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News & Politics

DURST: The Year in Review, Part One

For a while there, it didn't seem like it was ever going to happen but 1998 has finally come to a merciful end. Yeeha! 1998 was to years what Alexander Haig is to panty hose. What Truman Capote was to mule skinning. But the American financial world didn't really care both Thomas Jefferson and Bill Clinton had DNA tests come back positive and stock markets recorded new highs. Imagine what could have happened if Washington had been calm. This started me thinking of the multitudes of people who hopefully have plans to change their nefarious ways in the coming annum. And in case they don't, here's a list of what Resolutions should be made for the 9th year of the last decade of the 20th century. In 1999:* Al "Chainsaw" Dunlap will attempt to rehabilitate his image by changing his nickname to Al "Cuddlelips" Dunlap.* Alan Greenspan assures Business Week the only time he will use the words "irrational exuberance" is when he's at a Metallica concert.* Mayor Jerry Brown promises to focus less on the vast spaceship that is Earth and more on the run down long term parking shuttle that is Oakland.* Amazon.com vows to get out of the book business altogether and concentrate on getting it's stock up to Berkshire Hathaway levels.* Bill Gates resolves to have an airtight alibi when Janet Reno's personal computer crashes.* The Asian Financial crisis promises to fade into the wings.* The South American Financial crisis promises to take center stage.* The Airline Industry will make every effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security element known to man: the second carry on bag.Will Durst's second bag is a coal burning laptop.
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