The State of the Union Address Drinking Game
January 19, 2004 |
Like this article?
Join our email list:
Stay up to date with the latest headlines via email.
What you need:
- A group of four taxpayers: including one white guy wearing a suit, two wearing normal clothes and one in semi-shabby clothes.
- A shotglass per person (all bought in a second-hand store)
- 100 tiny toothpicks with American flags wrapped around them.
- A slab of soft French cheese, i.e. brie.
- A large stash of beer. The one in the ragged clothing gets the cheapest crap you can find, like Milwaukee's Best; the white guy in the suit gets to drink whatever import he wants; and the other two pick between Bud and Miller Lite.
Rules of the Game:
- Whenever George W. mentions the liberation of the freedom-loving Iraqi people, the last person to grab his throat in a choking motion has to drink four shots of beer.
- Whenever George W. uses the words: "God," "America" or "jobs," drink a shot of beer.
- Whenever George W. mispronounces the word "terrorism" the last person to knock on wood drinks two shots of beer.
- Whenever George W. mentions the phrase "sanctity of marriage," take a shot of beer. The first time this happens, the last person to finish has to drink two more shots of beer and do the dishes during the Democratic Response.
- Whenever the speech is interrupted by applause, the last person to stick one of the American flag toothpicks into the soft French cheese from a distance of two feet drinks two shots of beer. The white guy in the suit gets an extra chance each round.
- Whenever George W. smirks during a standing ovation, take turns drinking shots of beer until the audience sits down. Do it double-time if his shoulders shake with silent laughter.
- If Vice President Dick Cheney or First Lady Laura Bush are caught on camera not paying attention and talking to somebody else while Puppet-Boy is still speaking, drink a whole beer.
- If George W. Bush mentions Halliburton, his inability to find the weapons of mass destruction or Osama bin Laden, the white guy in the suit has to drink a shot of everybody else's beer out of their shotglass, and they get to wipe their glass clean on his jacket.
- If George W. Bush attempts to make a joke, anybody who laughs drinks three shots of beer.
- Whenever George W. Bush quotes the Bible or uses the word "evildoers" in a sentence, the last person to fall to their knees drinks two shots of beer. If he pulls a quote from the Bible about "evildoers," the last person to get prostrate drinks an entire beer.
- The white guy in the suit gets to kick the person wearing the shabby clothes if George W. uses a heartfelt story of an individual's grace and/or courage under pressure to illustrate a point. He gets 15 seconds to kick everybody if that person is in the audience sitting next to an astronaut.
- Everybody gets to kick the crap out of the guy in the suit for 15 seconds, only if Bush's teleprompter goes out and he begins to flail about mumbling nonsense about his days with the Texas Rangers.
Will Durst will be playing this game with his friends, although he is still looking for a volunteer to wear the suit.