News & Politics

No Mission -- Not Accomplished

When we said, "Mission Accomplished," we didn't actually mean "mission accomplished," if, in "mission," you assume we meant the act of subduing Iraq, and "accomplished" would refer to the event being over.
Good day everyone. I'm here against my better interests primarily to address this minor misunderstanding that apparently has you all a-twitter. Now I know you people make your living by twisting facts and complicating everything, but the deal is, its very simple really. Any fourth grader could understand. Let me explain it again. Please try and listen closely this time.

When we said, "Mission Accomplished," we didn't actually mean "mission accomplished," if, in "mission," you assume we meant the act of subduing Iraq, and "accomplished" would refer to the event being over. If that's what you thought and that's what you wrote, then you were mistaken. Misled. Not by us. We would never do that. By the Navy perhaps. Or your expectations. Don't beat yourself up. There's nothing wrong with hope. No real crime there. Everyone is entitled to get excited once in a while. Jumped the gun is what you did. All we did was imply A mission was over. Some mission. Any old mission will do. At this point, no one knows whose mission is no longer residing in the present tense.

This unnamed mission may have had a definite laying off of activity or it may not have. Some things just aren't knowable. And who of us needs to know every little thing? You? Don't make me laugh. Certainly not us. The business we are in does not allow room for us to declare someone else's mission either accomplished or unaccomplished. You certainly wouldn't want that kind of presumption thrust on your mission were it yours and be honest, do you really want us to take on that kind of added responsibility right now? Haven't we enough on our plate? And besides, what is "accomplished" anyhow? Who of you is qualified to determine at what level an event can be stamped concluded, done, complete? You're dismissing the fact that yesterday's tomorrow is actually today. And tomorrow's yesterday? Once again, today. Surely you see what I'm getting at.

"Accomplished" is such a messy word seeming to indicate a predetermined result, and we have repeatedly warned you people, you musn't anticipate an outcome. Just a lengthy ongoing. Folks, either you're helping or you're hindering here and what I'm sensing is a whole lot of the latter. Admittedly, instead of the "Mission Accomplished" banner flying from the bridge of the USS Abraham Lincoln on May 1st, it might have been more precise to hang a "Much Hard Work Yet to be Done" placard, or maybe a small poster that spoke of the Naval Academy's advancing leadership in the field of mobile orthodontics maintenance. So there you go.

Oh yes, one more thing. When we said "the stepped up guerilla attacks prove we are making progress," we didn't mean to say "the stepped up guerilla attacks prove we are making progress," we meant to say "my hair has so much more bounce and body since I switched to Suave." And no, I don't think I will take any follow up questions thank you very much. We're busy people here, folks, we got an election to win here, I mean a war to win, that is, a peace to enforce. I said good day.

Will Durst says good morning.
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