Giving The Gift Of War

It's that time of year again, folks. The moment to begin the mad scramble to fill those Xmas stockings and so time for the second annual TomDispatch list of gifts that will make this a jolly "military-corporate complex" Xmas for you and yours!

Yes, an entire year has passed since TomDispatch first brought you its list of "Hot as Depleted Uranium Toys for a New Imperial Age." This year we've got great new gift ideas from the Complex. So, if you didn't get that Abrams tank under the tree last year and the neighbors rubbed their new Hummer in your face (before using it to crush your puny "girlie-man" car), don't despair. This Xmas offers a wealth of possibilities, a shot at getting all the games, gadgets, gear, and guns the Complex has to offer.

Heroic Action Figures, Patriot Games, and Terror Toys

Last year, a mangled, bloodied son of Saddam, the Talking Uday doll, topped the list of most wanted evil-doer toys, while "mission-accomplished" Elite Force Aviator George W. Bush led the way for the US of A. This year, the Herobuilders "Hero Action Figures" line has out-Udayed itself, unveiling a plethora of new villains and American icons.

Why not buy that special little someone the weirdly muscled-up Rudy Giuliani ("America's Mayor") figure, the "Talking British Ally" Tony Blair doll, or that Green-Zone favorite, the "Talking Bush in Baghdad" whose startled expression perfectly matches his ill-fitting military garb. Any one of these dolls... er, action figures should be more than a match for the military-fatigues-wearing "Crack Head Saddam," the T-shirt clad "Captured Saddam," or the "Dick, the American Taliban" figurine, let alone those near-terrorists (already heading for the discard pile) like the Talking John Kerry whose shirt might as well say "flip-flopper," the "Michael 'No' Moore" figure which, according to the company, "makes a perfect voodoo doll or pin cushion," or, looking forward to a hateful 2008, the Hillary Clinton doll found lounging sybaritically (and a bit incomprehensibly) on a couch with a mint julep!

Okay dads, we hear you! Sure, you want to steep junior in the military experience, but skip the dolls, right? Then you'll definitely want to invest in the Military Role Play Set from "Manley" (I kid you not). With recent top-brass pronouncements that U.S. forces are likely to be in Iraq for at least the next 5-10 years, you can't start too early acclimating junior to the desert-camo-colored play set that includes a helmet, knife, gas mask, and a few grenades. You know he'll grin when he pulls the pin!

But how about Sally? Think she's got more in her future than mere grunthood in our imperial army? Not to worry, this Xmas she can begin training for a future Pentagon/corporate "revolving door" job with a game that combines all the fun of cutthroat capitalism and ruthless militarism – Army Monopoly. Gone are those timeless tokens, the little Scottie dog and the top hat. Instead, try the tank and the attack helicopter! And what good would a little green plastic house or red hotel be when that tank comes rumbling down St. James Place? Fortunately, they too have been replaced by "custom battalions and divisions." And while you might expect the board to be filled with Axis-of-Evil nations ripe for a U.S. invasion, you actually send your legions around the board capturing Army bases, the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, and even the Pentagon.

This year it's more important than ever to rally kids 'round the flag because it seems a bearded figure other than ol' St. Nick has been hard at work in his Tora Bora toy shop. You guessed it: Uncle Osama! First to appear was a toy which seemed to evoke the image of an airplane crashing into the Twin Towers. Then came the toy cell-phone sporting an image of Osama himself (with the word "king" above it). With direct-to-video star bin Laden competing for a share of the holiday toy market (and a half-brother of his hawking perfume to mom), what good parent wouldn't immediately begin muscling up his or her kid's toy arsenal?