The Grannie Awards
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The Academy Award nominations for Motion Picture Excellence were announced on the same day as the New Hampshire Primary. For those of you confused by this bizarre confluence, I have grafted the realms together to hand out a series of awards named after the performances recently seen here in the Granite State. So, grab your socks and drop your cocktails, here they come, this year's Grannies.
- The I Can Spin the World Award: Joe Lieberman. Called his fifth place single digit New Hampshire finish a victory. Referred to it as a "split decision for third place." This guy is good. Or spooky.
- The Pained Grimace Award: The poor folks standing on the podium behind Senator Lieberman. Forced to smile interminably while he mouthed this incredible drivel.
- Most Creative Nickname Award: a tie. John Edwards- Kentucky Fried Kennedy. And for the real JFK, John Forbes Kerry -- Kaptain Ketchup.
- The Shoot Yourself in the Foot Award: General Wesley Clark. Speaking of John Kerry, "He was only a Captain, I was a General." Fine win in a very competitive category.
- The Your Sense of Humor is All You Got When You Look at Yourself in the Mirror in the Dark Award: Dennis Kucinich. Speaking of his 1 percent vote in the Granite State on Fox News -- "the battle for sixth place continues." 1 percent. That's only 1 percent more than you and I got in New Hampshire and you weren't even there.
- The In Your Face, You Liberal Weenies Award: Former Treasury Secretary and confessed gambling addict William Bennett. Disparaged Kucinich's optimism with an obscure reference to Poker Tournament odds.
- The Unclear on the Meaning of the Word "Irony" Award: Chris Mathews. Spent entire week mocking Howard Dean's red-faced Iowa rant.
- The Awww Award: John Edwards. Called his run for the Presidency, "the little campaign that could." Kentucky Fried Smurf is more like it.
- Tortured Campaign Speak Award: Joe Lieberman. Talked up his Joementum. Supposedly a clever twist on momentum. As graceful an idiom as tumbling backhoes.
- The Emperor's Clothes Award: John Kerry. For label of most electable Democrat. Like calling Posh, the smart Spice Girl.
- Best Chill Pill Award: Howard Dean. After channeling Joe Cocker in speech following third place Iowa finish, managed to dial it down. I for one was afraid if he won this one, there would be nothing left on stage but bits of chum.
- The Loosey Goosey Award: John Kerry. Temporarily ditched suspicions he was Lincoln animatron escaped from Disneyland's Hall of Presidents.
- The Pull Out All the Stops Award: Joe Lieberman. Trotted out his 89-year-old mother to campaign for him in sub zero weather. Back where I come from, that's called elder abuse.
- The Mashed Potatoes on Paper Plate Award: New Hampshire. Whiter than the Osmond Family Christmas in Norway Special. If this state were any more Caucasian it would be translucent.
- Best Achievement in Special Effects: John Kerry's hair. Unanimous decision.
Will Durst is winging his way west, home to warmth and none too soon.