DURST: The Year in Review, Part Two
Stay up to date with the latest headlines via email.
1998 was to years what Henry VIII was to marriage counseling. What Kate Moss is to $3.99 all-you-can-eat buffets. It was the year Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr treated the entire country as innocent victims in a vicious custody battle, and a lot of us felt like taking steel wool to our television screens. And now that we're in a new year, and people are going to act differently, right? Right, and you can teach a dog to type. Here are the resolutions people should but probably won't make for the new year. In 1999:* Boris Yeltsin makes an internal covenant to do everything in his power to get out of rehab in time to accept our bailouts.* California's Governor Grey Davis will not rest until he gets a colorful nickname like "Slappy."* Congress resolves to do absolutely nothing. A lot like last year. * Janet Reno takes an oath to open every Congressional hearing with "Who wants a piece of me?"* Phizer, the maker of Viagra, reluctantly swears it will not use the terms; "rising", "solid" or "rigid", in any more of its quarterly reports.* President Clinton pledges to outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all. Unfortunately, it involves raising the retirement age to 90.* Stung by the NBA strike, Nike vows never again to tie its star to overpaid athletes and starts featuring politicians in its ads. Its reasoning: nobody will ever get these guys to stop talking. Will Durst vows to turn up the heat to a toasty Mock II.