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DURST: The Year in Review, Part Two

 
 
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1998 was to years what Henry VIII was to marriage counseling. What Kate Moss is to $3.99 all-you-can-eat buffets. It was the year Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr treated the entire country as innocent victims in a vicious custody battle, and a lot of us felt like taking steel wool to our television screens. And now that we're in a new year, and people are going to act differently, right? Right, and you can teach a dog to type. Here are the resolutions people should but probably won't make for the new year. In 1999:* Boris Yeltsin makes an internal covenant to do everything in his power to get out of rehab in time to accept our bailouts.* California's Governor Grey Davis will not rest until he gets a colorful nickname like "Slappy."* Congress resolves to do absolutely nothing. A lot like last year. * Janet Reno takes an oath to open every Congressional hearing with "Who wants a piece of me?"* Phizer, the maker of Viagra, reluctantly swears it will not use the terms; "rising", "solid" or "rigid", in any more of its quarterly reports.* President Clinton pledges to outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all. Unfortunately, it involves raising the retirement age to 90.* Stung by the NBA strike, Nike vows never again to tie its star to overpaid athletes and starts featuring politicians in its ads. Its reasoning: nobody will ever get these guys to stop talking. Will Durst vows to turn up the heat to a toasty Mock II.