News & Politics

Real Men Choose Choice

A woman's right to choose has been nibbled at to where the danger exists that before long, there will be no right left at all.
There's a huge pro-choice march in Washington next weekend, and thousands of women from all over the country are expected to swarm the Capitol to demonstrate, en masse, how they're as distressed as a wedding party in the gondola of a hot air balloon approaching electrical wires. Distressed over the future of Roe v Wade, due to a couple of cranky compassionate conservative members of Congress -- probably equipped with appropriately minuscule members themselves.

These, my friends, are women determined they will not be trifled with, especially for the sake of energizing some phantom political base. They are concerned women. Alarmed women. Women anxious over Bush Administration plans to continue the slow dissolution of their right to control their own bodies. The edges of a woman's right to choose have been nibbled away to where the danger exists that before long, no right will be left at all. Think of a cheeseburger without the burger, cheese or bun.

I would rather dance naked in the aisles between fry bins during rush hour at Popeye's Chicken than mess with these women.

What's missing from all this righteous indignation is one important segment in the bridge to real choice. And that chunky piece of asphalt is: us Y-chromosomes. Listen, guys -- this isn't just a women's march, this is a rights march. And we, too, have a lot riding on this future train wreck of a Bush policy. Unless something as drastic as a 180-degree turnaround in the executive, legislative and judicial branches is imminent, unhappy women will be roaming this land of ours. And just as unhappy men make for unhappy women, unhappy women make for unhappy men. It's a yin-yang kind of a thang. So I'm here to convince dudes all over this great country how are best interests are at stake as well.

  • It's only a matter of time before some smart-ass scientist figures out how to get men pregnant.


  • If the administration gets away with this, what keeps them from outlawing the use of maple syrup in the bedroom?


  • An empowered woman is a limber woman.


  • Fewer unwanted children means less congestion at sports bars.


  • If we aren't successful, abortions will only be available after ten-month waiting periods.


  • More romantic candlelit dinners, fewer Huggie runs.


  • Pro-choice rallies much more fun than anti-choice rallies, especially for those with hairspray allergies.


  • Child support is not tax deductible.


  • John Ashcroft wants the women as a stepping-stone to the men.


Political comic Will Durst figures whoever first came up with that old adage, "If men got pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament" was obviously not a guy.