy club career.