Darth Vader and Mr. J Crew: One is Rubber, One is Glue

By Adrienne Maree Brown, WireTap. Posted October 6, 2004.

First, I would like to thank the commission for the black woman moderator regardless of the CPT ending.

Thumbs up to Dick Cheney:

* I like a man who isn't scared to burp on national television.

* When you opened with the connection between Iraq and al Qaeda and then, roughly two minutes later, denied making that connection, I was really impressed with the shamelessness of your Dark Empire ways.

* I hear your wife wrote an erotica novel, so, that's kinda hot. Repressed! But hot.

Areas where Dick needs to get it up:

* During one of your mysterious MIA periods, may I suggest a brief visit to the South Pacific, Jamaica, Haiti, dare I say Cuba? You need a little color, son. You look too pale in that unmasked-Darth Vader way.

* El Salvador?

* Your daughter was sitting right there, man. How could you say you believe in her freedom to her own private life choices but would vote to support a purposeless national policy developed in exact opposition to her freedom to choose her own partner? And then make her come on stage and stand near you? Her therapy sessions must be ILL!

* When you spoke about the last four years, what I heard was: "Here is the Jedi Mind Trick to convince folks to do what we want regardless of the lack of logic or the fact that the apparent humanity tends to wear off after roughly two years. We're working on that."

* After all this time, the closing "Fear, Fear, Fear" chant rings transparent.

Thumbs up to John Edwards:

* You never look down at notes, which I love, and which gave me time to wonder – exactly what brand of pomade do you use? Does J. Crew sell pomade?

* Does one wear Depends while looking Cheney in the eye and talking about Halliburton? That was fierce! Three snaps!

* Thank you for talking about the failing education system, for linking AIDS rates to the wack lack of healthcare and for talking about the next generation inheriting the deficit and debt and thanks for acknowledging that there is a generation after y'all, period – it might just be a campaign first! You better not be frontin'!

* Y'all Democrats like thick women! Holla!

But in the future, Johnny:

* Don't lean too heavily on the Osama thing. They haven't shown him yet, but I'm sure his face is gonna pop up before the election.

* Sanctions suck – the wrong people are always on the losing end of that global power whip.

* Y'all are just wrong on Israel-Palestine and the longer you keep presenting only one side of this issue the worse it's going to get over there.

Overall:

* This debate stuff would be so awesome with pop-up facts.

* Both candidates seem to have wack records and a propensity to exaggerate – it was fascinating to watch the first part of the debate devolve into what amounted to "I am rubber you are glue – No, you are! No, you are!

* Everyone is struggling with the Saddam-Osama thing. Try blaming both three times fast! That tricky "SA" syllable is just so damn confusing! Not to mention Iraq and Iran. Must be hard to keep it all straight when wielding global dominance.

The checkmate bitchslap of the debate:

When Cheney tried to step to Edwards like a bratty nerd in school on some attendance beef (I'm not pointing any fingers but I haven't been playing "Where's Edwards?" for the past four years, I've been playing "Where in the World is Crawford, Texas?"), Edwards delivered a Colt-45-type right hook by sharing Cheney's record of voting against revered black heroes: against a day commemorating Martin Luther King, Jr. and against working to free Nelson Mandela! And the whipped cream? You voted against Head Start! You voted against Meals on Wheels for seniors! SHAME!

Adrienne Marie Brown is the co-author of "How to Get Stupid White Men Out of Office" and an organizer for the League of Pissed Off Voters.

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