Have Yourself a Pentagon Christmas

'Tis the season for putting wish lists together! It's the least the toy industry expects of you. After all, according to the National Retail Federation, $217 billion in holiday sales are up for grabs and an anxious toy industry is hoping to take home a sizeable chunk of that (especially given last year's weak $20.3 billion toy market).

As for you, it's never too early to head into the mall maelstrom in search of the hottest toy in shortest supply for your child. Toy industry pundits and child experts are rushing out their lists of recommendations. If you want to catch that blank look of disappointment on your child's face this Christmas morning, by all means follow their advice. Go buy Hasbro's BTR Transformer off the Toy Wishes "Hot Dozen" list; K'nex's Rippin' Rocket Roller Coaster, one of FamilyFun magazine's "Toys of the Year" or strip those shelves of Mattel's Hokey Pokey Elmo from KB Toys annual "Holiday Hot Toy List."

But if you'd really like to "wow" the kids, stick to this list of "Hot as Depleted Uranium Toys for a New Imperial Age."

You surely don't want to deny your child the right to strut an aircraft-carrier flight deck or duke it out in person with Osama bin Laden. So from the Pentagon to you, via us, comes the A (for "Armed to the Teeth") list of presents sure to make this a true military-industrial Christmas!

America's Last Action Heroes

What would the holidays be without little muscularized, molded plastic dolls holding big guns in a kung-fu battle grip?

Now, thanks to Blue Box International your child can pilot Air Force One into Baghdad with Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush, the greatest American hero, dolled-up in Naval Aviator regalia -- a fully posable 12" action figure in "g-pants." "Actual figure," warns the maker, "may vary slightly from item shown" (which is so totally Mission Accomplished!) Then, for only an extra $29.95 (plus shipping and handling) your child can feed the troops a turkey dinner using the George W. Bush Talking Action Figure, the aviator's civilian counterpart, clad in the more traditional Republican dark suit and red power tie. He spouts 17 phrases including the apropos Bush-ism "...working hard to put food on your family..."

And that's only the beginning! Just imagine your son holding his own news conference with the Talking Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld Action Figure ($29.99 plus shipping and handling) to announce that weapons of mass destruction have just been discovered in Bethesda, Maryland. Press his button and catch 28 different phrases from "Rumstud" (as the Elite Aviator likes to call him) including the classic: "I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said. But I know what I think. I assume that's what I said."

And you California parents, don't miss the Talking Governator, hero of Total Recall, the movie and the election, in plastic form... or call him Robot Arnie and fight the world with the T-850 Terminator in his black-leather get-up.

But don't stop here... oh no, you mustn't stop here. What fun's the Elite Aviator if there's no villain to attack him?

Evil-Doer Action Figures

Start with a two-for-the-price-of-one bargain from Hero Builders at a modest $39.95 -- the Talking DOA Uday, a dual headed action figure of Saddam Hussein's son capable of uttering phrases, in a genuine faux-Middle Eastern accent, that go so well with the Yule log and a good stiff eggnog: "Someone must help me . . . I am still alive only I am very badly burned..."

Or how about that perfect stocking stuffer -- Babbling Osama the Dirty Terrorist? "Get your very own talking terrorist... Listen to him babble his terrorist nonsense" says manufacturer Hero Builders, which also cautions, "Don't be fooled by other cheap imitations not made by Americans." We're not babbling nonsense when we grunt our "Hoo-ah!" of approval.