Slogans: Good. Policy: Bad.

President Bush tapped Karen Hughes this week to be his extra special super secret advisor whose mission, should she choose to accept it, is to repair the image of the U.S. overseas, particularly in the Arab world. What are they code naming this mission, Sisyphus? Does the phrase “Band-Aid on a sucking chest wound” have any meaning here? Perhaps a raffle or a bake sale is also in the works. As my daddy always said, “No matter how many ducky feathers you glue to a tank, you’re still not going to get invited to swim in many inflated pools.”

It’ll be interesting to see what measures Ms. Hughes takes when she finds out the problem isn’t so much our lousy public relations but our lousy foreign policies. You want to improve America’s image, I’ll tell you how to improve America’s image. Put a leash on Rumsfeld and stop treating the rest of the world like it smells funny and made a doo doo on the shag rug in front of Mother Teresa’s holier sister on Easter.

I got to say, creating the position of Spinmeister General does makes sense; at least we’re playing to our strengths. As a country we have always excelled at selling the sizzle over the steak. Just last fall, this nation’s veterans chose a borderline deserter over a decorated war hero. And the responsibility for that feat can be laid directly at the altar of advertising. There you go: enlist the Swift Boat Veterans to launch an international campaign finally revealing the truth about Osama’s chronic bed wetting.

If Karen Hughes plans to craft a cuddlier image for us, she’s going to need a little help. OK, she’s going to need a lot of help. An aircraft carrier group of help. And I’m thinking some snappy slogans could come in handy. Quick. Simple. Buzz-worthy. So, in the interest of patriotism, I’m offering up a few. Gratis. Don’t thank me, I’m here to help.

30 U.S. FOREIGN POLICY EXTREME MAKEOVER SLOGANS. 30.
* When Democracy Reigns, It Pours.
* America: Just a Big Red White and Blue Teddy Bear With a Whole Lot of Guns.
* Snap. Crackle. Pow. Thud.
* Be All We Think You Should Be.
* Tastes Great. Less Torture.
* They Don’t Call Us The GREAT Satan For Nothing.
* America 2.0. Now With Improved Press Suppression.
* What’s So Bad About Bread And Circuses Anyway?
* John Wayne: Not Just an Actor. A Way Of Life.
* Don’t Like Us? Get in Line.
* I’d Walk A Mile For A Camel.
* The US: The Ultimate Lying Machine.
* Wouldn’t You Really Rather Have A Republic?
* Badges, We Don’t Need No Stinking Badges.
* Friendly Fire R Us.
* Democracy: Just Do It.
* You’re In Good Hands With Our State.
* You Keep the Sand, We’ll Take the Oil.
* Sometimes You Feel Like a Crazed Tyrannical Despot, Sometimes You Don’t.
* Freedom: Breakfast of Champions.
* We’re Everywhere You Want To Be. Deal With It.
* The New Improved Low-Carb, Atkins-Friendly America.
* Got Grenades?
* Don’t Leave Home Without It. No, Really. Stay in Your Homes.
* I Can’t Believe I Invaded The Whole Peninsula.
* Autonomy: Its the Real Thing.
* The Best Part Of Waking Up Is No Dead Bodies On Your Doorstep.
* Aren’t You Glad You Use a Free Market Economy? Don’t You Wish Everybody Did?
* Better Living Through Sovereignty.
* Nobody Doesn’t Like Britney Spears.