Keeping it Simple, Stupid

George W. Bush has turned America into the world's biggest scold. Ironic, isn't it? This was the guy who, during his first run for President, pontificated on how the US needed to become less arrogant and mind its own business -- we needed to stop telling the rest of the world how it should live, and let it govern itself.

There was never an ounce of truth in that, and we should have known it. Because there was a single defining fact we knew about George: he's an evangelical. That fact is, and remains, the only thing Americans need to know to understand George W., because it dictates all he is, all he thinks and all he does.

To be evangelical is to banish doubt from your life. The term is most commonly used to describe born-again, fundamentalist Christians who believe all truth resides exclusively in the Christian Bible and the teachings of Jesus Christ. To an evangelical Christian, all nuance is Satan's nose in the tent of blissful certainty. And, if nuance is the Devil's nose, any facts that might challenge their narrow views, such as evolution and the real geological age of the earth, are Satan personified.  

When facts become a problem for evangelicals, they simply dismiss them. If pushed, they attack the offending facts, no matter how nonsensical, absurd, untrue, juvenile or just plain silly their rebuttal has to be.   

For those of the evangelical bent, there is always only one true way. This is precisely the mindset we put in the White House when we elected George W. Bush. The press has misinterpreted it, calling Bush's behavior "stubborn." No -- that's not it. He's not "stubborn." Nelson Mandela was stubborn. Winston Churchill, Rev. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Gen. George Patton, Rosa Parks... they were stubborn.

George W. Bush is simply "right." And I mean "simply."  Maintaining simplicity has been George's salvation. After years of quiet desperation, a rich frat boy, a certifiable putz and a drunk Bush was "saved." Until that moment, life's plethora of choices, conflicting options, moral and personal issues overwhelmed poor young George. Then someone turned him on to Jesus... the one-stop, one-track, one-size-fits-all solution. For young George, the Bible became his life's owner's manual.

Suddenly life's complications, choices and confusions were culled down to a handful of easy-to-understand instructions. Life's once-intimidating blank canvas was transformed to a paint-by-numbers set. He now not only knew what the picture was, but all he had to do was not mix his colors to end up with a perfect painting every time.  

So here we are, five years after electing un-curious George to the highest office on earth. He has been true to his evangelical mindset, not just in his adherence to his Christian faith, but in his public policies as well. It is that behavior that has led the press to call him stubborn.

Global warming, stem cell research, war, Terry Schiavo, evolution -- each are issues about which volumes have, and will, be written. But George W. will not -- cannot -- be moved by a single word. Being saved taught Bush that the key to keeping his personal demons at bay is to narrow the flow of information to a trickle. Establish certainty -- the simpler the certainty, the better. Keep it simple, stupid. Then don't just stick to that certainty, but evangelize it. Others must be saved, too.  

We see George's evangelical proclivities most clearly in his proselytizing on the glories of democracy to what he views as "heathen regimes" around the world. Undemocratic governments are, to George, the equivalent of unrepentant sinners. They shall be saved. (Resistance is futile; they will be assimilated.)

Here we clearly see the "damn the facts" behavior of the evangelical mind. First, when George says another country should become "democratic," he means it the same way he does when he suggests non-believers should become Christians. He doesn't mean they should become Mormons, or that they should join the Greek Orthodox Church. He means they should become Bible thumping, Lord-praising, born-again, like him. Ditto with democracy. George is not interested in hearing about other forms of Christianity, or democracy. There is only one right form of both: his, and his.