Bedroom Politics

You don't have to be a pollster to know that 48 percent of the electorate got plastered last weekend. You do that a lot when you're in a bad relationship. And progressives were planning to break it off. We'd found someone better, smarter, saner, with waaaay cuter friends. But the other half of the country has that thing where you hang on to even the worst of guys, where you won't "change horses in midstream," even if your horse is mostly ass. I didn't want this guy but I'm stuck here wondering "What do they see in him?" and keeping the Pepto within reach.

Democrats got right on the case of "what we can do better in the future?" My strategic suggestion is the Lysistrata approach: the swearing-off of ever dating, or sleeping with, any Bush supporters.

Lysistrata was written in 411 B.C. by Aristophanes and is about a bunch of Athenian women who are so sick of this endless war that they go on a sex strike. The drive to destroy is not as strong as the drive to make your partner smile and walk funny the next day, so sex wins. I know you're as unlikely to fall for a Bush voter as you did for Bush, but chemistry and horniness can do psychotic things. You never know. If we could choose who we fall for there would be no one crying on Dr. Phil's shoulder. So in case you're tempted, remember: The political is personal. If a person identifies with Bush's political policies, that thinking might reflect in their dating policies. Here are a few reasons why you should run, and you should hide:

1. "Just a few more billion dollars ..." The dating translation is "Just another 20," "Just another 10," "Just another 50 to get me through the week," and if you say no somehow you end up being the bad guy. You'll end up at McDonald's for your birthday, hot tears of rage falling into your McFlurry.

2. So, you're dating someone who thinks abstinence-only sex education, a.k.a. sexual ignorance, is a great idea. Awesome! That itch you have is crabs.

3. Look at the War on Iraq. Following that logic, a Bush voter will potentially get you in bed a) without preparation, b) under false pretenses and c) you weren't really even the one he wanted, but he couldn't find her.

4. "I outsourced my orgasms to the personal trainer down the hall. He works faster and doesn't want as much in return as my boyfriend does. I think it's good for our relationship." Uh-huh.

5. You need someone who worries about YOUR second coming and no one else's.

6. He's into dress-up: On the aircraft carrier. As a cowboy. As a cheerleader. People who fall for this are into home-theater and role-playing. If you find yourself in a game of "Spaceman Wang Conquers Planet Naked," don't come crying to me.

7. The Bush voter's affair with ignorance extends from sex (see number two) to science, as their guy favors limiting stem cell research, thus limiting hope for so many cures to so many awful illnesses. Since they like to be in the dark, never enlighten them as to your phone number. In fact, do like California and give them the finger.

8. Your honey is in favor of curtailing people's rights because they're gay; for example, the right to marry. It won't help to point out that marriage is only made sacred by the couple themselves. Maybe your Bush-loving partner would prefer a mail-order bride.

9. So your sweetie is itching to reverse Roe v. Wade? A control freak in the courtroom is a control freak everywhere. Screw these people, but never, ever literally. What if the condom breaks?

10. If they admire the ability to turn a surplus into a deficit, don't give them your PIN code, dont listen when they say "Oh, I won't order one, I'll just have some of yours," and if, despite all I've told you, you insist on having sex, don't ever let them finish first. You'll never get yours back.